AIBU - Happy Rarely Seeing Friends

[WarmSpring]

Recently I concluded that I'm happier rarely seeing friends. I work remotely and I've deliberately reduced most of my social contact outside that.

I'll meet a friend for a drink, food or a walk every few weeks. I keep in touch with a few people by message daily.

A few months ago I NEEDED to be around people and hated spending time alone.

Things that changed:

• I deal with a lot of very vulnerable, angry people at work. I don't have the emotional bandwith to deal with other people's problems outside of this.
• I've adjusted to a break up. We still speak, but I'm no longer upset really.
• I went to therapy for a year. Discovered that I was codependent and a magnet to people with problems.
• I gave myself permission to just fade out people I wasn't interested in, rather than feeling obligated to be nice to them.

It's funny since becoming socially withdrawn is normally viewed as a bad thing and a symptom of depression. I've felt genuinely really good. Much happier than when I was socialising a few times a week in big groups.

Anyone else?

Also, tell me your experiences of giving up being a people pleaser. I've cut a few people off and it feels good. No regrets.

I certainly don’t think stopping being a people pleaser is a bad thing and I don’t think anyone should feel obliged to go out if they don’t feel like it.

But I find it slightly odd that you equate this with “having friends”. To me having friends is the absolute opposite of being a people pleaser and a good friend is someone you can be yourself with. And not having friends because you don’t want to be a people pleaser sounds like you just had the wrong friends. Not that having friends in itself is a bad thing.

I think your idea of friendship is a bit warped tbh.

One thing I have noticed is that a few male acquaintances are hard to ghost and will not take a hint.

Person 1:
For at least 7 months, messaged and called several times a week, despite the fact I never contacted him first or answered his calls. Every time he'd ask to meet I'd say no. Still kept asking. Last time we spoke he suggested I have casual sex (hint, hint - with him) - said I wasn't interested in that and haven't heard from him since. Success!

Person 2:
Met at group social events maybe 4 times last August / September. I showed no romantic or sexual interest. Messaged me non-stop for months, including dramatic messages about his mental health if he felt I was ignoring him. Declined all requests to meet, never contacted him first or asked him questions. Gave brief answers then eventually started deleting messages without even responding. STILL get messages from him. I'd block but he seems too depressed. I'm hoping he eventually takes the hint.

Other than the last one, I've culled all the people I can't be bothered with.

"And not having friends because you don’t want to be a people pleaser sounds like you just had the wrong friends."

Probably that.

I do have a few people I'm happy to see, though they either live far away or are busy with work, so we meet rarely. I'm happy with that level of contact.

I cut off all the people who were either looking for a free therapist or had an agenda. I was too tolerant before and I've become a lot pickier.

Oh, well those people sound like creepy chancers who just want to have sex with you rather than friends? Or am I misreading?

I also see friends rarely. One group I make no effort to see any more as I realised I had been the one always doing the running and I was not enjoying it or seeing them. One of them has said she will come and see me but that was months ago and she still hasn't appeared. I'm just doing idle chit chat, with less sugar coating (nothing above normal, polite chat when previously I'd have bent myself in two trying to make sure they were all cared for emotionally 🙄) and no people pleasing. It is very freeing.

None of my friends tried to have sex with me though. That would have been an instant friendship ended if they didn't take no for an answer immediately

Yeah, those two were. That was another realisation - that 95% of my 'platonic male friends' were clearly not. I realised that after the break up when the opportunists made themselves clear. I only really have one or two platonic male friends in reality.

"One group I make no effort to see any more as I realised I had been the one always doing the running"

One thing I did was delete all my phone contacts and only re-add people who consistently made an effort to contact me first, once I stopped being the organiser. Now it's back to being 50 / 50 because I know they would.

Some people I just never re-added.

Sorry to hear that op. I have to say that my only very close male friend other than my brother is gay. The others did turn out to be less platonic than I'd thought, so I do know how that feels. Just awkward for me and if they don't accept no the first time it obviously ruins the friendship completely for me.