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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I just exhausted?

20 replies

Twitatwoo · 08/04/2023 19:26

I’ve just sat down for the first time since 5.50 this morning with some peace. Baby went to bed early tonight (18.45ish) thank god, I really needed it haha. I know I’m the mother so thanks to centuries of unequal gender roles within the house, society has embedded that mothers do not have peace however, I am the breadwinner, I work full time and off on the weekend, DH is the SAHP.
When I’m working I am up at 5.30-6ish whatever time baby gets up, I do everything he needs until 8am which most days is milk, nappies, play, breakfast, play etc (usual baby routine) and sometimes if I’m lucky he’ll allow me a shower with him in his jumperoo in the same room (he’s the busiest baby I’ve ever met, he’s the third child and I used to work in a nursery a few years back). DH normally wakes about 7.30 then come 8am DH takes over. I then get ready for work, go to work etc until home time, then I take over and have baby from 5.15ish until bedtime, I do bedtime most night.

On weekends I feel like a lone parent, I feel as if everything is on me, if DH has him for me to pee or put washing on line if too early and cold to put him in his pushchair to come with me, he kind of hovers waiting for me to come back and it feels as if he is literally doing me a favour by having him. Today I’ve done getting up, every meal time, every nap, bath and bed, not counting housework and looking after other children (other two in secondary school so not much caring required anymore, pretty independent). DH doesn’t do bathtime, he’s prob done it on his own 3 times since he was born, since he was 6 weeks ish I’ve done every other night(now 11 months). I’ve noticed the last few days if he’s in the kitchen, he doesn’t even think to clean the high chair down in preparation for the next meal to save messing about before the next meal when baby is actively hangry, this has really wound me up when I do it as soon as I get him out of it to make sure it’s ready for him or me.

I know I’m probably having a moan over nothing as it is a mothers job as the children generally want her over the father etc but I’m just wanting a rant I think. I made a comment earlier to DH as he said how tired he is and offered me a lie in Monday, ‘so 3/4 days of lie ins aren’t enough or what?’ Am I just exhausted from everything and just cranky? I’m not normally this annoyed at my life, usually love it but we have been through some other testing stuff with eldest the last few weeks so it may have just gotten on top of me.

So
AIBU to feel this fed up, it’s just a phase and I’ll be fine after a good nights sleep (I’ve been having the most dreadful nightmares last few nights, probably due to anxiety over eldest)
or
AINBU as the dynamic needs to balance out before I do actually lose my head?

Would like to add DH is an amazing father and hubby, he lost his job in covid then went back to uni from home as we can afford to live off my wage alone, it made sense to better his education for better future prospects so he is now a SAHP and student.

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 08/04/2023 19:33

I don't understand why your DH doesn't do anything at the weekend with your child?

Original poster

Twitatwoo · 08/04/2023 19:36

@strawberry2017 I don’t understand it either to be honest. He’ll obviously talks and acknowledges him, if he needed a nappy change while I was doing the washing or whatever he’d do it but I feel as if he’s doing me a favour.

OP posts:

bumpytrumpy · 08/04/2023 19:43

So he looks after baby from 8am to 5:15 (8.25 hours/ day) and then does his own thing the rest of the time?

And you WORK those 43 hours and look after baby for the other 125 hours/week?

Yeah that's why you're tired. He's not a great husband or father at all.

Kitcaterpillar · 08/04/2023 19:45

Would like to add DH is an amazing father and hubby

Is he though?

I'm not saying LTB but you know... have a stern chat with the bastard?

EezyOozy · 08/04/2023 19:46

In our house , the stay at home parent still did 50% of the parenting / household stuff when the working parent wasn’t working. So basically both get equal amounts of downtime. We’d split early starts and broken nights too.

NoSquirrels · 08/04/2023 19:47

It sounds majorly imbalanced.

Do you feel guilty that you should be doing more, or something? Otherwise I don’t understand why you’re doing laundry at weekends when your DH could do it in the week, and so on.

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2023 19:54

Would like to add DH is an amazing father and hubby,

Why do people always say this? Is he really a good husband if he leaves you to do absolutely everything outside your working hours?

Xarrie · 08/04/2023 20:00

He sounds like a shit dad

ALLIS0N · 08/04/2023 20:05

bumpytrumpy · 08/04/2023 19:43

So he looks after baby from 8am to 5:15 (8.25 hours/ day) and then does his own thing the rest of the time?

And you WORK those 43 hours and look after baby for the other 125 hours/week?

Yeah that's why you're tired. He's not a great husband or father at all.

This.

kweeble · 08/04/2023 20:10

You need to split care 50:50 when you’re not working and have some time to yourself. Is he studying some of the time outside of your working hours? I’d want to share lie ins too and get up later a couple of days in the week.

SeeYouNextTLol · 08/04/2023 20:13

This is horrendous. You literally do it all. He does hardly anything.

babynoname22 · 08/04/2023 20:13

@bumpytrumpy has nailed it.

He's not being very fair is he. If this were the other way round everyone would think it was off

Whitewolf2 · 08/04/2023 20:19

Well yes you’re exhausted, you never stop or get a rest! The set up is massively unfair on you. You need to start carving out time for yourself, maybe say you’re off to meet someone at the weekend, leave your husband to it for a couple few hours. Otherwise you’ll burn out and massively resent him.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/04/2023 20:22

How is he an amazing father and hubby? Just how?!

He leaves everything to you all the time you are not working. Everything.

An amazing father makes sure the mother of his child is loved and cared for and an amazing hubby loves and cares for his wife. He doesn't give a shit that you are busy doing all the things all the time.
He doesn't even allow you to have a shower in peace?!

vintagechick43 · 08/04/2023 20:28

So if your husband went to work and you stayed at home would he get up with the baby at 5.30 every morning before going to work while you slept? Then took over when he got home and at weekends while you did what you want? .. No I thought not , he is definitely out of order !!

SkyeBlue28 · 08/04/2023 21:23

I think your husband should be doing more in the mornings before work, evenings and weekends. I suggest a chat where you agree on a fair way to share that work

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/04/2023 21:30

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2023 19:54

Would like to add DH is an amazing father and hubby,

Why do people always say this? Is he really a good husband if he leaves you to do absolutely everything outside your working hours?

Every post where someone says their OH is “an amazing husband and father” I immediately know he’s a bone idle, abusive cocklodger. It’s as predictable as clockwork.

Original poster

Twitatwoo · 08/04/2023 22:48

I was previously in an abusive marriage prior to him so I feel that me feeling as if he’s doing me a favour is more from the trauma I experienced back then, he doesn’t do anything to make me feel that way, I think it’s in my head but I do feel hovered around if he has him while I’m doing something. I was so used to doing everything as he was never around but when he was around it was egg shells and I did absolutely everything so I am just used to doing everything. You’d think 10 years later my mentality would have changed but unfortunately it hasn’t.

In the week he does housework and cooks tea ready for when I get home, I feel he is struggling having an 11mo to juggle at the same time as trying to get everything done as he is a particular busy baby, maybe more overwhelmed than struggling. He gets what he can done while I’m in work, tbh I struggle doing housework on weekends while with baby as he is so busy, not an overreaction. He is exhausting, I don’t remember the other two being this exhausting. I do washing on weekends too as secondary school aged children tend to need PE kits, favourite school trousers etc washed for the Monday along with my own work clothes and baby clothes which as I’m sure most of you know is never ending. He makes me feel loved, cared for and I would trust him with any of our lives, I know we are his world but he does become overwhelmed easily.

On weekends I can have a relaxing bath or nap or go out with friends but I guess I don’t really want to as I feel I’m burdening and I feel guilty for leaving baby. I am also a busy person, I really struggle chilling out if I know this or that needs to be done. I am more at peace when I am busy.

He probably is bone idle however, @Thepeopleversuswork he's not abusive. Thanks though.

The me doing mornings works for us as I am more of a morning person, granted the one day on weekends is nice when it happens just to have a few extra hours in bed even if I’m just chilling in bed instead of go go go the second I get up. It’s not the mornings I’m that bothered about it’s more the bed/bath routine, in the evenings I plan to do x, y or z but by the time I’ve put him down I am too exhausted to do anything, it wasn’t too bad before the clocks change as he was a 6pm bedtime but now he’s 7pm. I love every minute I spend with him as I don’t really see him much in the week but let’s be honest, even Mary Poppins needs a break?

I think based on the replies I need to have a chat about how I’m slowly loosing the plot and I’m not being unreasonable and I need to make everything a bit more equal, maybe even just one Friday a month going out with work folk for a drink and making him deal with bedtime. I’m gonna get the Easter holidays out the way and then talk to him, don’t know how as I do struggle with confrontation with my personal relationships, within work or outside of work I’m confident but I’m always worried of what might happen even though DH would never be horrible in anyway.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2023 00:36

Honestly, reading your last post it’s really contradictory- you’re a morning person so you don’t want help then, but a lie in is also appreciated but you would definitely like help in the evenings but maybe only one Friday a month, and he does loads and struggles because the baby is really busy and you find him exhausting yourself but you love every second you spend with him but you also need a break but you prefer to be busy so…

I think you’re giving mixed messages so no wonder you’re not getting what you need.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 09/04/2023 00:50

The reality is that you're doing far too much whilst also funding his chilled out student days. What exactly is he studying for? If he were single, he would have to hold down a job, do all the life stuff that you do for him and find a way to fit the studying in.
Offer to be the SAHM and tell him he will have to work full time, do everything else besides in addition to getting up at 5.30am to look after baby for 3 hours before toddling off to work. Sympathies, OP. It would be hard enough doing what you do as a SAHM, but to work full time on top is something I couldn't have managed, and I'm pretty tough. 😶

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