DH getting angry at being asked to do something

[Hey12345]

DH just shouted and swore in front of our children because I asked him to help me. I had our newborn in my arms, DD (who is 5) next to me wanting me to type something into the tv and it wasn’t working because there was something in front of the Sky box. I asked him for help, he wasn’t listening because he was on his phone, a minute later he asks if I want help and I answered back that I already asked for help but he was on his phone as usual and not listening, I think DD went to ask something and then he snaps “FFS can both of you stop moaning”. Now, we don’t moan, if anything he is always asking me where this and that is, even things he was the last to use and kept away, or things that are kept in a certain cupboard that he’s only just sorted and arranged things. However, on this occasion I had asked him a couple of things like 30 minutes ago, asked him to tidy away DD newborn’s dirty nappy, changing mat, wipes, changing bag from the middle of the lounge floor as he did the nappy change while I was cooking and he tends to just leave everything out.

I’m with the newborn in my bedroom right now because I’m so angry because he is always on his phone and doesn’t listen and if I answer sharply when he eventually listens then he reacts with anger. DD comes up and asks me what’s for pudding, I tell her to ask her Dad who is downstairs, she asks him and he doesn’t know what we have in the freezer or fridge so says something that we don’t have, DD comes back up to ask me if she can have an ice lolly and I tell her to ask her Dad! Is this being the default parent?! And AIBU to be so frustrated at DH for constantly being on his phone and reacting with anger if I answer in possibly a not so favourable way to him only because he’s not listening to me in the first place and it’s stressing me out.

I answered back that I already asked for help but he was on his phone as usual and not listening, I think DD went to ask something and then he snaps “FFS can both of you stop moaning”. Now, we don’t moan

Now I agree that he's checking out and is being lazy. But he's not wrong that you were moaning. And telling him he's 'on his phone as usual' is setting the conversation up as a row. You were right, and that's great if being right is the goal. But you could choose to try to make things better.

When he asks if you want help. say 'yes' and tell him the help you need. You shouldn't have to, you shouldn't see it as help, he should just be better. But these are low level things.

The swearing near DD, that is different. That needs a separate conversation. I'd say, "I wanted to talk about you saying FFS to DD and me earlier" and then stop talking. Give a big silence for him to fill. Let him tell you he's sorry about it. Let him tell you what he will do.

Stop point scoring and start expecting better behaviour.

@MrsTerryPratchett thanks for the advice. I totally know I answered back harshly, but I what I should have included in the OP regarding the phone use and why I answered back the way I did, we had a conversation earlier on in the day where I mentioned that he is quite bad on his phone recently, how much he uses it and the fact that he doesn’t pay attention to me or DD if he’s on it. He’s been playing this new game on his phone and I noticed he had been on it for 30mins straight and he thought he was only on it for 10mins so I said why don’t you check your screen time and he’d been on it for 2 whole hours in one day, and it was only 8pm. As well as spending an hour on social media and an hour on another app. I think his total usage for yesterday at 8pm was almost 5 hours!

I definitely do feel like I nag at times, and I’ve told him this because I don’t want to. But I’m always having to tell him to close cupboard doors after himself, to put his shoes on the shoe rack instead of at the bottom of the stairs or in the middle of the lounge, to put whatever rubbish he’s left in the lounge in the bin, and the list goes on. I used to just do all these things for him, my fault, but since having children, as well as being a working Mum, I refuse to pick up after him too so I’m always having to remind him and I hate it because I hate hearing myself saying “can you put that in the bin”, “can you keep the tools back in the utility” “can you put your dirty clothes in the basket” and so on! But that’s a whole different issue!

Have another baby, that'll sort it out.

But I’m always having to tell him to close cupboard doors after himself

I swear men just can't see cupboards! My ex, my step dad, Rob Beckett (so he says on the parenting hell podcast). I find it quite odd.

YANBU to be annoyed about swearing and excessive phone use during what should be family time. Does he need it spelling out to him that just because you are all at home, he should still be parenting? Playing with his daughter?
As much as I think all of your frustrations are valid I can see why he feels like you are moaning, because he doesn't see that he is doing anything wrong! Try and talk to him after DCs are down for the night.
"I don't appreciate you swearing at me and even more so at our daughter. I understand that you feel like I am on your case sometimes, I feel like you aren't as present as we would like you to be when we are all together."

@AuntMarch thank you. Worded perfectly, it seems I’ve been fighting fire with fire with my reactions so will definitely take what you’ve said in to consideration, definitely a much better approach.

Did you manage to talk to him? I know sometimes it is a whole lot easier to suggest things that it is to carry them out!

@AuntMarch we’ve both agreed to be the bigger person and try our best at listening and communicating better and we both have apologised. And he does realise how bad he has been with his phone lately, especially after he checked his screen time, think he was actually quite shocked and disgusted at himself 😅and I just need to bite my tongue a bit more and let some little things slide. The house will be a little less chaotic when DD is back in school after the holidays, as well as DH going back to the office after his paternity leave so I won’t have to clean up after everyone!

I do think some men think paternity is 'time off' because unlike maternity, someone else is there doing the actual work!

He should definitely tidy up the nappy changing mess if he was the one changing the nappy…

however I don’t understand why you couldn’t help your daughter with the tv if he was on the phone?

YANBU people who check out of their family and relationship to sit staring at their phone all day are twats. I suspect people only make excuses for this behaviour because they do it themselves.

This thing of having a massive negative mood swing when something disturbs them from their beloved screen, even getting angry at small children, is not unprecedented. You need to present what he has done to him in a calm way and point out that he gets annoyed IF SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT LIKE HIS FAMILY diverts him from his phone, not the other way around.

I don't think there is any point demanding or getting angry, it never seems to work long term. Just present it in a neutral and reasonable way and let him choose better behaviour

Because she was holding the newborn and the DD needed something typed. I mean she could have put down the baby but isn't it easier to put down a phone?

Or she could have tried to do it one-handed while looking after both children so he could play a game. Maybe she could stick a broom up her arse and sweep at the same time.

Put baby in his arms while you go do something...or nothing....in another room.

@Glitterybee he wasn’t on the phone, he was just scrolling facebook at the time.

@MrsTerryPratchett

😂love the response about the broom, hopefully DH won’t see this otherwise he’ll be getting ideas 😆

It seems he doesn't have the mental capacity or intelligence to work out what needs doing without being asked or directed. And then he gets upset because he views being asked as moaning or nagging. Not sure what you can do about that.

@TheMatriarchy that definitely is an issue. He tells me he doesn’t “see mess” like I do (how not I have no bloody idea!), and he’ll suggest I tell him what needs doing and he’ll do it, but when I hear myself telling him things it drives me mad, not to mention him. And I’ll tell him I don’t want to nag him, because it is nagging, but nagging him to tidy up after himself so if he would do that in the first place I wouldn’t have to say anything, and wouldn’t that be bliss for the both of us!!

Unfortunately he never had to lift a finger at home growing up. His Mum did everything for him, even made up his bed in the morning, kept his clothes, made his lunchbox even when he moved back home after Uni for a while! And unfortunately his mum wanted to do these things, she even gets FIL’s clothes for the day out each morning 😬crazy. She has apologised to me that she’s made him the way he is!!! DH has also apologised in the past, and he realises the issue, but doesn’t excuse him reacting with anger.

You’re in a difficult situation with a simple answer - which is, ultimately, you have to learn to live with it. You married your DH knowing that he had been waited on hand and foot as a child and as an adult, that he didn’t “see mess” and that he would always need you to parent him at some level. You now want him to change and he is responding defensively. The way these things play out is that you will have conversation after conversation with him and while he might change for a bit he will always revert back to type. You should either make your peace with it now or, be very honest next time you very inevitably fall out and tell him that his behaviour will eventually wear you down until you need to divorce him.

If he doesn't see mess, can he still feel it? Is he aware of wrappers etc as he puts them down? What if he walked into a cupboard door or stood on Lego? Maybe he can hear mess? I'm thinking bells for his shoes perhaps so he can gain an awareness of them when they jingle as you all trip over them. Don't even get me started on what he could smell...

I don't 'see' mess either though I do try. It sort of becomes part of the known environment (like a cushion on the sofa, it's extra but it kind of belongs there) and I work round it without noticing.

Luckily DH is reasonably tolerant about it.

But it is a thing. And I say this as the person who mainly carries the mental load of organizing everything and sorts out all the kids stuff.

Good that you had a positive discussion. It is always best to focus on what you would like to change rather than engage in recriminations for past annoyances.

DH and I have reached an unspoken agreement where he occasionally points out the very obvious mess in a gentle but sarcastic manner and I apologize and do something about it.

And / or he occasionally just spends a day tidying up.

YANBU at all but I do feel sorry for your DD who is being sent between the two of you for point scoring.