I have changed my username. I am a regular poster.
I left my 15 yr marriage 18 months ago, but only properly disentangled myself about 6/7 months ago.
I have grown up children who have left home. I have a great relationship with them.
My husband (no children together) was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive throughout our relationship and there were two incidents where I could have died it was that serious, I still suffer with trauma around one incident particularly.
It went to MARAC even though there were no children present/involved, and police pressed charges even though I declined to give evidence. This affected my job as I work in a field where we support people in abusive relationships. I realise now I spent a lot of time in denial, and down played it, and kept it to myself like a dirty secret. Work have been amazing. I am rebuilding my life.
Ending it was the hardest thing I have ever done and it was just the worst time having the target hardening/alarms etc.
I am happier now, I am dating casually.
I don’t know if this is normal but I struggle to know how to “be”, it’s like I lost my identity. Outwardly I am happy, friendly, outgoing, funny and sociable, inwardly I still have that illogical sense of shame that I allowed this to happen to me and that I am not good enough or I deserved it.
This weekend I have struggled to find things to do as I no longer have a ready made companion/family to do things with and even though I have fantastic friends and family I sometimes, if I spend long periods alone I feel this over whelming loneliness and lack of motivation to do anything and that feeling of huge blackness/sadness/fear/panic.
Is this normal? I don’t really know what I am saying but writing this down has helped so thanks if you got this far 🙌🤣.