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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Presents/ heirlooms from MIL

16 replies

ibis17 · 08/04/2023 14:11

I’m sure this must be a topic that’s come up before, but I couldn’t find it and was curious how other people approach this.

Basically, we have a growing number of gifts from MIL for our children (age 2 months & 3) that partner and I don’t want/ like and the children don’t play with. Our home is tiny and we are constantly struggling to fit into it/ declutter.

I am trying to work out if it’s reasonable to just take them to a charity shop, but the trouble is a lot of them are old toys she’s saved from my partner’s childhood (often he has no memory of these and there are a lot he remembers but says he really doesn’t want to hang on to) so it feels harsh to pass them on when she has kept them safe.

my relationship with her isbt bad, but it’s very formal and polite. She’s very sweet and well meaning, but from a different generation. She’s had all sons and had an approach where she seemed to push them to be independent and not spend too much time as a family until they had long term partners in their 30s. Now she clearly would like a much closer relationship with her sons and their families, but the sons aren’t that interested and I feel a lot of the emotional pressure of her needs fall on DILs.

I’m aware she creates narratives around the things she gives the children and has an idea of them playing with toys from granny. Which is lovely in theory but isn’t happening in practice a lot of the time.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but we can’t keep all this stuff!

my mum similarly presents stuff, but I have a much closer relationship with her and just tell her if it’s not quite for us or if the children aren’t really playing with/ using it.

Anyone else been through something similar? What did you do?

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2023 14:13

This is a job for your DH. He needs to tell her that you don’t have room for more stuff.

ditalini · 08/04/2023 14:19

Are there none of them that the dcs like (or will like in future), or that have memories for your dh? Not a single one?

I think it's fine to declutter stuff that isn't going to be used and she'd probably be happy seeing them play with one thing.

My parents saved a lot of stuff but it was all kept at their house as we lived in a tiny flat which solved the problem. We don't really have storage to be sentimental but I have kept a few old toys - I think that's pretty normal.

Original poster

ibis17 · 08/04/2023 14:19

He’s tried to tell her, but she brings the things anyway.

we told her we weren’t giving our three year old chocolate this Easter (slight fib as we were giving her some little eggs, but she’s still reeling from a recent birthday and MIL goes all out with sweets) and she said she understood, but on her Easter visit turned up with cups of creame eggs and lots of cake.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 08/04/2023 14:20

And DILs DO NOT need to take the 'emotional pressure of her needs'. Drop that rope - if DH doesn't want it then he can pass it on / back!

Box up the toys etc you don't want / don't have space for - say to DH these aren't used they came from your mum - can deal with them? He can either give them back to her or dump them - his decision.

LittleOwl153 · 08/04/2023 14:24

we told her we weren’t giving our three year old chocolate this Easter... ...Easter visit turned up with cups of creame eggs and lots of cake.

As you'd told her you weren't giving it to the kid - don't give it to them. Eat it yourself, dispose or donate it? Don't feel just because she went against you and brought it anyway you have to feed it to the kid!

JulieHoney · 08/04/2023 14:24

Absolutely not a problem for the DILs to solve. Your DH and his brothers need to handle this.

”Thanks for the thought, Mum, but we don’t have the space and it’s just not what the children are interested in.”
And back in the car they go.

StopitSarah · 08/04/2023 14:29

Oh I feel a bit for your MIL. I have kept all the brio and duplo for my grandchildren and some books too. I also have books and a few toys/games from my childhood that my children loved to play with.

Do you go to her house often? I’d be honest and say that it’s so lovely she wants to pass things in but space is tight and can they live at her house for the children to play with there. My dc had a playroom at my parents house with a mix of my old toys and new things that my parents got for them. It was so helpful and they loved it (and it meant we didn’t have to bring toys with us when we visited).

StopitSarah · 08/04/2023 14:30

I should point out that my children are still at primary school. But it hasn’t stopped me thinking ahead to grandchildren 😂

StopitSarah · 08/04/2023 14:33

Also, I did stop and think how I’d feel if my MIL had given me the sort of thing I was saving. I felt that brio and duplo are pretty timeless. In my mind I’ll keep them at my house for my grandchildren to play with, unless they want to take them home. Also handy for visiting small children now. My own MIL passed down some utter crap which I binned. Baby towels and bath toys from 50 years ago. Full of holes and stains.

Slimjimtobe · 08/04/2023 14:33

I wouldn’t hurt her feelings but I would quietly donate the stuff (dh should be dealing with her anyway / that’s what I do here when mil is needy - I gently ask him to ring her and sort it out)

thegrain · 08/04/2023 14:35

Put them in a box and wait for her to die then DH can pass them on if he wants

Mythril · 08/04/2023 14:35

Your DH's problem to sort as its his mother and his toys.

If she she still isn't listening even after you've made it clear, then no need to feel guilty about taking any further toys to the charity shop.

Original poster

ibis17 · 08/04/2023 14:47

Thank you. This is making me feel better.

We have absolutely kept and use sone of the things she’s given, and several are really special to us. It’s just there’s a lot of things like old puzzles, 1950s books, soft toys that really don’t get played with. If we had space I’d just box them up and store them, but we are bursting at the seams and currently storing a lot of DDs old clothes etc to use when the baby gets bigger.

MIL lives about 4 hours away and we visit once or twice a year (my partner isn’t keen on going) so it’s harder to argue the case for a playroom at hers. She and FIL visit us or we meet half way every 6 weeks or so.

the not staying at hers is an issue too as we stay with my parents a lot. It’s complicated staying at the in laws as there’s not bed space & DP gets really on edge/ upset.

OP posts:

justasmalltownmum · 08/04/2023 14:50

Give it back so she can give it to other DGC

Antihistamine62 · 08/04/2023 15:18

I could have written this post… especially the pushing the be independent until they had partners/children.

Original poster

ibis17 · 08/04/2023 15:37

Antihistamine62 · 08/04/2023 15:18

I could have written this post… especially the pushing the be independent until they had partners/children.

thank you!

It’s weird/ hard as it seems there was no pressure for DP to see her until I came along. Can’t help but feel that it’s an out dated view that he was a carefree bachelor and she didn’t want to get in the way of that, but I am his wife equivalent (we’re not married - that was a whole other issue) and I’m meant to take his place in a way.

OP posts:

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