Husbands mental health

Alex71 · 2023-04-08T12:39:33+00:00

My husband has always been the Rock and carer for me an our kids 10&12 both ASD&ADHD . And he had a job working with foundation study kids in college. Last June the transition to secondary education did not go well for our son ending up me fighting the local authorities to allow him to go to a specialist setting and only just now are we starting to negotiate suitable schools. our son’s behaviour is hard to manage there is violence even towards his dad now, swearing,his room is a dump. And worst of all he tries to run our lives by manipulation and by texting his dad 24/7. So something has to give , I had a breakdown in lockdown and now my Husband has had a breakdown 5 weeks ago , the GP is really good with him put him on Prozac and then some anxiety reducing med. Last night he told me he feels he is slipping much deeper but he promises he is not suicidal. i am totally lost as to how to help him , I try and keep the kids quiet , but they fight like kids that age do . I looked out the SHOUT service for him and other help lines from Mind . He just manages to sit on the sofa in silence most of the day. I am so afraid we will loose him, he is hardly eating and drinking and has no interest in anything. I am disabled myself so my physical help is limited. We have no family near and I am running out of things I can do to try and help him .

BCBird · 08/04/2023 13:44

Is there anything more thE GP can do. Get as much help as you can. Even if he says he isn't suicidal and I'm not saying he is he needs additional intervention. Hand hold.

faithinagape · 08/04/2023 13:54

Hello,

Thank you for sharing, what you're going through is not easy, especially when your husband has been your rock for so long!!

My advice is that your husband and your marriage must come first!! Even before your children. When your children are old enough and leave home it will be you and him.

Please consider reaching out to the local authorities and enquire about family support workers and restbite foster care teams for children with disabilities. This should help temporarily and will most likely aid your support mentally too because you're under a lot of pressure.

Wishing you all the best!

Original poster

Alex71 · 08/04/2023 17:06

I have looked out the number for our emergency crisis team just in case.
He did text SHOUT today so that is a baby step I guess .
I wonder wether he will ever be like before again ? But I know that I would stick by him , I owe him a lot.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alex71 · 08/04/2023 17:08

faithinagape · 08/04/2023 13:54

Hello,

Thank you for sharing, what you're going through is not easy, especially when your husband has been your rock for so long!!

My advice is that your husband and your marriage must come first!! Even before your children. When your children are old enough and leave home it will be you and him.

Please consider reaching out to the local authorities and enquire about family support workers and restbite foster care teams for children with disabilities. This should help temporarily and will most likely aid your support mentally too because you're under a lot of pressure.

Wishing you all the best!

Thank you very much , I might have to do that !

OP posts:

BCfan · 08/04/2023 17:09

There are usually some local NHS counselling or therapy self-referral services. It could be worth looking at that?

Also what about respite care or some sort of break from the children?

L3ThirtySeven · 08/04/2023 17:14

I too think the GP can do more for your husband. You can call the GP and request another appointment for him and go along to express your concerns for your husband. It sounds like he may need a new dosage and some actual therapy help coping with your DS.

Are you both registered carers for your sons? If so, there is often carer support and reprieve/respite funds available with the MH service that looks after your sons. Call their care coordinator.

He will come out of it with help. Burnout/depression is tough but not forever.

Littlebluebird123 · 08/04/2023 19:19

This sounds very difficult but good he's sought help.
My DH had a breakdown 4 years ago and even though he was on good medication, it didn't really start to work for a while and even then it was a few months before I wasn't worried what I'd be coming home to. It was over a year before I felt like he was more himself. I hope this isn't too tricky to hear, but in my experience, it does get better but is a long road.
As pp have said, extra help with the children may begin to make a difference.

I would definitely be looking at stopping your son messaging him constantly. I realise this may be difficult due to the ASC/ADHD but perhaps you and your husband could swap phones. I know your son is probably using previous techniques to help himself but I would imagine the barrage isn't helping your husband.

I don't know if your DH is doing counselling but that alongside the medication is a best scenario.
I hope you're able to take some of these pressures off him and hang in there. It's so hard to see the people we love suffering and not be able to fix it for them.

Original poster

Alex71 · 08/04/2023 20:21

BCfan · 08/04/2023 17:09

There are usually some local NHS counselling or therapy self-referral services. It could be worth looking at that?

Also what about respite care or some sort of break from the children?

Hi, Yhank you we have asked for respite but got turned down because the kids are not” disabled enoug 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

L3ThirtySeven · 08/04/2023 20:31

Alex71 · 08/04/2023 20:21

Hi, Yhank you we have asked for respite but got turned down because the kids are not” disabled enoug 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Are they on DLA?

Original poster

Alex71 · 09/04/2023 08:35

L3ThirtySeven · 08/04/2023 20:31

Are they on DLA?

Show quote history

Yes both high rate care 🤷🏻‍♀️but they mask so very well in front of strangers.

OP posts:

L3ThirtySeven · 09/04/2023 09:04

Alex71 · 09/04/2023 08:35

Yes both high rate care 🤷🏻‍♀️but they mask so very well in front of strangers.

Show quote history

How odd that you were turned down for respite. High rate care on DLA should make it automatic. I’d challenge that decision in your shoes- especially since the rejection has a direct linkage to your DH now being burnout and suffering from a MH breakdown. Can whoever cares for your DH- GP, consultant not write a letter in support stating that respite must be approved?

Sprinkles21 · 09/04/2023 10:43

Respite places are next to impossible to get for just* behavioral/autism/adhd due to the lack of spaces and funding/staffing some of the more violent children are 3 to 1 and staffing and some of the respite settings are just not built to cope with the destructive kids cluncils tend to offer respite to the more medically complex children that require 24/7 hourly care. Specialist schools dont offer wrap around care of any kind at least where i am there is very little help and certainly nothing that will happen very quickly. An option would be to use direct payments to employ a pa or a buddy for x amount of hours a week to take the children to activities they enjoy some just go for drives in the car if thats the childs preference i onow one family have one that takes the child to a nearby airport with a pack up as his interest is to watch the airplanes, the downside of this is that if you financially rely on the severe disabled premium i believe this is stopped to pay towards the direct payments for the pa. You can still claim carers allowance for the child though and have a pa. Mental health wise for your husband would he join a gym and go for a couple hours a day to swim or relax in the cafe there etc? We have a severely medically disabled child and two others one newborn, one asd and our mental health life saver is swapping on days off work for our 2 hours me time at the gym, it's incredibly hard to heal if you shut yourself into the environment that's triggering the problem xx

Original poster

Alex71 · 09/04/2023 12:54

Sprinkles21 · 09/04/2023 10:43

Respite places are next to impossible to get for just* behavioral/autism/adhd due to the lack of spaces and funding/staffing some of the more violent children are 3 to 1 and staffing and some of the respite settings are just not built to cope with the destructive kids cluncils tend to offer respite to the more medically complex children that require 24/7 hourly care. Specialist schools dont offer wrap around care of any kind at least where i am there is very little help and certainly nothing that will happen very quickly. An option would be to use direct payments to employ a pa or a buddy for x amount of hours a week to take the children to activities they enjoy some just go for drives in the car if thats the childs preference i onow one family have one that takes the child to a nearby airport with a pack up as his interest is to watch the airplanes, the downside of this is that if you financially rely on the severe disabled premium i believe this is stopped to pay towards the direct payments for the pa. You can still claim carers allowance for the child though and have a pa. Mental health wise for your husband would he join a gym and go for a couple hours a day to swim or relax in the cafe there etc? We have a severely medically disabled child and two others one newborn, one asd and our mental health life saver is swapping on days off work for our 2 hours me time at the gym, it's incredibly hard to heal if you shut yourself into the environment that's triggering the problem xx

Thank you so much , here it is also the same with respite care . And I do totally understand that medically affected children need the care more.
i will have a look about direct payments, our son has very strong special interests .
Thank you ! Xx

OP posts:

Sprinkles21 · 09/04/2023 13:37

No problem there are companies like penderels trust who help you with this and help you find the right person our severe sen girl is currently only 7 however we have both previously worked as a pa for several people so will use the same service when we feel ready too. I hope you find something that works for you all