To go no/low contact with mother

[Nextflixboxsethun]

This is a bit of a long one… strap in! 😂

My mum asked me a few weeks ago if I needed any help with childcare over the Easter holidays (kids are off for a full two weeks). My parents live over 2 hours away.

I work 2.5 days a week, 3 children 3, 5 & 6. Youngest goes to nursery 2 days a week and in-laws the half day, and they normal collect the older children from school on that half day. So my in-laws will have all 3 on my half day, Thursday they are going to a sports club. The week before I have taken the days holiday with the bank holidays.

I responded- Yes that would be fantastic and very happy for the help/grateful…could you do the last Friday as we haven’t got anything set in stone me and my other half were just going to juggle the day with work, more DH as he's at home and kids would just have to have a tv/iPad day, not ideal but fine for a day!
me thinking - perfect children sorted.

Their plan is to arrive at ours at 10ish and leave at 5.30. Perfect, older two will just chill downstairs until GP arrive.

last week me and my husband realised that we had a gig and hotel booked for that Friday they are here looking after the kids. Perfect I thought I can ask my parents to stay.
They can’t stay as they go on holiday on the Sunday and have hair/beauty appointment booked for the Saturday. To which I completely understand and said not to worry I will ask my in-laws. (Who are always happy to help!)

my mum a few days later lost the plot with me. Shouting at me over the phone why I didn’t let her know sooner that we were going out that nights (like I’ve purposely not told her!?)... Mad that my in laws get the kids (even though they can’t stay!?)…shouting at the possibility that she might not get to spend time with me…(I’m at work!) telling me it’s appalling that im not around.

Why set her off was when I tried to explain to her that it would make my life easier to go straight from work to the hotel, as it would mean me leaving work, hopefully at 4.30 on a Friday getting home at 5.15 then having to go back on myself to the hotel. I said DH will be around that day working from home and would sort the kids getting to the other GP for 5.30 (the time they had stated that they are leaving) to get to the hotel for 6ish

Gig starts at 8, but it would be nice to shower, get food and relax at the hotel a bit!

She called me every name under the sun, telling me what’s the point of them driving all this way not to see me. I didn’t get anytime to explain myself.
I messaged her trying to explain I’m juggling kid’s holidays, work, seeing parent, having time with DH and it was NEVER my intention to not see them! She didn’t want to hear any of it. I didn’t get chance to say I can see what my meetings look like I can come back for lunch. To which I would be home for 30min max.

she also had a problem with my youngest being in nursery on the Friday, I explained it’s good for him to go to stay in his routine (and the fact in paying for it!) and you can collect him early around 4.30 after his food or you will have to give him some dinner too. Also, it’s a much nicer/easier day for my parents and older children to go out for the day without a 3 year old! 😂
For some reason she had a problem with him going and the thought of having to feed him if she collected him before 4?! 🤷‍♀️

Am I in the wrong for thinking I’m right? Or am I being a spoilt entitled bitch (her words!) for not seeing/spending time with them?
Just to add we saw them for a full 3 days about 3 weeks ago, and are planning to stay at theirs over the coronation weekend in a few weeks.

its like she has no understanding standing that I’m trying my best to make everyone happy, and that I haven’t intentionally made the day/evening a little more complicated on purpose!

I understand that it’s not nice/ideal that I don’t see them. Believe it or not I would love to see them too!!

Also, I would have to make sure that the fridge is stocked, as they “don’t know the shops here” (I’ve lived in the same town for 10 years!) and she didn’t like the fact they couldn’t go swimming as I have taken the kids of my gym membership as it was too expensive! Saying (complaining) what are they going to do with them all day!

i don’t think all this is worth the free bloody childcare! I rather pay the £45 for the extra day sports club.

To add this isn’t an isolated incident, I can’t say no to them and they saying boring shit to be all the time about needing respect and how I need to be nice and do as they say! (I’m 35!) … and also, I’m one of 4 and 2/4 have no contact with our parents! Just putting that out there!!

And breathe… rant over! Thanks x

My mum suffers from extremes of MH and it’s honestly horrible I know kids that grew up with parents with addicts etc and can honestly say it was on par with that it was soo bad she never made any sense!

You haven’t made anything “difficult” you have easily got a solution so I wouldn’t start overthinking that part! The entire point of them coming was due to work how where you meant to be there to see them exactly?!

I would personally have to put my foot down and ask in laws to just have them and I would go little to no contact luckily they live hours away so it’s not likely for them to just pop up!

Is your mum jealous of the relationship you and your family have with the in-laws by any chance? Is she jealous that your going to this event?

The way I’ve done the little contact is simply never reaching out to my mum what so ever I never initiate a phone call or a message and it’s worked wonders i maybe speak to her once a week and see her once every couple of months! The only thing I will say though is if your dad is fine I would try to keep in contact with him.

TBH I think your mum is probably just really disappointed.

She knows your in laws have the children a lot and was kind to offer to help in the holidays. I expect she thought she would come and stay for 2-3 days, to see you all.

Instead she is doing a four hour round trip to see two of the children - not you, not your youngest child - before handing them over to in laws again.

So instead of a lovely visit, babysitting during the day, feeling helpful, spending time with you in the evening, it really is just a very quick visit. I think finding out that you wouldn't even be home after work to say hello was probably the last straw.

Although I guess the fact that two of your siblings are nc does suggest there's a bit more to this and I agree she shouldn't speak to you like that. Just think so often family arguments are more about a mismatch of expectation, hurt feelings and defensiveness.

Surely you must have already pre-arranged the childcare with your in-laws for the night of the gig, hotel stay ? Unlikely you booked all that without arranging childcare ?
so really you could have told your mum all this before she agreed on coming on that day and would have be aware to manage her expectations? It seems like you’ve taken her offer and then changed the goalposts at the last minute tbh …. So I get she’s disappointed she not going to see you

Cutting it right back to the bones - you want to cut off contact with your mum because she wants to see you as well as your kids, still tries to mother you and is jealous of the inlaws.

I know it’s not nice being verbally abused but I’m going to put that down to menopause/time of life.

She is clearly terribly unhappy.

@momentarylapse123
As soon as we realised we had made a mistake with the childcare for that night we asked if they would like to say. Which they couldn’t. They had only ever planned to stay 10-5.30/6pm, this was their idea not me insisting they leave. They normally stay a few days and we would have done something the next day

The offer of childcare in the day on Friday was from them, I didn’t ask they offered.
I wouldn’t have got home from work until at least 5.15 so with them planning to leave at 5.30/6pm even if I wasn’t going out I would have actually seen them for that long. They don’t want to stay for tea as they said it’s too much for me to cook after working - I said it wasn’t but they insisted and also they don’t want to get back home later

We see them every 3 weeks give or take and normally spend 3/3 days with them.

We booked the gig and hotel back in August and I think we both just thought we would sort childcare for that evening out closer to the time and then the event total slip our minds. We are very lucky/grateful (and all the above) that I’m in-laws were free. We would simply not have gone if not, or I would have taken a friend, DH taken a friend and tried to cancel the hotel.

It’s just the drama of it all I can’t be bothered with. And I totally get that it’s not very nice that I might not be able to see her to which I have tried to say - she doesn’t want to talk to me. She has no understanding that I haven’t done anything intentionally and that I’ve somehow had this plan all a long!?

Yanbu at all. Her language is appalling and all the stuff about swimming, shops etc. She's unpleasant and hard work.

I do understand that but the Easter holidays is two weeks. When they asked if you wanted help maybe they didn't expect you to just suggest one day, and for it to be at the very end of the break, two days before their holiday.

So they were probably disappointed when you just said Friday, especially as they couldn't stay over as they had Saturday commitments.

And then for you to say that you wouldn't even see them must have been really disappointing.

Personally, I'd have asked them to come down on Thursday so I could see them on Thursday evening.

But she could have said all of that instead of getting angry of course. I'm just trying to offer an alternative to her being nasty because she enjoys drama.

Blimey, your mum sounds like a real piece of work. Is this an isolated incident or a regular occurrence? She was very unpleasant and offensive to you, I can understand you being upset. I don't think you did anything wrong, your parents would never have seen much of you on this visit due to the gig, but you spend a lot of time with them each month. She's an unhappy woman to take offence & then rant at you the way she did. Give her a chance to apologise, for you to put your side and see if you can go forward.

Ugh.. it took me several incidents like this to realise that I had to go LC with my mum.
However I know it will take more than this and a poll on MN to get clarity for you.
I wish you well.. I always asked myself when my mother behaved in a way..would I say/do that to my daughter...invariably the answer was HELL NO!
she behaves the way she does because she knows she can..and unless you change your behaviour/response..she will carry on.
It's not easy. But.. think about that toxicity around your kids.

Just to reply to a couple of replies.

I have suggested my mum to come a different day/stay the night before but she didn’t want to.
She originally asked if we need help with childcare so I gave her the day which we needed the help. I didn’t know that they were going away (as they alway book last minute) until I asked her to stay over in the Friday night.

I never really said I wouldn’t see her, I just talked about the timings of me coming home and as I started talking I realised myself the logistics of it all and she wouldn’t let me talk.

This is the first time this has ever happened with me not being there. Other than if we have prearranged for them to look after the children if we are at a wedding or something.

I have given her loads of opportunities to collect the kids from school when they visit and they NEVER take me up on it. As in they arrive at mine on a Friday around 3 then walking to school to collect at 3.30 and having them until I get home from work. They (annoying) then turn up at 4.30pm and I’m at work and let themselves in (they have an key) and the complain that the kids are at after school club or at my in-laws!

Im just done with the drama and how I constantly made to feel bad. I live a really boring “normal” life I have never done something “out there” and I just feel like she comments on everything and has something to say about whatever I do in a negative way.