Divorce .. The only legal contract that the victim can be penalised for ?

[lastofthewine]

My husband had an affair and left us.
He brought nothing to the marriage, materially.
I enabled his career climb to the detriment of my own in order to achieve a good of standard of living and retirement.
We now go to court to divorce .
He stands to gain half of my pension and a share of a home that I inherited despite contributing nothing to these and me being the main earner , child raiser and chief/ only bottle washer , for twenty years . He was an absent father and husband, essentially.
This is so wrong and I really feel like acknowledging this with the judge ?

AIBU ?

He has no pension or savings or oroperty

50/50 is the starting point. It can be departed from for reasons of fairness. Get a good lawyer. But beware of spending more money fighting it than you stand to lose.

I'm sickened ! But thanks

My kids are with me 100% and he pays £40 Per week per child . That's it . For everything and I'm in Ireland so no free healthcare / dental etc .
I would spend my time on holidays if f I only had to pay out that per child per week.
What a fucking system !!!
I'm like a dog.

Yes. Absolutely. We need to stop telling women that marriage will always be positive for them.

It’s a crap deal for any woman who is a higher earner/beings assets with her. Especially when, as in your case, she also does all the work of raising the children and looking after everyone else.

Sadly, ‘fairness’ in this particular contract has nothing to do with justice.

I'm only finding my anger now that I may have to force a sale on my family inheritance to buy this fucker out

Even despite all this absolute shite, it will be worth it to be rid of the fucker.

Apologies but I’m confused as you say you enabled his career climb at the expense of your own then that you are the main earner and that he contributed nothing? Seems pretty contradictory.

the only way you can avoid splitting funds you built up is not to marry. I didn’t marry my ex - he worked but made less than me and was crap with money so I had loads more assets. It doesn’t always benefit women to marry and you can’t expect men to be a cash cow.

If the kids are going to be with you 100% surely that helps with arguing that he doesn't need as much of a share of the house?

I have sympathy, as had the same shock when told this by my lawyer. In my case, shared residency meant that it did to some degree make sense for a split in his favour, as I could earn and borrow more, and I do think that if both parents can stay involved and live close by, that's a blessing for the kids, even if the inequity of it upset me.

However if your ex isn't planning to have them over, it gives him far lower grounds to say he needs a split to enable a new equal setup.

Or if he's going to argue that he's been helping all these years and has earned it, go along with what he says, agree that your current high earning job would be impossible without his live in help, and therefore move to part time.

50/50 is the starting point. Get all your paperwork and in order to show what he has(hasn't) contributed over the years.
Not sure if Ireland had CMS but I'd log a claim for maintenance via them so you don't have any dealing directly with him.

My exh has decided he's not having his children over night for the next few months but I'm not allowed to ask him for more money because he just can't afford it. Yet he goes on holiday, buys computer games etc

@lastofthewine you have my sympathies. Was in a very similar situation, and you are very right to angry.

It’s a huge flaw in the system.

ironically, these guidelines were put in place to protect women who had no income and were supported by a husband. Unfortunately, when the woman is the main earner, she is often also the main carer and doing everything. The guy is rarely looking after the kids, and is often a cocklodger.

the traditional family where the wife gives up work is so rare now, that this needs an overhaul.

I actually think that people nowadays should be prepared to parent their children within their means if they split up. ( That’s men AND women.) That would mean using their own savings/earnings/inheritance to raise their child. How a cocklodger is entitled to half your pension is an outrage.

I do agree that this type of situation is totally unfair, but I don't think it's a just a female problem (I am female).

I knew a couple where the husband worked to provide for his family - the wife had an affair and got pregnant. He had to give her 100% of the house to keep his pension (he was a high earner). He then didn't have a house or live with his children.

There's nothing contradictory about this.
I could also have climbed the ladder .
I didn't as he was climbing the ladder and had fuck all qualifications .
He qualified , shagged a colleague and left .
I was main earner all that time .
I now need to give him half my pension and a share of an inherited and precious family home.
He has zero interest in the kids and they have less interest in him.
He has had five holidays in the last year.
How the fuck is this even legal .
I definitely want to question the judge on this

By all means reflect on the law, marshall your evidence, consider your circumstances and develop your arguments. Do not, however, question the judge. Nothing good will come of it.

I am
Apoplectic right now .
I'm sure I will calm before court .
What a fucking joke

As a rule, marriage benefits the lower earner, or the most vulnerable partner.

Often that's the woman as they tend to be the ones to take time out of work when they have children, but obviously that's not always the case and many women do lose out in the event of a divorce.

But many men could post threads just like this one. Marriage isn't always beneficial and people need to go into it with their eyes wide open.

Marriage isn't always beneficial but whatever you brought in the relationship you should be able to take out at the end of it, at least.
The whole system is flawed.
Even prenups don't seem to give any legal protection.

Do you have a good lawyer, Op? What do they say?

I'm getting divorced now too and changed lawyer recently and the difference between them is immense.