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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t stand my father in law!

20 replies

KatM93 · 07/04/2023 21:17

I had a little girl a year ago and since having her I feel like some people I can’t stand being around, namely my father in law!! He’s horrible, he always makes horrible comments about people and I’m worried about my daughter growing up around him. The issue is I love my mother in law and she has my daughter once a week. What do I do? I can’t stand the thought that my daughter is going to grow up around my father in law thinking the things he is saying is ok! He’s completely unreasonable and you can’t have an adult conversation with him about the things he does. Can anyone offer any advice? TIA

OP posts:
rampila · 07/04/2023 21:52

You're going to need to elaborate a little here OP.

Original poster
KatM93 · 08/04/2023 06:25

@rampila what more can I say? He makes horrible comments about everything from people being fat to jokes about disabled people. He’s horrible, he makes us feel unwelcome every time we stay over, he comments on every aspect of our parenting and is completely unreasonable when you confront him.

OP posts:
PurBal · 08/04/2023 06:36

Given he doesn’t change his behaviour the choice is to accept it (and let FIL see DD) or don’t (and cut his contact with her). Do PIL live together? Do you rely on MIL for childcare? Those things make it more complicated.

My FIL is dead. Wish he wasn’t.

AuntMarch · 08/04/2023 06:37

What is your MIL reaction to the comments he makes? Or your partners?

If it goes unchallenged I probably wouldn't be using them for child care much longer as the little one starts to understand more. She will think his behaviour is acceptable if nobody is showing her that it isn't!

MissyB1 · 08/04/2023 06:51

You are going to have to be very firm with him and very honest with Mil. You make it clear you don’t want your dc hearing him make inappropriate/rude comments about people. Explain you simply won’t allow dc to be around that kind of behaviour. So he needs to behave himself or dc won’t go to their house.
The alternative is Mil comes to your house without Fil.

SeaDee · 08/04/2023 07:10

Are your in laws still together?

Personally if I felt the way you do about your fil I wouldn't be relying on mil for childcare

NotCopingWell1 · 08/04/2023 07:13

I wouldn't allow contact without me there until DC is old enough to challenge them or know better.

My MIL is what some may describe as old fashioned but uses politically incorrect language for those with disabilities. She's very black and white and I would say unpleasant and no one has ever challenged her on it. As a result, her and FIL only ever see DD when DH and I are there, because DH himself admits he would find it impossible to challenge her in the moment.

Ttbhappy · 08/04/2023 07:17

Don't stop MIL seeing DD as FIL may not listen to anyone, older men are difficult in my experience they are set in their ways like old dogs. Not sure what the answer is as been on same situation and saying something made it worse for us.

WandaWonder · 08/04/2023 07:18

This can't have been a surprise for you?

user1492757084 · 08/04/2023 07:29

You child will get to know grandfather's quirks - particularly when all people react to him the same way - ie cringe, ignore, laugh a little and say that's not really that funny.
I trust the family all survive around him and so will your child.

Your long suffering MIL will be the best to deal with him while looking after the child. Presumably your husband has turned out okay.FIL could be getting a little dementia or has had a frontal lobe injury or a stroke.
Did he have a terrible childhood?
Some families have 'em!

user1492757084 · 08/04/2023 07:30

Does your DC call him Gumps or Grumpapa?

Callingallskeletons · 08/04/2023 07:53

Get paid childcare for the day a week MIL has DD and reduce her contact massively with FIL
MIL can come to you to see DD if she wants to (if she refuses Id tell her why) go LC or even NC with FIL

Devoutspoken · 08/04/2023 07:57

Purbal, your fil being dead is not really relevant, ops is alive. Op, just push back against them infront of your kid, they'll soon learn he's an idiot

DustyLee123 · 08/04/2023 08:00

If you don’t like him then you need to stop them providing childcare.
My FIL said inappropriate things, so as soon as he started trotting out the stupid stuff we would leave. He never learned, but at least we didn’t have to see that much of him.

Justcallmebebes · 08/04/2023 08:14

user1492757084 · 08/04/2023 07:29

You child will get to know grandfather's quirks - particularly when all people react to him the same way - ie cringe, ignore, laugh a little and say that's not really that funny.
I trust the family all survive around him and so will your child.

Your long suffering MIL will be the best to deal with him while looking after the child. Presumably your husband has turned out okay.FIL could be getting a little dementia or has had a frontal lobe injury or a stroke.
Did he have a terrible childhood?
Some families have 'em!

This

LlynTegid · 08/04/2023 08:19

Much as it may be expensive, you should look at alternatives. And say why, at least to MIL, making it clear her behaviour and comments is not the issue at all.

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/04/2023 08:22

Use it as a learning opportunity. I have a family member that makes rude comments and how people dress and peoples weight. I just keep role modelling being nice. For example the family member was watching tennis, said come here child look at the big fat frog. Family member was referring to a female tennis player wearing green. I made a comment about how incredible the tennis player is, being one of the best in the world and how nice her outfit was.
It shut family member up, and the child had grown up not to speak like the family member so I guess it works.

AliceTheeCamel · 08/04/2023 08:26

Does your DH agree with you that FIL's behaviour is unacceptable or does he defend him? If he doesn't agree with you, you will struggle to effect any change.
As DD gets older, best thing you can do is loudly correct any comments in front of her so DD knows that aren't acceptable things for FIL to say.

ACynicalDad · 08/04/2023 08:35

Presumably this will cut down by 4 when she goes to school, it’s one day a week, with MIL the main carer I’d ignore, she will have many influences on her life they won’t all be perfect. What does MIL say about him and your partner?

EyesOnThePies · 08/04/2023 08:36

Have confidence in your own parenting.

One of my grandmothers was a dreadful racist (amongst other things), made truly horrible comments, and gave me bits of ‘information’ about a certain racial group, and ‘advice’ about how I should never marry one because…

My parents (including my Dad who was brought up by her) and other grandparents were staunch believers in equality, inclusiveness, and political. The extended family over 4 generations is now diverse and multicultural and no one makes jokes based on hate or prejudice.

”Some people think…but” is a way to build critical thinking and independent decision making in children.

I would let her hear you say things like ‘that’s not true’ or ‘that’s a nasty thing to say’ quite often. ‘In my opinion’ if he is likely to argue back with worse.

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