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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Two plans tomorrow

18 replies

InTheResistance · 06/04/2023 22:24

Just had an argument with DH and he has stormed off to bed saying I am really out of order and I just want to know if he's right...

So we don't see my dad loads, he's not retired and works all the time, not the best at keeping in touch and he doesn't see a lot of our DD. It is a failing on his part and I'm not defending him.

DH has made plans for his brother to come over tomorrow afternoon. BIL lives very close to us, only next village but doesn't come over a lot as his GF has social anxiety. He called over a week ago to arrange, asked what time would be best for us etc. so that DD (nearly 3yo) would be on good form as he obviously wants to see her. DH said 2pm. All fine, I'm in agreement that BIL is on the whole a much easier person to deal with than my dad.

My dad called this evening to ask if we were free tomorrow for him to come over and see us all. We tend to see him spur of the moment or not at all so I was quite e pleased that he had decided to make the effort this time. Haven't seen him for a while but slightly more recently than BIL. I said we had plans in the afternoon but would be home and free in the morning and I would check with DH to see what time would be best. I don't see the issue with seeing one of them in the morning for a couple of hours, having lunch and then the other in the afternoon.

DH has had a meltdown because he thinks it's unfair on his brother for DD to have seen someone else in the morning. Saying he will stay too long, she will be in a bad mood by the time BIL arrives etc. I think she will be fine and he is blowing it out of proportion because he doesn't like last minute plans. He has organised something "weeks in advance" (one week n reality) and I am apparently messing with it despite there being no clash. I feel really upset that i am being made to feel like a terrible person and that I don't care about his brother (who I am actually very fond of) just because I thought it would be fine to have a parent round for a cuppa without too much advanced warning. He said he wants a break as hasn't had a holiday in a while which I get, so I offered to take DD out with me to meet her grandad instead but no, that will make her too tired for the afternoon. Also he wants to spend time with her. I work part time and he is full time from home which seems to be relevant to him but again I don't get what that has to do with this.

So... who is BU? I have asked my dad if he can come on Monday instead but realistically if I say no tomorrow there's a good chance I won't see him for a while.

OP posts:
TwitTwooTooYou · 06/04/2023 22:27

DH is BU.
I don’t see what’s wrong with 2 visits. Does DH not like your dad?

Whataretheodds · 06/04/2023 22:28

Your DH is being weird

InTheResistance · 06/04/2023 22:29

Thanks for that 😂

OP posts:
InTheResistance · 06/04/2023 22:31

@TwitTwooTooYou he doesn't particularly dislike him but my dad is a bit flaky and generally not as involved as our other parents. Tbh I'm the one who is usually pissed off by him and DH listens to the ranting so has probably been influenced by it.

OP posts:
cpphelp · 06/04/2023 22:41

Your husband is being weird. My dad is exactly the same by the way, so I really feel your pain.

ChrisPPancake · 06/04/2023 22:42

Your dh is nuts. It's a long time since I've had a 3yo but I'm pretty sure they'll cope with 2 visitors in a day!

Eggseggseverywhere · 06/04/2023 22:44

Does he think dd is The Queen and has to be booked in advance and not over - exerted?

BrioLover · 06/04/2023 22:44

DH is being weirdly precious about his brother's visit. YANBU to have your dad over for a couple of hours in the morning (which will likely mean your DD playing and watching a bit of TV whilst you catch up with him for most of the time).

Zola1 · 06/04/2023 22:46

Unless you have left out something important about your 3 year old having additional needs, I think your husband is being weird. Kids see people all day. You can't allow only one visitor in case your child is tired.
My 2.5 hates everyone regardless of how many visitors she's had, because she is part wicked witch. 4 loves and adores anyone who comes to give him attention and would happily play with a werewolf if they were good at car noises. You just have to take little kids as you find them

mynameiscalypso · 06/04/2023 22:51

I have a three year old and he'd be totally fine with this. In fact, he'd probably be better with two visits because he wouldn't have spent all morning driving me batshit.

InTheResistance · 06/04/2023 22:54

Ok well I'm glad that so far the consensus is that I'm not the uncaring cow he's made me out to be so thanks everyone.

Our families are quite different about this stuff, his tend to like to have dates and times booked in a long way in advance whereas my folks are all pretty easygoing about it which causes a little friction sometimes but this seems way out of proportion. I suspect that since he started working from home during the pandemic he has developed a bit of anxiety himself and it's actually too much for him. When DD was tiny she would have been overwhelmed by a full day of having people round (covid baby) and he's got used to having that as an excuse. If he would just say he can't deal with it and own that I would be ok with it but he's acting like it's objectively wrong of me to think this would be ok!

OP posts:
SpringHasSprung23 · 06/04/2023 23:09

DH is being OTT, it's Grandad & Uncle popping in, not a three ring circus & full ballet.

Not sure though if it's possible to change some so ingrained!!

I wouldn't be moving your Dad coming, when that's a time he wants/can come.

InTheResistance · 06/04/2023 23:39

@SpringHasSprung23 I really don't want to but don't know what else to do... If I let him come anyway or If I just go out to meet Grandad and take DD with me ill never hear the end of it. She may well be in a grumpy mood tomorrow she's a toddler, but if I do either of those things and then she's mardy when BIL comes it will be my fault and proof that I was out to ruin his visit. Not just a toddler being a toddler!
OTOH if I end up not seeing my dad at all over the bank holiday because of this I will be fuming myself. Plus I don't know what to tell him about why he suddenly can't come!
I'm feeling genuinely really upset that DH put me in this position over literally nothing. It's such a pathetically small thing and he's acting so hurt it's made me feel terrible 😢

OP posts:
SpringHasSprung23 · 07/04/2023 12:13

@InTheResistance

please stop feeling guilty!!

Pull up your Bug Girl Oants & tell him he's being fucking ridiculous & to grow up!

DD is a ^toddler that are what they are, they're not a show piece for Vusiting Uncles. Uncle is and adult and should know you can't expect them to behave in demand! If he wants that, then he needs to buy himself a doll that walks & talks. He lives locally, he could visit much more often and actually get to know* her instead of expecting her to perform for him!

see your Dad, life is short, (he's a bit of a PITA too, but, he wants to SEE you, not have a royal appointment with a China doll.

if two visitors is too much for DH, then he needs to go & get some help! It's not even like it's two big events in one day, it's 2 members of the family visiting FGS.

but stop feeling guilty, you treat it like a normal person with a normal toddler!!

yes she was a 'covud baby' but she's not now!!

InTheResistance · 07/04/2023 12:19

Thank you @SpringHasSprung23 I agree with everything you've said. It's exactly what I said last night. I think he does need to get some help actually but I don't know how to make him see that.

I don't think he is rational right now, I think hes had MH issues since having a baby in lockdown (was a traumatic birth too) that he won't admit to. It's hard arguing with someone who seems to be living in a different reality, it makes you question yourself and I guess I just needed reassurance from an outside person that there isn't something there that I'm not seeing.

Thanks again for the taking the time x

OP posts:
MissLC · 07/04/2023 12:25

It's a totally normal thing for us to have 2 plans in one day... admittedly my LO is 2yo so has a nap in the middle but that's generally how we split a day to fit in two things. Morning plan, nap, lunch, afternoon plan. It usually works quite well...
We've actually had something similar happen whereby my BIL asked yesterday to see us today. We only had plans this morning so we're seeing him this afternoon. Seemed a perfect solution to us.

TheHoover · 07/04/2023 12:27

DH is BU. His rationale is nonsense

Skyeheather · 07/04/2023 13:02

I have a three year old and he would love two visitors in one day especially if they were bringing Easter eggs (I'm guessing this is why they both want to visit?).

Your DH is being ridiculous!

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