To ask for practical advice to work on my need for control

[Ankleblisters]

I've been struggling a lot with being really rigid and needing everything to be a certain way. I think that has always been part of my personality but in the last couple of years I've noticed it is getting a lot worse and getting in the way of my life more and more. I don't want to drip feed but also hesitant to share too much detail - after living alone for a long time I have had to share space again and there are numerous tasks which if anyone else does them I panic - these revolve specifically around the kitchen and cleanliness but also stuff like laundry and various other tasks and routines. I'm also really struggling with change and things not happening when I expect them or taking longer than anticipated and I'm panicking a lot when things don't go to plan.

I hate myself so much because I really don't want to be a controlling person and I don't want to be uptight and anxious. I know this is really frustrating and hard to be around for other people.

Anyway, to get to the point, I know I need some therapy and am trying to sort some out. I have had a lot of therapy already due to a long history of anorexia (which has also relapsed really badly in the last couple of months). I know I need more help and am being supported medically and on various waiting lists for therapy (9 months+) to address this. In the meantime I am also taking online courses in dealing with anxiety and am reading lots of self help books.

But what I want to ask is this: apart from therapy, has anyone got any practical tips for how I can be less obsessively controlling? How have other people managed this kind of issue? How can I change and what steps can I take, practically and proactively to start to to change right now?

I need to work on fixing it asap but I'm quite stuck. Anyone have any tips?

If you're able to recognise it, and it sounds like you do, just pause, or count to ten, etc. Let your brain catchup before you kick into controlling mode.

Chimp Paradox is a good book to understand how you react vs how you feel. It won't get to the root of why, but it will help keep you together.

Thanks @BasicDad . I'll have a look for Chimp Paradox. Pausing is a good idea.

Has anyone else had this issue and how have they managed to change?

I think it might be a good idea to set two or three absolute boundaries. Then you will feel like you have some control, and might find it easier to let the other stuff go?

Does the person you are sharing your space with understand your issues? Is this a long or short term thing, having to share the space?

I'd look at endless problem solving. Basically you recognise plan a is changing to plan b. Sit with that for a few seconds and try to work out what your fears are about the change specifically. Eg what if I'm not wearing the right clothes, what if there's other people there and I'm not in the mood to talk etc etc. In your mind run what's the worst case scenario and then problem solve it. Every time your brain throws up a challenge take it as a new problem to solve. Eg I'm worried I'm not wearing the right clothes, people might judge me. I could tell them plans changed last minute so they understand. They might not even notice my clothes. What if I'm not in the mood to talk. I can listen and people like being listened to. What if they don't talk, I could leave early and go home when I want to. Etc etc until you have addressed whatever it is that's making you nervous about the change and you feel you have a plan in place.

@Ilovetea42
I think that's great advice and a very interesting way to frame and look at challenges. I'll be trying to do that myself now!

We’re both having to be extremely precise in our jobs. Which translates in the home.
We have compromised: if one of us started loading the dishwasher, the other one doesn’t interfere, but who loads it unloads it as well.

He has a different hoovering system to mine: I dust everything first, then hoover, then mop. He dusts with the hoover, not a duster, so he’ll hoover with the small brush, then the floor, then mop and then move to the next room.

If we wash the windows, he gets the living room, I do the bedrooms, so we don’t comment on each other’s technique.

Basically, we don’t do jobs together, ever. Apart from cooking, he buys the food, I chop, he puts it all together, I season.

I find Weil breathing exercises really useful - on YouTube , builds in a pause. Also - be kind to yourself, recognise that this is how you need to be at the moment , that you are seeking help even if it takes a while and that this is what your body needs to do to survive at the moment. Just seeing that can help. It’s not control freakery exactly, it’s anxiety

This is a really good idea. I think I need to define what I absolutely can't work on yet and what I need to let go of.

Its a slightly complicated one as I have had to move in to care for a family member with advanced dementia who is still mid 60s - so it's indefinite but unlikely to be longer than a decade and could be as little as a couple of years, sadly. The other person is finding it hard to deal with the loss and appreciates me taking over and doing everything, but also finds it very difficult to understand my issues and sometimes finds them very frustrating. So its a tricky dynamic.

Thanks, @Ilovetea42 , I think problem solving is how my brain works too. I need to go into problem solving mode and figure out what I can work on right away and then be strict with myself in focusing on that.

I think @BuddhaAtSea 's tips about dividing labour really precisely so that we are not commenting on how we both do things will be really useful too. We can definitely divide the labour a lot better and I need to let him do more and step back a bit. I did try this for a while of avoiding the kitchen when it is his turn to cook (about 2/3 times per week) so that I don't get anxious or start getting in his way. I tried it again tonight and think I did better!

Thank you so much for this. I am going to look into the Weil breathing exercises. But your reminder to be kind to myself was very much needed. I have been beating myself up about this so much and it's not that helpful as a response. You are right that 100% of my control issues come from anxiety and hating myself for that is not going to achieve any useful change.