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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/worried/scared

10 replies

MinesALattePlease · 06/04/2023 20:06

Awaiting ASD diagnosis for DS 3yrs. Appears to be at the high functioning end of the spectrum/not sure what the correct terminology is.
On a walk today, my elder child’s friend (6) was overheard calling DS “weird”. I know kids say things without any meaning to it but it’s really upset me. I’m already so worried about how life will look for him. Will he have friends? Will he be bullied? Will he find a partner? Just will he be ok in general. And this girls comment today was a real stab in the heart wondering if this will be the first of many unkind comments about my beautiful little boy.

OP posts:
fridaytwattery · 06/04/2023 20:13

Its tough, I won't lie. School wasn't a great bed of roses by any stretch because some kids can be horrible - they reject what they don't know or understand. Hopefully with more awareness and education, this will change.

To give you hope, my autistic DC is now 18, living away at Uni, in love with their partner and living a great life with some good friends both at home and at Uni.

KathieFerrars · 06/04/2023 20:57

It's hard and actually you will be more hurt by it than they will be - the ghastly parent that looked at my beautiful, kind, gorgeous 7 year old and said 'does e do parties?' With such a tone of negativity remains with me. He is now a kind, generous, funny, hard working chap in his late twenties. He works, drives, has a flat. I won't lie, it's not been easy and we do still do a lot for him - all the paperwork and initiation to get things done. School was tricky but these days people are far more neurodiverse aware and there are far more resources available and autistic friendly places than when mine was little.

Your little boy is wonderful. You will grieve and at times grieve for different stages in their lives but he will also make you laugh and, if he has an obsession, like mine did with household appliances, be a fab cleaner and bakerCake

Original poster
MinesALattePlease · 06/04/2023 21:01

Thanks for your replies. When you both say school was tricky - do you mean there was bullying? This is what I’m most worried about. Bullying and the idea of my baby being sat alone.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 06/04/2023 21:07

People do say mean things, especially little kids. My son had a really rough time with other kids for a long time. It’s just more recently (past year or two) that he’s gone to upper primary school and it’s shifted a bit because the kids have matured and realised that just because someone is different doesn’t mean they are weird or bad. To be fair my son did have some disruptive/bad behaviours so that would not have helped! It was hard because he wanted to be friends, have invites to play dates and birthday parties, play games with others, but then he couldn’t cope with the reality and was struggling badly in school so he was often excluded. It breaks your heart as a parent.

It is a rough road. I would recommend advocating loudly for him when you hear this stuff (that’s not kind, we don’t call people weird), and also reminding yourself that small kids say stuff they don’t really mean because they don’t always know it’s wrong.

Original poster
MinesALattePlease · 06/04/2023 21:14

How do I help him make friends? How do I make sure he’s ok? I’m so scared and heartbroken at the idea he could have a sad childhood without friends/getting picked on/ how that would make him feel

OP posts:
FrumptyMumpty · 06/04/2023 21:20

The behaviour is going to draw attention and have him labelled as weird, not the diagnosis.

I’m diagnosed ASD and it’s changed nothing except made me frustrated with people using ASD terminology to describe normal things that they cannot begin to comprehend the true experience of.

All that I wish that my parents had done for me was explain the reactions that I received and the POV of other people to try and develop my logical reasoning to imitate empathy more.

My parents always just put the blame on me or the other person and didn’t try to encourage me to compromise.

FrumptyMumpty · 06/04/2023 21:22

Oh and I did have no friends, but I didn’t mind either, so don’t project your feelings onto him.

I minded more as an adult but I wasn’t diagnosed then so was still trying and failing again and again.

Zooeyzo · 06/04/2023 21:23

The friends thing is odd. We as parents want them to have friends but your child may be happy in their own company and thats OK.

PenguinTattoo · 06/04/2023 21:26

Just to give a positive POV, both of my sons are ASD in mainstream schools. Touch wood, neither has been bullied and both have friends.
Fighting schools to get assistance has been the hardest part....

KathieFerrars · 07/04/2023 16:56

@MinesALattePlease You have to not impose your neurotypical norms on him. He will need down stime, resetting time and processing time. He will have friends but it may be in a different way to what you think. No point getting wound up about bullying - it hasn't happened and he and you will learn ways of coping. The weird comment is hurtful to you but if he owns his neurodiversity, I can see him shrugging and saying 'so what'. Social stories will really help and also pretalking him through situations.

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