AIBU to date when I feel like this?

[naleto]

I'm a thirty year old woman and have been single for five years now. I have a daughter (9) and don't want any more, so I don't feel any pressure on that front.

I have never had a healthy relationship, all of them have been toxic and fuelled with drama. Each one of them has walked away from me and this left me with such a painful feeling that after my last relationship I vowed to not do it to myself again. And I haven't and have been quite happy.

I genuinely would say I'm happy single, I have a busy life, am a professional woman trying to juggle the different pressures of life. I've often thought I wouldn't even have time to date.

However, every once in a while I think it would be nice to have someone. So the other night, in the midst of that thought I joined OLD.

I am bisexual and have swapped numbers with one woman and one man and am texting them both. The woman has asked me on a date. But the thing is, ever since I've been speaking to them both I just have this knot in my stomach.

This knot appears whenever I seem to be chatting or someone showing an interest in me. I enjoy the chatting and obviously it's nice when someone shows an interest. But it's almost as if my body just gears up to being hurt before it's even happened, and this is only from sharing messages with people over a few days - so they shouldn't have the ability to hurt me.

I hate the pressure of feeling like I have to reply, even if I can't be bothered, the pressure of saying the right things. The mundane 'how was your day' etc.

I want to go on this date with this woman next week but then I just think what is the point? It won't work out anyways because I'll do something to scare her away.

I could bang my head off a brick wall, I hate all this. AIBU to think I'm probably not in the right space to date?

My worry though, is after 5 years, if I'm not ready now, will I ever be? And I may be happy being single right now, whilst my life is busy but what about when I'm 50 and my life isn't as busy, my daughter will be out the house by then etc.

You sound like you’re going to struggle to enjoy it but that you want to give it a go….

have you spoken to someone about it? A counsellor or such like? Wonder if it would help you to unpick it/ learn to enjoy it? X

Ps. You’re not being unreasonable. X

Yanbu. But if you feel like that and the only thing pushing you is the worry of being alone in the future, then why not wait a while? Your daughter is still young, and the first few lines of your post you sound so happy

No I never have spoken to someone about it, I just thought it would sort itself out but maybe that's an idea.

Yeah that's an idea also! I just feel very confused about all my feelings. One minute I'm happy alone, next I'm think it would be nice to have someone.

Bump

I agree with PP about considering some counselling. I think you need to get to the root of why you keep repeating the same relationship patterns. Maybe you feel you don't deserve more than the toxicity these relationships produce, but there must be a reason why your self-esteem is so low.
You'd not only be doing yourself a huge favour by exploring this issue nd building your confidence by working with a therapist to accept that you deserve more, but you'd also be teaching your DD that knowing your worth and being single is a perfectly acceptable and good option and you'll be better placex to recognise if and when the right partner comes along. You'll also be doing your potential future partner a favour too, as they'll be part of a healthy and happy relationship with someone who is happy with herself.
I'm not saying it's totally wrong to go on dates in the meantime, but it's only fair to set your boundaries out at beginning, letting them know you're not necessarily up for anything serious or long-term just now.
Good luck OP 💐