How do we all deal with step parenting?

[userfred]

There's a couple of threads going at the min that are just awful. Awful for the step mum and awful for the step kids - infact just everyone involved in the family.

Blended families are hard but so common these days. How do you feel and deal with yours?

I have 2 step children. It's been a massive learning curve. It's been a struggle but also worthwhile.

The biggest thing I've had to teach myself is that the child didn't ask for this. No matter what the circumstances, the child is here and is my husband's child. He came with 2 children which I had to accept as he did me - I also have 2 children from previous.

My step daughter I feel I've been lucky. We get on well and there's never been any major issues. What is a huge help is that we get on with her mum. It's amicable. We've done many things together in the past for dsds sake and it makes life so much easier. It's her 18th birthday soon and she's invited me to her birthday meal with her mum and her nana - it means the world that I'm included in this.

With my step sons mum - a completely different story. It's not been easy. We don't get on with his mum and probably never will do. Because it's been absolute hell at times, I began to resent my step son. I ended up walking on egg shells around him. I used to dread him coming.

I decided enough was enough after his mum accused me of saying things I hadn't. I put down firm boundaries and promised myself I would stick to them. I then made a conscious effort to remind myself that my step son is a child. Non of this is his fault. It's always going to be a battle. He's here this week and I've noticed how well me and him are getting on. I feel more relaxed about him but equally I don't panic if I need to be firm with him.

The way I think of it is this:-

As a child, no one ever thinks 'I'm going to meet someone, have a child and then it's not going to work so I'm going to be a single parent. Then I might end up with someone else who has kids and I'm going to raise those kids too'

This is not the fairytale we thought we would always have. It's hard....but not child's fault.

How do you deal with it?

My friend married a lovely man with kids. First thing she said to the kids is 'I am Jan'e I'm not your mother or want to be called mum nor I am going to replace your mother but I'm here for you and if you need me and I'll do my best as a step parent. Her step kids love her but she says as much as she loves them it's not the same as her daughter and the kids being older now have told their love for her is great but their mum is their rock of that makes sense. It all depends. Some step parents step up and fo a better job then their bio parents. Firm boundaries are needed. My step dad was fine with me but it's my bio dad I call dad but we all get on so that helps.

I've been a step parent for some time and I also have joint children with my husband and still to this day I don't really know how I feel about it really. Do I hate it? Some days but not all. Would I do it again if I had my time over? No probably not. Would I continue a relationship with my stepkids if me and DH split? Probably not although perhaps minimally due to our children together.

It's a weird one. There are a lot of background factors, it takes years imo to get your footing right where you feel somewhat in a comfortable "role" and getting the balance right is hard. Some never do!

I am not one of these 'treat them like they are your children' types and never have been. I would say they see me more like an aunt. I can tell them off if needs be, we get on well, have a laugh, I've cared for them alone when needed etc.. but I don't feel a motherly bond with them. They aren't my children, they are very much the children of my husband and his ex to me and that is fine to me, to them, to DH, to their mum. The relationship I have with my own children is vastly different and I personally wouldn't want it another way.

Me and their mum get on when we are face to face but outside of that have never spoken really (i.e over text etc.. I don't have her number or she mine). We aren't friends but we aren't hostile toward each other either, we just co exist pretty peacefully. She makes my husband's life difficult from time to time which I don't like but I learnt a long time ago the key to not letting it weigh me down is to just let him deal with it. As harsh as it is, she isn't my baggage, she is his.

Oh and I wouldn't say I love the kids. Maybe harsh but true

How lovely. I think this is spot on and exactly how it should be done. No one needs to replace anyone. Just be that extra supportive person in the child's life.

some people seem to start relationships thinking they can have almost nothing to do with their partners children. Which I don’t get. I think thinking of yourself as more of an auntie type figure is more realistic. Of course they’re not your children but you have some affection for them and treat them well because you love their father. Or just do r date men with children which is also perfectly valid

There’s no ‘right’ way to do it, because every set of circumstances is different. What works for one family is unique.

I have stepchildren and love them, and they love me. It’s not the same as if they were mine and never will be. We get on alright with their mother. Despite all that, if DH and I separated, I wouldn’t want to be a stepmother again.

I think there is a balance to be struck. Of course I knew I couldn't marry a man with kids and have absolutely nothing to do with them but by the same token I don't subscribe to some of the beliefs on here either that you must treat them in the same way you do your own. Their childcare is not my responsibility for example it's an expectation we see on here allllll the time. I will help if I can or if I want to but I won't be made to feel guilty if I don't with any of this 'but if they were your children you couldn't do X Y Z', they aren't so it's irrelevant.

I just play a fun Aunty role and leave the parenting between their parents. I give my DP advice when he wants it.

Horrendous. I get on brilliantly with the kids (teenagers) but their mum has gone out of her way to try to destroy my relationship with their dad, she bans me from seeing them if he's not around and has made everyone miserable with her desire for control and revenge (I was not the OW, there was no OW but she feels he treated her badly because he fell out of love with her). The kids hate her for it and he gets the blame for that too. I cannot say how damaged everyone is because of the toxicity of the situation, but especially the kids, who adore their dad.

I don’t have stepchildren and my children don’t have step parents and hopefully never will.
i wanted to share a different perspective: I was raised by a parent who moved a partner in asap so as a 14 year old girl I lived with a man I hardly knew. And this man was part of our family, most holidays, day trips etc.
to say this was horrible and traumatising would be an understatement. Please consider your children, before moving in and making rash decisions. The relationship with my mother has suffered considerably and won’t fully recover since she prioritised a man over her children.

Every family is different and has different ways of coping. A lot depends on how much you see step children. My SSon live with us pretty much full time goes to his mums maximum a week per year. Therefore I get a lot of mum duties, homework, school, friends, manners and general parenting work. That is fine we are a family unit.

we have had holidays all together as a 4 (me, partner, DSS and DS) sometime with grandparents as well, couple as a 3 (me DP and DS) in these DSS was at his mum or my mums. He has had school trips and having an away weekend with DP this weekend.

Do we always get on - absolutely not, is he my son - nope, do I feel the same way about him as DS - no. Do I love him - yep, Would I fight to keep him if something happened to DP - yes as in his circumstances it would be better for him to stay. Would I be a step parent again - NO!

There is a phrase about not judging people until you have walked in their shoes. Stepparenting is a minefield!

My stepsons were 12 and 13 when I married their dad and we had a kid right away and another within two years. The eldest boy moved in when he was 14.
It was ok. I was supportive and friendly but I did not take on a parental role. I didn't get on particularly well with their mother, partly because she still held a lot of resentment over the fact her ex moved on so quickly (they were married for almost 20 years, I met him within a year of their separation and we married a year later), but we were civil. My husband was careful to keep any disagreements with his ex away from me, and he never ever said anything negative about his ex to his sons.
The boys are now in their 30s and their father died when they were 19 and 21. I still see them, trying to keep some sort of relationship between them and their half siblings, but they have not reached out at all to my son who could use some big brother guidance.

I've been a step-parent and I now have 2 children of my own.
As a step-parent, I followed the parent's lead all the time, so we had very little conflict over parental matters. Even after we separated, I and my stepdaughter have a firm friendship 15 yrs later. She's just had a baby and we're meeting up for lunch soon.

Now my soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, well, she decided my own parenting skills were inadequate. By doing so she's fractured our relationship and her relationship with my children. She's isolated herself with my ex and her partner too. Unfortunately, I've been living a real-life Cinderella tale. It didn't begin this way, it took 4 yrs.
So my sage advice is hands-off, gently ease your way in. If you bulldoze in then it won't be a pleasant experience for all concerned. It'll be a battleground.

my stepdaughter and I get along well. She’s now 27. Things were rocky in the late teens though. Stepson is another story. I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s violent, aggressive, on drugs and is a complete narcissist. I don’t want him round me or my kids. Dh sees him.

a big part of the issue was their mum. She left dh as she met someone else. Thought new feller was going to be the love of her life. Making all these plans together. Then she got pregnant and suddenly he wasn’t interested anymore. At that point she tried to get dh back so he could raise this other baby with her but nope he wasn’t interested in taking her back and raising someone else baby. Not long after she had the baby he met me. We didn’t have children til about 5 years later though.

she was angry and resentful from that point as I think she thought dh would just hang round as her backup and when all her plans fell apart and he wouldn’t take her back she was angry. She’s never had another partner, became more weird and reclusive and never worked. She has no money and it seems like she just likes to create drama these days, from what dsd has said. I suspect that there is a lot of jealousy too because dh and I are financially secure and she is not. Plus dsd lives close to us and sees us regularly but she rarely sees her mum now because of all the drama she creates.

I had the best relationships with my step parents. They were just lovely. I miss them very much now they've gone. They were both kind about the other adults that matters

The number one rule I go by is that if the father of the stepchildren doesn’t pull his weight and work hard, then it won’t work. He’s the one who either makes it all worth it or not worth it because ultimately that’s why the woman is there in the first place - to be with him.
If he behaves like a dick then unfortunately no woman is going to enjoy parenting his kids for him. E.g. why would she jump for joy at taking his kids to Saturday hobbies while he slobs about in bed?

My DSS is a wonderful young man. I’m not as keen on DSD but she’s getting better as she’s getting older. The mum though, 😬 Let’s just say, she scares me more when she’s nice! I never know what she’s going to do next.

The no 1 rule I adhere to is the step-parent needs to chill out and STOP enforcing boundaries that don't need to be there. Don't exasperate the existing family unit. Fit in.
Step-parents with no children generally have an idealized vision of parenting that is just a fantasy. Usually based around a strict routine, well unfortunately for them the existing unit has a well-established routine.
Gently, gently is the key.
Step-parenting is not for everyone.

I am a step parent and a mum, so four kids in the house. I like my step kids though the are younger than mine who are nearly adults so there is an element of not 100% enjoying some of the more hard work bits of looking after younger kids again,when I had kind of done with that. The biggest issue we have is the step kids mum
Who is truly very unpleasant and who makes every aspect of life as hard as possible. Worse still her behaviour is rubbing off on the kids who are now starting to treat their Dad and I with the same contempt she does. I find it pretty hard to bite my tongue and I get (internally) very protective of DH when they are rude or nasty towards him. That's starting to make life when they are here a bit less pleasant lately. I keep having to remind myself that it isn't their fault.

I think it's a longterm game.

Firstly, my partner always supported me and his children. He wasn't a Disney Dad and we discussed together how best to look after them when they were with us.

Secondly, my two stepchildren were brilliant when my daughter was born. They were - and are - a wonderful brother and sister to her. I think that brought us all closer.

I'd say my stepdaughter struggled at times. She fluctuated in her feelings for her own mother too. Sometimes she'd show warmth towards me but at other points she'd pull right away. Temperamentally we are rather different.

But now she is a parent herself. I think she appreciates my affection for the two step-grandchildren, so there seems to a more stable bond between us.

I am a stepmum to two now adult children (28 & 26), I've been in their life for 15 years and probably half of that was horrendous. How me and dh are still together I have no idea but I'm glad we stuck it out until they both moved out. We definitely get on better now that we don't live together and now they are older we don't have to have contact with their mum.

SDS has been a dream and we get on well, he's quite laid back and we are actually quite similar. SDD omg we have clashed over the years and she had been awful but I've learnt over the years to just not bite and let it all go over my head. It works well for me to be quite hands off because she's still a massive spoilt brat, I look after my step granddaughter twice a week which I was kind of given no way out of and I do enjoy spending time with her but I feel like I'm babysitting a friends daughter. I won't have actual grandchildren until my own kids have kids.

Do I love my sk's? Yes in a way but no way like I love my own kids. Would I do it again? No.

Interesting thread.

It's always been a pretty tough, fairly negative thing for me, and I probably fit into almost every step parenting taboo on here.

I can't say I love my DSS.

I struggled a lot in the early days with a general feeling of resentment towards my partner for the choices he'd made before he met me and the impact it had on our lives, though I've mostly come to terms with this now.

I don't really subscribe to the MN mentality of "it's never the child, it's always the ex/your partner". My partner is great and his ex is fine, I've never had anything really to do with her. What I do struggle with is the child - he's the sort of child that, in any other context, I would just find really annoying, in fact I often wonder how the situation might be different if he were a child I would naturally enjoy the company of, because they do exist. That part has been massively challenging.

Tbh how I deal with it all has just been to take a massive emotional step back and not dwell on it too much, and also to come to terms with the fact that these feelings are quite natural, and just need to be handled practically. There's a LOT of sentiment out there that someone who feels like me must be an absolute monster, and I guess I use MN to fight back against that mentality. I don't believe it's unnatural to not love someone else's child, or even to (privately) dislike them when their behaviour isn't enjoyable to be around. I think people can be extremely impractical about this. I don't think parents (especially EOW non resident parents which is what I have experience of) should go into relationships with expectations that their partner must love their children like their own, parent them practically (childcare etc) and see them as their own kid. Being friendly and welcoming should be enough.

When DSS is here, I try not to get too frustrated as I know I'd probably have more patience for him if he was mine, I let a lot of things wash over me, and I use the visits as an excuse for a much needed lie in if I feel myself getting wound up and need some space.

I don't think about it that much outside of contact time - I don't want to look back on my life and regret all the time I spent irritated about step parenting. So the important thing for me is not to give it too much headspace.

I love being a step mum, I’ve helped to raise DSD since she was two, we get along well with her mum and step dad, we’re just all her family. We don’t all agree 100% of the time but we are all capable of adult discussions and compromises!