How is this poem?

[sigh18]

As I walked on a tight rope,
I deliberated the path ahead with the help of hope,
And his fraternal twin,
Despair.

‘STOP! and go back through the gate,
As no toiling can keep you from the chosen fate,
Tell me, did the ocean ever reach her beloved moon?
Years of anguish but nothing gained.

Hope is right here, don’t listen to that liar,
To become a diamond, you must go through fire,
Your will can split oceans,
So, what is fate?

Tell me, what is it you require?
What is this endless turmoil of desires?
You are a fool to think you can win,
When everything has already been won.

Hope is right here, don’t listen to that liar,
To live, you need a burning desire,
Rage against the dying flame,
Winning is not your sole aim.

Didn’t the moth die chasing the flame?
Running after glory is a futile game
As you and me, we will always be walled
So what is the point of burning the midnight oil

Hope is right here, don’t listen to that liar,
Have you not seen life push through a wall, higher and higher?
The life in the seed will always shoot
For how long will the seed be encumbered?

As I reached the end of my rope,
I refused to let despair interlope,
For life is for striving,
For life is for living.

For life is for living.

☹️

Pity! I thought I had a winner

For some reason it reminds me of the lyrics of Dire Straits song It Never Rains.

Probably twin reference.

Self-indulgent nonsense - are you 17?

I like it!

@Rafting2022 30 sadly

Assuming you want an honest critique...
You need to lose the tired well-worn phrases and imagery; burning the midnight oil, moths and flames, end of the rope etc. They've been said a thousand times before and I'm sure you can think of more original ways to say what you want.
Also does the rhyme scheme serve the poem or is the poem serving the rhyme scheme?

If you're just writing for yourself to get your feelings out then as long as it served that purpose then that's okay.

You express yourself OP :)

Not your usual AIBU, admittedly

It reads to me more like song lyrics than a poem. Too much is said, too little left for the reader to discover.

I think the more important question you need to ask yourself OP is why is this poem.

Song lyrics

It's great, I love how you convey both inner voices of the narrator. I really disagree with @qwertyskoo

The only thing I would change is;

To become a diamond, you must go through fire,
Your will can split oceans,

To me it feels a bit out of place, I like the meaning, but your other metaphors for me feel more impactful because they make literally sense

Sorry OP it's not good at all at the moment. In terms of style, stop forcing rhymes and using imagery of moons and flames. Use the kind of language in which you actually think or speak. Have you read much contemporary or recent poetry? Can you take each phrase and explain what you wanted to convey without using imagery?

I like it very much OP! Surprised you’re getting a hard time (I write for a living BTW)

Theres a few threads at the moment asking for poem critique. I’m not sure who is telling people that AIBU is the place to come, but this is not a site bursting with poets (or particularly nice people) so I suggest you ask elsewhere!

It feels a bit manufactured and cheesy to me. Sorry

It's not going to win any prizes...

Not for me I'm afraid. I read half way then moved on to the comments. I did go back, but my opinion wasn't changed. Might be OK as lyrics possibly?
I think most of usccould replicate something of a similar standard, like pie n peas for Wedsnesdays dinner.. Not worth a share but maybe serves its purpose (for you)

It also makes me think....Oh no, not another poem. Hope every wanna be poet/writer doesn't post.
Sorry

You’ve nicked a bit of Dylan Thomas “rage against the dying flame” sounds too much like Do not go gentle into the good night.

Think about concision what purpose does each word serve - remove anything superfluous. The rhyme scheme has forced some questionable word choices like interlope.

Are you on a tightrope or a path?
It is not usual practice now to start each line with a capital letter unless it is the start of a sentence.

It all sounds a bit forced, someone writing what they feel a poem should be rather than writing from the heart and using their own words.

It doesn't flow nicely for me...

And I find I argue with some of the statements and ideas too, which doesn't help.

"To become a diamond, you must go through fire..'

No... to become a diamond firstly you must be carbon and secondly you must be put under enormous pressure. Not fire.

"...Have you not seen life push through a wall, higher and higher?"

Mm, maybe, but does it push through, or does it climb up, pushing through has nothing to do with 'higher and higher', unless you mean the wall is getting higher but then thats only relevant to climbing it, not pushing through it...

and:

"...The life in the seed will always shoot..."

No, no it won't, thats why plants typically produce lots of seeds, because for a wide variety of reasons, the seed will not always germinate!

Of course not everyone is such a fucking pedant, but it irritates the brain when you're not only coming up with rather trite metaphors, but ones that are wholly incorrect at that!

Ditto other comments, forced, trying to fit the rhyming scheme rather than the message... I still don't really know what you're trying to convey, and I should have a clue two stanzas in, even if theres a twist and I realise its something else at the end.

Don't stop though - stick at it, no one decent just wangs their work out straight away, every single word is carefully considered.

I am an AWFUL poet but I do it for fun, and my preferred poetry style is silly and nonsense rather than the deep and meaningful. I do like Bilston though, read some of that (or if you have... read some more!).