He can’t be a happy child?

[Isitmeanttobethishard]

DS7, eldest child in the family.

Hates singing happy birthday on other people’s birthdays, hates “forced fun” type activities that other kids seem to love. When I say hate, no meltdowns or tears - just grumpy and stubborn. Hates smiling for photos, hates doing “cheers”. Any group/social norms.

He finds it funny to talk about killing, punching, shooting. Will say he’s kidding when pulled up. Doesn’t actually physically hurt anyone. Similarly “jokes” about things being “rubbish”, or “the worst”. Again, says he’s kidding if pulled up.

DH seems to think he’s a happy boy. I think he’s at best oppositional, at worst, very anxious and unhappy. No idea how to help him.

One of my Autistic DS went through a phase of shooting at everything. I get why it feels concerning, I hated it and it worried me, but it passed. It doesn't sound like he's obsessing on it or graphically describing things, I'd gently remind him each time it's not appropriate and redirect as a PP said. With jokes I also talk to my DC and say jokes are only funny if everyone is laughing, if you make someone part of a joke it's only a joke if they find it funny otherwise its just hurting them. So if he jokily says something about killing/shooting someone I'd remind him that's hurtful and no one's laughing so it's not a 'joke'.

One thing I have noticed, especially with my middle boy is that he tries to interact and behave the way his friends do, but he doesn't really understand the behaviour he's trying to replicate and it can come across really wrong. Your DS could well be copying 'jokes' his friends make and missing the boundaries that come much more easily to NT children, so the behaviour seems more extreme then it actually is.

If you are wondering if he has ODD but he shows traits that could be Autistic it might be worth your while reading up on Pathological Demand Avoidance. PDA is a subset of Autism with similar characteristics to ODD.

@Iam4eels thanks for the tip, yes his “jokes” seem spiteful sometimes though, like it’s not so much that he hasn’t read the room, more that he has read it, knows it’ll piss people off and so says it!

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite yes I have looked into PDA a few times. He doesn’t fit really. He is oppositional and defiant rather than demand avoidant. He goes out of his way to wind people up, rather than avoiding every day demands.

I think my boy does that with his friends though. @EliflurtleTripanInfinite - copies their behaviour. It makes me sad as I feel like he’s not himself…