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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH?

25 replies

gyi3 · 05/04/2023 20:20

Sex life is pretty much non-existent (due to me.. no sex drive for a number of reasons I think).
Life is hard and stressful. I barely have any energy to shower most days. I don't look after myself. Always working, looking after DC, cooking, organising, planning etc. Anxiety is engrained in me in pretty much every aspect of my life which exhausts me even more (working on that with a psychologist).

Anyway.. today, DH said to me 'you know what would make me a happier person? You know what it is' (meaning sex).
We've talked about our sex life in depth in the past. He knows I don't have a sex drive and the issues I have that are also contributing to me not having the drive.
Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at his comment? Because let's face it.. it wasn't a question. And it was so out of the blue. He was literally on his way out the door to go get some bread. We had just had a conversation 2 mins prior about what we need from Tesco.
I just feel like I constantly live my days to please everyone else and it was a huge kick in the stomach like I'm literally burning myself out everyday and I'm still not good enough? He's not happy? Well if I didn't feel like giving up before I certainly do now
AIBU?

OP posts:
NEmama · 05/04/2023 20:22

You do need to talk about it though

Coffeellama · 05/04/2023 20:22

Why can’t he talk about what’s making him unhappy though? His feelings are valid too. It doesn’t mean you are any less.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/04/2023 20:22

You should of said back "and you know what would make me happy? A husband who helps me out when I'm burnt out and doesn't whine like a little bitch about sex. That's why you ain't getting none."

Ugh what a turn off. You have my full sympathies op. Flowers

Nimbostratus100 · 05/04/2023 20:23

I think he is allowed to tell you how he feels

Flamingogirl08 · 05/04/2023 20:24

It's hard but I would struggle to be in a sex free marriage and would expect to be able to talk about it

Sapphire387 · 05/04/2023 20:26

I should think most people would have an issue with a sexless marriage. I'm not unsympathetic to your feelings and of course we don't know the full details of your relationship but... he is allowed to miss sex and to bring it up with you.

DogFleece · 05/04/2023 20:27

Always working, looking after DC, cooking, organising, planning etc.

Does he pull his weight OP?
This is such a typical scenario - exhausted wife doing the majority of the work, husband who is blind to this, and prioritises his need for sex over everything else.

Of course he’s allowed to tell you this, but those of us reading and relating are allowed to think he’s a selfish prick.

psychDr · 05/04/2023 20:27

Sapphire387 · 05/04/2023 20:26

I should think most people would have an issue with a sexless marriage. I'm not unsympathetic to your feelings and of course we don't know the full details of your relationship but... he is allowed to miss sex and to bring it up with you.

I agree with this.

MiddleParking · 05/04/2023 20:27

Why are you doing everything? I don’t think it’s acceptable in a marriage to present no sex as a fait accompli and expect him to be okay with it but it’s much less acceptable for him to leave you to do all of the drudgery.

DogFleece · 05/04/2023 20:28

I am certain that if he did more in the house and didn’t leave it to you (look up mental load), you would have more time for yourself and you’d have more energy.

dietcokelime · 05/04/2023 20:32

Sapphire387 · 05/04/2023 20:26

I should think most people would have an issue with a sexless marriage. I'm not unsympathetic to your feelings and of course we don't know the full details of your relationship but... he is allowed to miss sex and to bring it up with you.

I agree with this, he's allowed to vocalise his issues too.

Is he pulling his weight at home? Do you both do the day to day tasks?

When you say you've stopped looking after yourself + are struggling by anxiety, I understand you're working with professionals on that, but it can be tough for the ones you love too. I know my DH struggled when I was going through a tough time too.

Xrays · 05/04/2023 20:32

What are the issues with sex? You sound like it’s completely off the cards indefinitely- do you perceive things changing? It sounds like you do need to talk about it.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/04/2023 20:33

Unilaterally taking sex out of a relationship is pretty unreasonable too, and your husband is allowed to feel pissed off about it. It also sounds like a long term issue rather than something recent. If your husband isn't pulling his weight then that needs to be addressed, but communication from both sides is really important otherwise your obvious resentment for each other will just grow until there's no relationship left.

Original poster
gyi3 · 05/04/2023 21:00

I am not disregarding his feelings or saying that he can't talk to me at all. We talk to each other about everything. Quite openly and honestly. And I welcome that.
What I'm annoyed about is how it was said like a dig. When I'm trying my absolute best to hold everything together. And I actually spoke with him openly a few nights ago about how I'm feeling in general at the moment and it wasn't an easy thing to say. So he knows how low I'm feeling. And his comment was just like 'kick me while I'm down why don't you'
I completely understand how important sex is to him and in a marriage. Not saying I'm perfect and that he has no place to talk. I wish I had the sex drive because I'd at least have some enjoyment in life but I have none. He knows this.
So I wasn't asking if it was ok for him to make a dig for having no sex. I already know what the issue is
Sex isn't completely off the table. It's up and down. We go through a phase of a few times a week for a few weeks and then nothing for a few months and he does nothing but badger. And I feel sometimes the more he badgers the more it feels forced and just turns me off.
Just writing this has made me feel shitty because I so want to be that wife that makes her husband happy but I just can't. What is wrong with me? 😢

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 05/04/2023 21:05

You mention that you are having therapy; would it be worth making it couples’ therapy so that there is someone there to keep the dialogue constructive?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2023 21:06

Are there physical reasons for how low you’re feeling? Could you be anaemic or have a deficiency, or a thyroid issue? It’s good you’re getting support with your anxiety but there might be something else you could address if you knew what it is that might help.

You need to try and prioritise basic self care, you owe it to yourself, you owe it to your children. They’re currently watching you running yourself into the ground and their mum and dad being unhappy and that’s no good for anyone.

Original poster
gyi3 · 05/04/2023 21:10

@AnneLovesGilbert this is what I fear so much. That our DC are watching everything. And I feel there is an obvious vibe all the time and I take full responsibility for it and feel so guilty but I don't know what else I can do without having to slack somewhere else

OP posts:
Original poster
gyi3 · 05/04/2023 21:11

@Clarinet1 he wouldn't be up to that. He rolls his eyes at that type of stuff

OP posts:
Beachhutnut · 05/04/2023 21:14

You need to prioritise yourself. Talk to him. Tell him you want it too. Tell him how to overwhelmed you feel. Organise a date night with babysitters and spend time on each other. Then talk about how you can reintroduce intimacy into your daily/ weekly routine, and how you need more help with other things in your daily/ weekly routine to make room.

Cantstaystuckforever · 05/04/2023 21:22

I agree about couples counselling, he might be a lot keener if you could present it also as a way to get his feelings heard and potentially move closer to a sex life.

It's not actually clear from your op if the issue is that he's not pulling his weight, or if it's really about your anxiety, but something that does stand out is how much your focussed on your feelings (which happens with depression, I get it), and he sounds the same "So he knows how low I'm feeling. And his comment was just like 'kick me while I'm down why don't you'"

Counselling could really help you talk properly and come up with solutions as a team.

Cantstaystuckforever · 05/04/2023 21:22

*you're not your!

roarfeckingroarr · 05/04/2023 21:32

He's unhappy and feels unwanted and needs you to know that.

Original poster
gyi3 · 05/04/2023 21:33

@Cantstaystuckforever I could approach it that way but I think it might let a cat out of the bag and make things worse. I.e im worried that he would still say no and then start saying so there's more issues and I feel that the marriage is breaking down etc etc. I fear it will make it worse to suggest counselling

He didn't used to pull his weight. His routine used to be: come home from work, get straight in the shower, he watches baby while I cook. I tidy the kitchen afterwards. I bath DC while he watches videos on his phone eating crap. And we would take in turns for bed time. But now the deal is I cook, he cleans, we take turns with baths, we take turns with bed times. But even still with that, I don't find the time or the energy to wind down because I'll hoover or do the washing. So he is doing more but I don't see a big difference when I probably should 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Anetra · 05/04/2023 21:41

Hi OP do you think you might be a bit depressed? I’m getting a sense of that from your posts. Would it be worthwhile talking to your GP?

Original poster
gyi3 · 05/04/2023 21:51

@Anetra I think I'm most definitely depressed. Probably had PND undiagnosed. Was so isolated. Had a breakdown when I returned to work after mat leave and went off sick. Sought help from GP but I can't tolerate any medications they offered due to side effects so I just learnt to live with it I guess

OP posts:
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