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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Butterflies with another man

27 replies

Mumsy12334 · 05/04/2023 15:05

I was on a night out with friends when a friend I hadn’t seen in a while started showing me affection. I always fancied this guy but I’m now married with a child and he is in a long term relationship. I haven’t experienced chemistry like this in 17 years and it’s really taken me by surprise. I’m racked with guilt even though nothing happened but felt it could have so easily. I had to keep removing myself from the situation and now he is all I can think about. Am I being unfaithful by having these thoughts? I know I should just park these emotions but feel I am going to want to see him again. I know a fling is something I would regret and could ruin my marriage but struggling to get through this.

OP posts:
GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 15:21

Is your marriage and relationship with your child worth losing over chemistry that could fizzle out a couple of months down the line?

Kitkatcatflap · 05/04/2023 15:30

You have a little crush on a man you used to fancy, enjoy it for now but recognise it for what it is. It's not cheating - it's being human.

I had a crush of the kids basketball coach, it lasted for months then one day I saw him blow his nose onto his sleeve and examine it afterwards. Put me right off.

inshitsville · 05/04/2023 15:33

You're not cheating by having thoughts but please don't go behind your family's back

MumboNumba5 · 05/04/2023 15:35

Avoid him and focus on your marriage the other man is just a fantasy. Do you even know if he feels the same?

Crocodilekneecaps · 05/04/2023 15:35

Fanny flutters, don’t be stupid

Choconut · 05/04/2023 15:40

How you feel isn't wrong - what you do from here could be. You just need to stay away from him and look at what can be done to improve the relationship you have.

xogossipgirlxo · 05/04/2023 15:41

17 years vs one meeting

Obviously it's easier to feel butterflies, it's new and exciting. Don't do anything you might regret.

Carnivore · 05/04/2023 15:42

It’s just a feeling and will go away if you ignore it. Otherwise you could ruin two families forever. I’ve had this happen twice. Ignored and walked away. Been married 24 years. Not as many flutters but do not ever want to live without my wonderful husband and best friend.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 05/04/2023 15:57

Thoughts are thoughts, you’re married, not dead. IMO it’s totally possible to appreciate a bit of a frisson and remain faithful. I know there are those who believe thoughts are deeds but I think that’s a bit severe and absolutist. That sort of thinking comes from a time when we were dead by forty as well! Feeling desire (and desired) can perk us up. Some societies are better than we are at accepting this as part of a pleasant social interaction without attaching judgement and viewing attraction as an inevitable first step towards infidelity and marital collapse.

Yer man might well have been enjoying a bit of night out excitement safe in the knowledge it can’t go any further, because you’re attached. So I’d be thinking don’t seek him out, and accept these feelings you’re having for what they are. Sometimes possibilities do their best work left as just that, they don’t always need to be explored.

Would it be worth risking it all for whatever you’d get from taking this further? I agree with the PPs who’re saying think about what’s missing in your life/relationship. I’ve only ever tended to get into ‘what if’ territory when I need to address something else.

GalileoHumpkins · 05/04/2023 15:58

What do you mean by started showing you affection, what was he doing?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 05/04/2023 16:30

Fanny gallops are a wonderful thing and can make you feel amazing and alive. But just enjoy them for what they are, a fantasy, smile when you think about it but don't invest any emotional energy into it. It's not reality and really not worth losing sleep over, thoughts are yours and yours alone, you're not cheating, because as soon as they arrive, they will leave just as quickly .

Original poster
Mumsy12334 · 05/04/2023 17:44

It’s was a tough day, we were at our friends memorial service and spent then spent the day together with friends reminiscing about the fun times 20 years ago, an emotional day. He became affectionate by hugging me, kissing me, whispering in my ear and then told me I was teasing him, which I definitely was not. He didn’t leave my side all day, even though I had to remove myself from heated situations, the tension was too intense. I always thought you would only have feelings for another if you were actively looking for them, I didn’t know the could jump out at you. I’m not going to do anything stupid but this guilt is eating me up.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 05/04/2023 17:46

He sounds like a creep, hitting on you while you were in an emotional situation. Don't feel guilty, he's not worthy of any kind of fantasy feelings though.

Crocodilekneecaps · 05/04/2023 18:46

He’s a sleaze

juliettesmother · 05/04/2023 18:49

CleaningOutMyCloset · 05/04/2023 16:30

Fanny gallops are a wonderful thing and can make you feel amazing and alive. But just enjoy them for what they are, a fantasy, smile when you think about it but don't invest any emotional energy into it. It's not reality and really not worth losing sleep over, thoughts are yours and yours alone, you're not cheating, because as soon as they arrive, they will leave just as quickly .

This!

ibis17 · 05/04/2023 18:53

I thought I was ‘in love’ with someone who wasn’t my partner for several years. They were someone who was unavailable and at a distance most of the time. While I was experiencing these feelings they felt very real, made me question my relationship and at times frightened me. Now I understand that while the attraction might have been real, a lot of the intensity was bound up with other issues: escapism, creating a fantasy person, wanting to not feel middle aged, dealing with the transition into being a parent. With some distance, I feel sympathy and a bit of embarrassment toward the me who felt those things, and very glad I didn’t lose my partner - who ultimately is my family and best friend - over it.

Thelnebriati · 05/04/2023 18:54

The physical attraction is there but he behaved like a creep. Focus on that til you get the ick.

Hawkins003 · 05/04/2023 18:56

Mumsy12334 · 05/04/2023 15:05

I was on a night out with friends when a friend I hadn’t seen in a while started showing me affection. I always fancied this guy but I’m now married with a child and he is in a long term relationship. I haven’t experienced chemistry like this in 17 years and it’s really taken me by surprise. I’m racked with guilt even though nothing happened but felt it could have so easily. I had to keep removing myself from the situation and now he is all I can think about. Am I being unfaithful by having these thoughts? I know I should just park these emotions but feel I am going to want to see him again. I know a fling is something I would regret and could ruin my marriage but struggling to get through this.

I can understand your perspectives, I guess sometimes the heart and human mind are a mystery at times.
Only you know what you would like, friendship, relationship or affair

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 22:44

Acting like this at a memorial service? And kissing you? Not surprised you're feeling guilty you've chested by the sound of it.

JoanJettsMullet · 05/04/2023 22:49

He sounds like a gross creep. An emotional day grieving for your friend… and he’s leching all over you then calling you tease. How are you attracted to that?

Chickychoccyegg · 05/04/2023 22:57

He sounds gross, totally inappropriate behaviour for a memorial service/group of old friends meeting up and reminiscing, then trying to put his behaviour on to you by saying you're teasing him!!!
He sounds horrible, and I'm sure you only had any positivr feelings about it because he was someone you used to fancy and it can be nice to feel fancied, especially by a past crush.

Yazo · 05/04/2023 22:59

These things can jump out, but still probably best to avoid and move on. You've got to have rational thoughts about these things

Withnailandeye · 05/04/2023 22:59

Mumsy12334 · 05/04/2023 17:44

It’s was a tough day, we were at our friends memorial service and spent then spent the day together with friends reminiscing about the fun times 20 years ago, an emotional day. He became affectionate by hugging me, kissing me, whispering in my ear and then told me I was teasing him, which I definitely was not. He didn’t leave my side all day, even though I had to remove myself from heated situations, the tension was too intense. I always thought you would only have feelings for another if you were actively looking for them, I didn’t know the could jump out at you. I’m not going to do anything stupid but this guilt is eating me up.

That’s a bit different from your OP to be fair.

letting him get physical and whisper in your ear? I’d be absolutely gutted if my husband allowed another woman to behave like that, memorial service or no, that is not how a married woman should conduct herself.

You either need to draw a line and focus on your relationship with your husband or leave him and pursue this man from yesteryear.

Merangutan · 05/04/2023 23:04

As soon as you explained he’s in a relationship , knows you’re married and was still kissing you and calling you a tease - at a memorial - it was enough to highlight that this man is not worth jeopardising your marriage for. He has no respect for your husband, no respect for his own partner and no respect for the fact that he’s at a mutual friend’s memorial and not at some speed dating event. I’ve got a feeling that the memorial has reminded him of his own mortality so he thought he has nothing to lose by cracking on to you. If this is his behaviour on the first occasion of you catching up after years, it shows that he doesn’t even have the brains to test the waters before leaping in.

adultdds · 06/04/2023 06:54

It's sexual attraction, people can find others attractive but it doesn't compare to a marriage and children, but tbh hitting on you at a memorial is very creepy . It reads like he was looking for a quick shag.