Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be sad my family have a favourite?

26 replies

Clueless1982 · 05/04/2023 13:38

We're on holiday at the moment with our three boys (aged 8 months, 3 years and 7 years) and last night over dinner my sister dropped into conversation that my oldest is her favourite because she finds our middle son 'a bit weird.'

To give a bit of context, my oldest two's behaviour has been a bit challenging the last couple of days (not condoning it at all, but it's pretty hot here and they're knackered which isn't helping) - and middle son is prone to the odd temper tantrum or outburst (seems to be a painful phase he is going through). It's these outbursts that she thinks makes him weird.

Our oldest is just as naughty but probably a bit cleverer about it - tends to wind the other one up until he reacts because he knows it'll get him into trouble. Standard sibling stuff (I hope!)

My mum also chipped into the conversation in a more subtle way but made it clear that our oldest was a favourite for her too.

AIBU to feel really sad about this? I feel like your family should be your safe space, where people love you unconditionally- little quirks and all. I feel like they'll have years ahead of them of being judged for all sorts by others and I hate that because middle son might be a bit feisty he's being judged negatively from his own family.

My family regularly help with child care in the school holidays (they live a fair distance away so tend to have them for a week in the summer) and it makes me not want to send them any more - knowing what they think about middle son. Am I just over reacting and being defensive or would you feel the same?

I suppose it's just always hurtful to hear things like that about your own children 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

vamptable · 05/04/2023 13:48

Don't have any experience on your side of the fence but I've been the family member with favourites in fact I could rank my nieces/nephews without much trouble - all 8 of them

People are going to have favourites when it comes to children that aren't their own. They just don't have the same bond you do and so some people are going to prefer a kid who's easier to deal with. Two of my nephews are like chalk and cheese and although I love them both, one is mild mannered/sweet and one is hard work from the moment he enters a room - as a result I prefer spending time around one compared to the other. My dad is the other way - he prefers being around the naughtier child because he thinks he's more fun/can roughhouse a little bit.

I would never make this clear to my sister though! Your family do lack tact for telling you

Number24Bus · 05/04/2023 13:53

They shouldn't have told you but I think this is pretty common actually. For example, in DH's family, he had a really special bond with his Nanny, while his brother had a close relationship with their uncle. Maybe it's not ideal, but it's far far better than parents having favourites among their DC. Maybe what upset you was that they both had the same favourite?

xogossipgirlxo · 05/04/2023 13:56

Even if she thinks so, why would she say this? How odd.

ditalini · 05/04/2023 13:58

Eh? They're comparing the behaviour of a 3 yr old against a 7 yr old??

I'd pay that no mind. It's apples and oranges. A lot of people find older children easier to relate to and it doesn't necessarily mean they'll feel the same when they're older.

Your sister could maybe do with a reminder that your middle child is 3. They're meant to be a bit weird at that age and it's what makes them brilliant (but exhausting).

mamabear715 · 05/04/2023 14:01

WOW.. they should have kept their mouths shut, imo..

Darthwazette · 05/04/2023 14:03

My ExMIL favours my son as he’s the boy (I also have 2 girls). She was very vocal about it to me and consequently I don’t enable a relationship between her and my kids anymore.

dietcokelime · 05/04/2023 14:04

I think "I feel like your family should be your safe space" refers to immediate family, so you and DH - not extended. Family will often have favourites and that's quite normal imo, my mum did and so did my aunts / uncles! I've got favourites within my family too, so tbh it's very normal in my experience.

mamaduckbone · 05/04/2023 14:10

I definitely have favourites among my nieces and nephews - just because I naturally get on better with them.

However, the difference is I would never dream of telling my siblings this!

TheNoodlesIncident · 05/04/2023 14:16

Your middle child is only THREE! Of course he's less developmentally advanced and therefore more prone to tantrums and feistiness, he hasn't got the maturity of a seven year old because he's not seven. It seems odd that your family members don't take this into account.

I would hope that as the middle child got older he would be more amenable and less feisty and therefore the issue of favourites would die down. But it's always possible that there will be sneaking preferences (they should never be overt and detectable by the children) just because different personalities gel differently. As long as the children are treated equitably there shouldn't be a problem.

Personally I would never say if I liked one dc better to their parents. Just not cricket.

Original poster

Clueless1982 · 05/04/2023 14:16

Ah thanks for the replies - I know I'm probably being a bit over sensitive.

I think it's the reason given more than anything. I get that people will always have favourites but I'm probably reacting to the fact that they're judging the middle one to be a bit 'weird' and then liking being around him less because of it.

My sister doesn't have children yet, so I haven't seen it from the side of being an auntie - maybe I'll get it more if / when that happens! X

OP posts:

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 05/04/2023 14:19

A three year old's temper tantrums get tiresome, especially for non-parents. Not unusual to "prefer" being around an older (and more reasonable) child, but completely unnecessary for your sister to be quite so candid with you.

But if your family is generally great with the kids and willing to help out with childcare and visits you'd be silly to make a thing of this. Of course I'm assuming they don't outwardly display any favoritism.

Does your sister have children of her own? Maybe just lightly say something like "give him a break; he's just really good at being THREE".

TuesdayJulyNever · 05/04/2023 14:22

Just spent the last week watching my dd come to terms with the fact that her grandmother prefers her brother to her and it’s shit.

DS has autism and dd already has so many extra difficulties to navigate in her life. She’s very protective of him and steps in when she can see him getting overwhelmed. Gran thinks she’s interfering, interrupting and domineering. She’s actually a big part of the reason that ds gets on well at his gps.

GM has only ever been able to have one favourite - that title moved from dh through two gc to land on ds, for now. All of them have been very hurt, and jealous, but not as jealous as the siblings who never got to be the golden child at all.

Having a favourite is one thing but expressing it so bloody obviously to the dc is another. The dynamic is completely fucked up.

NotQuiteUsual · 05/04/2023 14:29

I mean out of my nephew's I have one I get on better with. But I love them both equally. I'd never treat them differently and I think if you asked them how they feel about me they'd express similar sentiments. Saying you have favourites isn't really ok, but admitting you get on better with certain personalities than others is fine.

cosmiccosmos · 05/04/2023 14:36

Pretty common, I have 2 children, neither are favourites and yes it has impacted relationships with family.

CupEmpty · 05/04/2023 14:39

It’s understandable, 3 year olds are horrid (I have one). But they should understand the difference between the ages developmentally.

Snoken · 05/04/2023 14:45

I don't think that they don't love them equally, but you can still prefer to spend time with one over the other and that might change over time. I even had that with my own kids, sometimes I just preferred doing things with one of them because the other one was going through a tricky phase, but it didn't affect my love for them. I think that they are probably just trying to tell you that they find your 3 yo a bit much at the moment, so maybe don't push for them to look after him until he has matured a bit more. It's very different dealing with somebody elses child compared to your own.

Number24Bus · 05/04/2023 14:47

Don't worry OP, I'm sure they'll get over it. My DS2 was a little terror at 3yo and MIL made this very clear to me! But now he's a fab 13yo and she adores him.

caringcarer · 05/04/2023 14:56

The eldest grandchild is often the favourite. I have 2 dgc now. I love them both. I think I do love one more than the other because I think about him more frequently but I don't know why. I have given it thought. Both are well behaved boys. I treat them equally at all times and would never dream of telling my DD or SiL which my favourite is. I certainly have some nieces and nephews I favour. I spend more time with them. Mostly because I relate to them more. They all get gifted equal amounts for birthdays and Xmas though.

DanceMonster · 05/04/2023 15:00

My eldest is the favourite of everyone in our extended family too. I have 3 children. It makes me really protective of the other 2 when we’re in their company to be honest, and very sensitive to any perceived ‘slights’ of them. I don’t want to be like that, it means I’m always on edge when we’re with them. My youngest is severely autistic, which makes me additionally protective of him.

Survey99 · 05/04/2023 15:10

Everyone has favourites, or even ones they actively dislike. Only arseholes admit it out loud though.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/04/2023 15:10

They shouldn't have said it to you. But of course people have favourites - generally an easygoing, confident, physically attractive child with a sunny disposition will be favoured over a difficult, whiny or (unfairly) less attractive child who tends to play up or say no to everything. It is the way of the world.

Preferences change anyway - in another 4 years your 3 year old may be a delightful 7 year old, while your 7 year old has become a mutinous pre-teen with no interest in aunts and grandmothers. Their feelings may change then...

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/04/2023 15:39

Does your sister have children? I’m childfree and it honestly wouldn’t have occurred to me prior to reading this thread that parents would be upset by a relative having a favourite, every day’s a school day! Obviously it isn’t great if a parent has a favourite, but it’s a given really that other people in your children’s lives will like different aspects of their personalities in varying degrees or bond more over shared interests, and find bad or difficult behaviour and tantrums off-putting.

LudoBagman · 05/04/2023 15:52

I mean you could stop your family seeing your kids in the holidays but then you'd have to pay for child care so seems a bit pointless

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2023 15:57

I think it's quite natural for people to feel this way tbh (I could rank my DNs) but I'm shocked that they'd actually say it to your face. It's obviously something to keep to yourself.

I also find it a bit shit when it's the eldest people like best, and the reason is simply that their behaviour is easier because they are older. They were young and annoying once, too.

booksbooks8 · 05/04/2023 16:02

I think some preferences are more "usual", if somewhat dated and limiting.
There are the relatives who prefer one sex to another, either for historic reasons, ie boys over girls or those that tend to identify with only traditional sex roles, so prefer spending time with either girl relatives or boy relatives, and tend to praise the ones who are similar to them.

Then there are the older grandparents who don't necessarily "prefer" any child but gravitate towards the eldest of the any given set, generally because being the eldest they are easier to interact with, without as much physical movement, but this type of preference is often short lived unless there is a substantial age gap between siblings.

Then there are the grandparents who prefer their daughter's children over their son's.

I would find it upsetting if my family made their preferences clear, but I haven't had any vibe like this from them. I personally don't favour any of my nieces or nephews, but there are cousins who I would get on better with.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread