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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my sister and bil to be my children's guardian

19 replies

ineedapoo · 13/02/2008 23:59

DH and I can't agree on this. He wants his single 52 year old sister who lives in a rented 2 bedroom flat to be guardian to our 3 and 5 year old. I want my sister and bil who are 32 have 2 dc roughly the same age as ours to be guardians he is refusing says we won't make a will they can fight it out in court and his sister will win !!! I am very upset about this

OP posts:

Alambil · 14/02/2008 00:12

he is being totally weird; will he even talk about it?? Who are the kids closer too?

You can do your own will though I'm pretty sure? (bit sneaky though!)

Original poster

ineedapoo · 14/02/2008 00:14

No just shouts and dictates. They won't talk to his family on the phone but ask to ring mine. Both live a good few hours drive away so wouldn't say really close to either

OP posts:

ninedragons · 14/02/2008 00:43

Would his sister even WANT the children full-time?

Maybe he just fears that if the worst were to happen, the children would be waltzed off into your family and never have anything more to do with his (especially if he's aware the kids won't talk on the phone to his family but are close to yours). Could you put some kind of clause saying his family members are to have frequent contact into your wills?

AbbeyA · 14/02/2008 06:57

Can you talk to his sister? She may not even know his intentions and probably won't want to deal with teenagers when she is an OAP.

sdr · 14/02/2008 07:51

We have set up joint guardianship in our wills, one person from each side of the family. A solicitor can probably help.

JennaJ · 14/02/2008 07:57

We had this when we wrote our wills and we put both sisters as recommended guardians to be decided by the executors of the will or if they could not agree whoever was deemed by a court to be in the most suitable position to care for them at the time.

Jen

berolina · 14/02/2008 08:04

There are worse things in life than a rented 2 bedroom flat.

However, I agree that your sister and BIL sound more suitable, and that it's certainly not on for your dh to 'shout and dictate'. The 'they can fight it out in court' comment is just silly.

cluckyagain · 14/02/2008 08:12

Hi - we have a sister on both sides as executors and guardians and to be perfectly honest....I can't imagine either of them with my 3!! I'm sure they'd work it out if dh and I popped our clogs but it doesn't really bear thinking about. I think the general idea was - they're family, they love them, they are from both sides of the family so I'm sure grandparents would get involved too, but everybody would try to do what is best for the children - that's all that matters.

Upwind · 14/02/2008 08:12

Your DH could just as easily post that you are refusing to consider his sister, who has no children of your own in favour of your own who already has a family and might not be able to help favouring her own!

JennaJ's solution sounds sensible. You are lucky to have two viable options and hopefully one of them would be in a position to take over guardianship in the unlikely event that the need arose.

MummyDoIt · 14/02/2008 08:15

Have you actually asked either sister if they want to be guardian? We have nominated SIL as first choice and my eldest sister as second and spoke to both first. Our reason for choosing SIL first is that my sister's kids are all grown up and she's enjoying the next phase of her life whereas SIL still has a boy at home and would have loved more kids anyway. My sister would take our kids like a shot if SIL was unable to but everyone agreed SIL was the best first option. Maybe your SIL might not even want to be guardian which would solve your problem.

jicky · 14/02/2008 08:32

We were advised not to have as guardians people with similar aged kids, because it could cause problems with the guardians own children feeling upset. So on that basis his sister would be a better bet. Would she not be willing to move into your house ? We were also told this was the ideal solution for the children - although it wont work in our case. Instead the house will be rented out until they are 18, at which time they can decide if they want to live here or sell it. So they don't feel they are loosing their parents and the family home.

cmotdibbler · 14/02/2008 08:42

As for fight it out in court - he does know that if there isn't a nominated guardian, SS would be involved, your kids could be taken into care and they would have to go through the adoption approval process just like non family members ?
This is what happened to a friend of mine, and it was touch and go for a while whether he would go to his aunt and uncle or be adopted by a non family couple instead.

crokky · 14/02/2008 08:53

To the OP - I had a similar thing with my DH. Once he has calmed down and thought about it, he admitted that he just wanted his relatives mentioned purely because my relatives were mentioned. It wasn't actually because his relatives were suitable, he was just trying for things to be equal, even though that was not actually suitable under the circumstances.

Original poster

ineedapoo · 14/02/2008 09:55

Thanks guys lots of food for thought

OP posts:

Zazette · 14/02/2008 10:01

2 bed flat is irrelevant - if you and your dp both died (god forbid) there would presumably be insurance money, she could sell the flat and your house and buy a family home etc etc. Is she the kind of person who could provide a loving, stable home is the relevant question.

Original poster

ineedapoo · 14/02/2008 10:06

sorry agree 2 bed flat is irrelevant but perhaps is indicative of the stage she is at in her life was a single mother and brought her daughter up alone now enjoying no resposiblities etc

OP posts:

berolina · 14/02/2008 10:12

We are living in a rented 2 bed flat, with two small children. It is a nice, spacious flat and we are happy here - of course more space would be nice, but we're not rich. I appreciate renting and flats where we are (Germany) has a completely different status and connotations from in the UK, but it did still get my back up a bit to read your dismissive comment. Sorry

GColdtimer · 14/02/2008 10:18

I didn't know that cmotdibbler, that is a worry. I just assumed the family would decide. Better get on with writing out wills. Also, just because someone is a guardian, does that automatically mean they have to live with that person? Can anyone send me any links for useful websites that tells you about this stuff.

Sorry for thread hijack ineedapoo, have you spoken to either possible guardian about how they feel? Hope you get it sorted out.

cmotdibbler · 14/02/2008 11:05

Theres this one: Will you ever
You can appoint more than one guardian, which means they then share parental responsibility, which might make your DH feel that his family would have some inclusion.
Friend feels very strongly about this, as it was bad enough to loose his mum, but then to be taken into care whilst SS tried to decide if he and his brother could be placed with any of the family etc, was really awful.

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