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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can you tell your kids you love them too much?

18 replies

userfred · 05/04/2023 10:53

Just wondered thoughts on this.

I was never ever told I was loved as a child. Never told me they were proud of me. No affection. If I was ever upset about anything (like I feel out with a school friend for example) they would make it seem like my fault and never stand up for me.

So this has resulted in many issues for me growing into an adult. Low self esteem, no confidence, not many friends for a start. I've been in therapy and it's been eye opening.

So with my dc, I am trying to do the complete opposite. I don't want my kids to ever feel like I did.

They know they are loved - I make it very clear 😊😂 but can you tell a child you love them too much?

OP posts:

Itsbytheby · 05/04/2023 10:56

I had a good upbrining, lots of praise, support etc, but was never told my my parents they loved me. I think they were just not that gret with emotion. As a result I tell my kids I love them every single day. My son, when I say his name, responds "I love you too mummy". I love that, that he always assumes I want to tell him I love him. I can't see that growing up knowing how loved you are by your parents, always, is a bad thing.

Albyu · 05/04/2023 10:57

I think yes, actually. Not because it’s harmful but equally if it becomes something that’s said several times a day it becomes completely meaningless.

Newnamenewname109870 · 05/04/2023 10:58

Saying it constantly but not showing it is meaningless. Actions speak louder than words. Make sure you’re saying it for them, not for you.

MintJulia · 05/04/2023 10:59

I don't think so. I tell my ds every day that I love him. I don't make a big fuss about it, it's just a given, that is beyond question. Whatever happens he knows I'm on his side.

That doesn't mean I don't give him a hard time when he leaves the bathroom a mess, is rude to someone or won't do his homework, but my loving him isn't in doubt 😊

x2boys · 05/04/2023 11:01

I say it all the time ,my parents never said it too me and still.don't but I don't doubt for one minute they do love me very much they have always shown they love me

mnahmnah · 05/04/2023 11:04

No such thing as too much love with children. It’s the most important part of a child’s development - love, care, affection. Spending time with them. Showing interest in what they are doing. Cuddles and kisses and actually telling them you love them. My DC get told several times a day that I love them.

I’m so sorry you missed out on this. I grew up with lots of love and affection and therefore knew my parents were there for me unconditionally. I felt secure and loved always.

Original poster

userfred · 05/04/2023 11:06

I do all I can to show it too, that's also vital. I really try make sure they know they are loved at wanted. I also try show them how much I love being their mum.

I just sometimes realise 'i love you' slips off my tongue. The older dc are like 'yeah I know, you've told me twice today already....but I love you too' 😂🙈

OP posts:

ChickenMacaroni · 05/04/2023 11:08

I say it at least daily but try and mix it up with other ways I appreciate them. Specific things, but unprompted, like "I'm so proud of you perservering with learning the splits - I love your dedication," or, "Thanks for being so kind to your little sister today, I know it can feel frustrating trying to get a game going with small kids and I love that you made the effort." Similar to what I say to my partner I guess.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 05/04/2023 11:09

Well my boys and I say ‘I love you so so so so much’ to each other dozens of times a day. There is no too much for them (or my DH!)

DD tends to get a bit eye roll-y if I say ‘I love you’ too much. I still say it to her a lot but I know that things like eg filling her water bottle for her before school so when she goes to fill it, it’s ready… those are the sorts of little things that make her feel really loved.

DH and I have very different love languages. Our DC have very different love languages. So we tailor the ways we show love to each child.

Easterfunbun · 05/04/2023 11:11

I say I love you to my kids all the time, and to my husband and vice versa. We show it in lots of ways too 😊. It’s only a problem if it’s said alongside needy behaviour.

Wanderingowl · 05/04/2023 11:11

I don't think you can tell them you love them too much. But I think it's also good that they understand that most parents feel that way about their children. That they are extremely special to you but 'John and Sarah' are just as special to their mum. Because I do think that children can feel too special and important and need to know that they are important but outside of their family, they are not more important than everyone else.

Chattycathydoll · 05/04/2023 11:12

Probably, if you make them well aware that you’re doing it to compensate, or are obsessive about it and overemotional if it doesn’t get said enough times. But then, like anything, it’s not the words that are the issue but the intention behind them.

I tell my daughter I love her all the time and she’s very contented, confident, happy. There’s an element of security in just knowing for sure you are loved. She also says it back in the sweetest of ways- yesterday, ‘if I could draw a heart around the whole solar system, that would be how much I love you’.

swirly456 · 05/04/2023 11:14

I must kiss my 15 month old 100 times a day and constantly say "I love you". It's just an overwhelming feeling of love and it bursts out my mouth constantly.
He is also shown a lot of love, affection and given plenty of my time and attention.
I don't think you can tell them too much.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/04/2023 11:14

I don't think you can say it too much but encouragement and enthusiasm of and for what they do is equally important.

I am 63 almost and my epitaph will say "she tried to please her mother". I k ow I never shall.

Redebs · 05/04/2023 11:15

No, you can't tell them too much. ❤

Season0fTheWitch · 05/04/2023 11:23

My friend had a similar upbringing to you, never told she was loved and never shown affection. Now when she speak to her kids (14+16) she ends most conversations with "I love you". They love it, they know it's sincere and they are great well-rounded children/people. They're really open with her, telling her when they've done something they shouldn't/usual teenage naughtiness. I look up to her parenting, knowing her kids know they're loved and safe.

Jantlet · 05/04/2023 11:29

I had a similar upbringing to yours OP, but with bells on - lots of physical violence too. I’m now a grandmother and friends have remarked on how well I get on with my kids and grandkids.

My ghastly parents were the best possible teachers of how NOT to be a good parent.

Of course you can’t tell them that you love them too much, as long as it’s at a pace that suits them. But it’s not just telling them, it’s showing them by giving your time to them and building their self esteem and, when they are older, showing respect to them too.

I latterly got to enjoy seeing my female parent visibly baulk when she witnessed the closeness I enjoy with my kids - it was a real twisting the knife moment!

Woahhohoho · 05/04/2023 12:08

I do, my mum did with me too and still does which I'm so lucky for.

I also tell them I'm proud of them, they're strong, clever, all of the other things I want them to grow up knowing. I also tell them when things aren't so good if their behaviour is bad. I don't go overboard, it's usually when we're having a cuddle or it's bedtime but it's daily at least.

Both of them will randomly tell me they love me and/or give me a kiss which I love. Sometimes my DD will just do a heart sign with her hands. I think it makes them as happy as it does me to show and receive it.

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