Background: husbands parents live abroad (their choice) and have done for about 15 years. We have a 5 y/o and 17 month old. I work a well paid job which requires me to travel every so often but lately a little more than usual.I love my job and recently got promoted. Next year my department is growing, so I won’t need to travel as much.
My in laws make really unhelpful comments fairly often: after two traumatic births I was told to “not mention it as it might upset my husband or kids”. They often make comments about my weight. My FIL once put on my trousers and fitted himself in one leg hole and started walking around and laughing about it. MIL laughed along. Husband did nothing and said I was being unreasonable to be upset. He has since had words and FIL then says things like “oh we can’t talk about weight, can we?!”. FYI I am a size 14/16 and FIL is underweight.
As they live abroad, we often travel to see them. It’s a 15 hour journey door to door. My LO really suffered last time we went as they couldn’t handle the journey. It ended up being really traumatic and taking us 25 hours as we had to stop three times as much. I said we wouldn’t go to see them till he was older but they were welcome to come to us, or join us on holidays that required less travel.
MIL wasn’t able to come over to see us during lockdown etc so missed most of the early stages of my youngest growing up. She regularly says things like “I haven’t got the same bond” with my youngest etc in front of my kids. My youngest is too young to notice but I correct her and say that not on. She regularly says she’s looking forward to seeing /doing something with my eldest but forgets my youngest. She makes it clear with body language that she’s indifferent to my youngest.
Husband was very hands off dad with first: birth trauma which I “need to support him with”- I nearly died and my body was left in a state after. He is emotionally unsupportive. He is good with elsdest but tends on being lazy and not playing: helping, when ever he can. Me being away for work has required him to step up and be there and as a result the bond with our kids is far better. My eldest used to reject him and ask for me all the time, now husband is preference unless he’s upset. Before I started this job he was almost never there and I did a lot of parenting alone whilst also having full time work. I had to got back to work early as he lost his job, after first was born, much earlier than I would have liked (7 months)
We booked a holiday in UK. Husband and I have not got in well lately. He is a complete Mummies boy. He does not see how rude they are, most of the time. I am the main breadwinner. I have paid for most of the holiday, which was not cheap. We had a spare room so I asked if they wanted to come, so they could see they kids. They did but have not offered to pay for anything, other than their travel. They have offered £200 which barely covers meals out for the two of them. They are not short of money. They have four/ five holidays a year.
Husband has been ill prior to leaving which means most of the packing has been left to me. He managed to pack his own bag and load things in the car with my help. As a result I was totally exhausted after a busy work schedule for last month, being essentially the main doer in the house, as husband is lazy and obsessed with his own hobbies. I had put my back out from lifting things and youngest is teething so super clingy. So trying to juggle both, which was stressful.
MIL has made “poor husband comments” and bowed to every whim; cups of tea, making cake, massaging feet etc. I went to bed at 8pm yesterday as I was so exhausted and today my back has been agony but just dosed up and got on with it. Eldest keeps misbehaving and she keeps undermining me then walking away when he has a melt down and saying it’s because I pander to it. I really am not a pandering Mum. My husband has ASD and eldest shows signs of it too, so we have to have clear boundaries and routines.
she keeps making comments about how hard her son has to work whilst I’m away (he literally picks them up from after school club and puts them to bed- everything else is packed/ cooked or cleaned for him). She actually said to me, “so how are you finding your job?” I said I was loving it but couldn’t deny it was busy and things would get easier in a few months. She pouted and it seemed like a loaded question. “Will you be going away less?” ( I have been away every month for about 3 days). I said I could change my schedule to push my days away together rather than spread out. She said that would put too much pressure on husband. She then said “Well it needs to change sooner, it’s having an impact on husband, he’s ill you know”.
AIBU or is she being completely horrid and unreasonable with her and FIL nasty jibes and lack of empathy? I love my job and it’s something I’m actually good at. I feel like she’d rather I was a martyr and husband could live life doing hobbies and being lazy all the time!