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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL coming into house

19 replies

LDA123 · 04/04/2023 18:43

Bit of a long story but I’m in the process of getting a divorce, me and kids are still living in family home whilst we sort everything out.

Relationships have been very poor with him and his family since it all happened. Argumentative, accusing, name calling etc. You get the drift.

My soon to be ex MIL wanted to come to house to look after kids. I said no and that I would drop them to her and collect afterwards. I explained that I feel uncomfortable with all the bitterness between us as we’re barely on speaking terms. I am hopeful in the future things could resume to a more normal life and she can come round (like she used to) but we are not there yet. Kids go for tea once a week at her house and see her/stay every other week so still see her a lot.

Anyway, fast forward to tonight and she came to the house when she knew I was out and my DD12 let her in (he saw her through the window).

She she has deliberately gone against my wishes (we only discussed it last week). I don’t know how to feel about it all. I feel annoyed that she didn’t respect my wishes and also I don’t want to stand in the way of her relationship with her grandkids.

The house is in joint names until we sort out the finances but I am paying the mortgage and all the bills etc.

IABU - She should be allowed to visit grandkids whenever she likes.

IANBU - She shouldn’t turn up and come into the house when she knows I’m not here and I specifically said it made me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Whatisthisanyidea · 04/04/2023 18:46

I agree with you.

You are allowed a safe space to be yourself even if you aren’t there. I would message and say you are aware of the visit and not to do it again until you’re ready.

Then I would speak to your 12 year old and explain she’s not to let anyone in when you’re out.

PlantagenetEmbassy · 04/04/2023 18:48

YANBU but at 12 your DC should know better. Teach them better. MIL wnted to get in your house for some reason. Check your important papers and passports are where you left them.

GabriellaMontez · 04/04/2023 18:48

I bet this isn't the first time she's crossed boundaries. Make it clear she's not to come in the house again if you're not there. Tell the children they're not to let her in.

Let your ex facilitate contact with her from now on.

coodawoodashooda · 04/04/2023 19:12

I had a similar situation. I got the locks changed. I'd also make it clear to my 12 year old that the key wouldn't be shared unless he could be trusted.

Thatiswild · 04/04/2023 19:34

I’d be changing locks and telling her you have done so and if she ever does it again she will not be welcome in the house again. To be honest I’d just let her son sort out contact - if you’re paying for it all then it’s your house and you can choose who comes into it, whether her son owns a share of it or not.

Curseofthenation · 04/04/2023 19:39

What a cow. She's obviously doing this to go directly against the boundaries you've set. I wonder why she is so keen to be in your house...

I hope your DC were with her the whole time. If relationships really are so bad then she could be looking to report back to your exDH on her snooping.

Lovingitallnow · 04/04/2023 19:52

YANBU. I'd have it out with her. Unlike pp's I don't think you should be getting dc12 to police the visits though. I think at 12 he should know better than letting strangers in but I think being able to negotiate family dynamics mid acrimonious divorce is a bit of a stretch.

TheSnowyOwl · 04/04/2023 19:53

Were your children home alone?

saraclara · 04/04/2023 19:55

You cannot ask a 12 year old to refuse to let his grandmother in. That's a terrible thing to do to him.

Poppyblush · 04/04/2023 19:58

You can ask your kids not to let her in and the mil should not put the kids in that position.

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/04/2023 20:49

saraclara · 04/04/2023 19:55

You cannot ask a 12 year old to refuse to let his grandmother in. That's a terrible thing to do to him.

Yes she can!

Ramunea · 04/04/2023 20:54

Echoing what others have said, tell your DD not to open the door in future and tell her not to come around unannounced.

Holly60 · 04/04/2023 20:58

saraclara · 04/04/2023 19:55

You cannot ask a 12 year old to refuse to let his grandmother in. That's a terrible thing to do to him.

I TOTALLY agree with you. That would be something called parentification which is basically asking children to take on an adult role and to understand adult relationships etc

Absolutely ignore posters suggesting your 12 year old child should be made responsible for denying their adult grandmother entry to your home. Awful idea

Original poster

LDA123 · 04/04/2023 21:15

Yes he was home alone, he is in his 2nd year of secondary school so no concerns being left alone for an hour. I have tried to shield them from any upset so I don’t feel I can say not to let his Grandma in…. I have explained though, that shouldn’t open the door. She’d probably start calling out though if he didn’t so he would definitely know it was her.

I definitely feel that she would report back. That’s part of the reason why I felt so uncomfortable in the first place.

I don’t want to put any strain on the kids relationship with their grandmother though.

OP posts:

Original poster

LDA123 · 04/04/2023 21:18

I wouldn’t ask him to do that.

I did explain my concerns that he had opened the door in the first place but he saw her car on drive (from window).

All just an awkward situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

LDA123 · 04/04/2023 21:20

I did say that I found it disrespectful and she shouldn’t come over unannounced but she said she doesn’t need my permission to see her grandchildren.

I guess it will be easier when we’re in our own home, not the old family one.

OP posts:

ButterCrackers · 04/04/2023 21:24

You explained not to go to your house and she did. She took advantage of your son opening the door to let her in. Is there anything she could have taken? What was her reason for going into the house? I’d be suspicious of her. Tell her that she is not to enter your house anymore. Write her a letter saying this so it’s clear. Does she have a key?

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/04/2023 21:27

I’d speak with your solicitor and see if you can get a letter drafted setting out that whilst you are paying for the mortgage him and his family are to leave you alone at the house.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 04/04/2023 21:30

LDA123 · 04/04/2023 21:20

I did say that I found it disrespectful and she shouldn’t come over unannounced but she said she doesn’t need my permission to see her grandchildren.

I guess it will be easier when we’re in our own home, not the old family one.

The permission isn't to see her grandkids it's to enter your home.

She needs to show some respect here. You need to toughen up.

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