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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just before marriage fails

9 replies

Lockeddownagain · 04/04/2023 18:40

I realised yesterday I am in my marriage for 2 reasons
1 I can't afford to live alone due to the last ten years being a part time worker to raise my child and
2 the thought of only seeing my child half the year literally makes me sick.
I don't love my husband actually I don't even like him I don't trust him. We have been through far more than a normal marriage has been and the scars on both sides run deep.
He doesn't love me he tolerates me and I have watched him start to withdraw.
What do I do our child would be broken I think I would be too. I have no friends and I've had to cut ties with my family due to childhood trauma I've been dealing with in counselling.
No idea what to do except cry myself to sleep every night x

OP posts:
sgtmajormum · 04/04/2023 20:35

Hi there, feeling financially trapped in a marriage is awful.
Are you sure you would not be able to manage on your own?
Having a talk with Citizens Advice may be helpful.

I worry that if your husband is withdrawing from the marriage he may leave first, leaving you ill prepared.
If you see the breakdown is already starting you need to get your ducks in a row.
There is universal credit, housing benefit etc. Benefits calculators on turn2us.org are helpful.
When I first broke up with my husband i needed support but 7 years on I have resurrected my career and my finances are much better. I am also resident parent as due to their dad's work he only has them every other weekend and some holidays.

Hope you are able to see a way out.

Hi2u · 14/05/2023 20:46

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MaltedCow · 14/05/2023 21:05

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Fucking hell.

OP, now is the time to take stock. Really think about what is important to you and think about what would make you happy. Is your house bought or rented? Could you increase work to full time? Would your husband even have the time and want to have your child half the year?

Bearpawk · 14/05/2023 21:19

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Please don't listen to this

Frightenedbunny · 14/05/2023 21:23

@Hi2u this has to be a joke right? I hope admin see this post and take it down. Not helpful at all. OP I really get where you’re coming from. I felt like this 2 years ago. However, my husband and I were able to talk through our problems and work on them. I’ve no advice sorry, but just wanted to say I fully understand your feelings. It’s so hard.

user1473878824 · 14/05/2023 21:26

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One of the most disgusting and sad bits of advice I’ve ever read on here.

Give a man you don’t like or trust a blowjob because you feel financially trapped. What a fucking sad life to lead.

sorry that you’re lumbered with a Labrador but even on his worst days I give DP more credit than this. Jesus Christ.

OP, look into all your financial options. It can damage children, growing up in an unhappy home. You’re worth more than this.

choccytime · 14/05/2023 21:40

@Hi2u you re a nutjob

Hi2u · 14/05/2023 23:11

Sorry OP
I hope I haven’t upset you too
Marriage/life is hard
In my case there was no cheating going on
we were both just worn down
My DP isn’t a talker and what I mentioned got us over a horrible blip.
I hope you find a way through this sadness

Antisocialfluffmonster · 14/05/2023 23:40

Well I was in a similar place about 13 years ago. There were other factors, but it was miserable. My issue was that I worked full time in a job with travel, everything belonged to me and we weren't married. I was absolutely stuffed if he was getting anything out of me but I couldn't work without childcare, however poorly he did it.

I really did feel trapped, and I made a decision to just let him do what he wanted. Very long story short he was dead within weeks of him getting everything he wanted, as he had no self control. It's an alarming story, I know.

Anyway the point was I was 32 then, two very young kids, a job I couldn't possible do without someone to look after them for a week at a time, living in an old farm in the middle of nowhere.

I asked people around me for help, not even friends, I asked everyone I could think of.

Some randomish people helped me find a new house to rent, and to help me move, someone else helped with other stuff, someone else helped me find a car, someone else helped me figure out the money side of things. I persuaded my mum to take the kids a week a month or a bit less, and my work to let me do a month's worth of travel in a week. I actually managed it. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun at times, but all the things I thought were impossible were actually possible. But the key thing was asking for help.

Call Women's Aid, call the Citizen's advice, call the Welfare Rights Officer at the local council, you will absolutely be able to cope on your own, but you need to take the first steps.

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