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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to need answers to this behaviour? How would you approach this?

14 replies

Areginas · 04/04/2023 17:41

In January me and my ex fiancé had a huge row about his drinking. I was weeks away from giving birth and he had driven to the shops under the influence and I absolutely lost it. I (possibly dramatically) packed my bags and left to stay with my sister. I expected him to get his shit together and apologise. He did neither and as I got to my due date I was so panicked I begged for him to be there with me and he told me very clearly (and unkindly) that he wanted nothing to do with me or ‘that baby.’ To say I was devastated was an understatement. I claimed maintenance in Feb and last month I heard from him, as if nothing had happened. Texts asking after our DD, saying he wanted to meet and he was so sorry that he hadn’t been able to yet. Saying he had bought her gifts and he could post them or give them to her himself, whatever I preferred. Telling me he hoped I enjoyed Mother’s Day?! The last thing he said to be before all this was to stay away from him and he wanted nothing to do with DD. I have responded very cautiously as I didn’t want to obstruct things between him and DD but I feel sick at the thought of seeing him and also very unnerved by this sudden change in attitude with no explanation as to why he was so awful before I gave birth. I am exhausted with how he was in pregnancy and can’t face more drama or strange behaviour. How would you handle this, why is he ignoring what he did? I just want a very basic arrangement for him to see DD and cannot understand how he can be in touch but not even comment on what happened.

OP posts:

TempNCforthis · 04/04/2023 17:45

What a horrible thing to happen.

What was he like before this? If it happened to some men you'd have to suggest seeing a doctor for a brain scan as it was so out of character. For others you'd shrug and think it was just yet more bad behaviour.

Drinking while drunk is really awful and the way he spoke to you and let you go through all that alone is terrible.

Original poster

Areginas · 04/04/2023 17:49

@TempNCforthis he had been difficult during the pregnancy but always seemingly happy about the baby. He was a good man towards me prior to pregnancy. I despise what he did and it’s upset me so much that he’s contacting me as if we are essentially on great terms and he is being caring and interested in the baby he told me he wanted nothing to do with before I gave birth alone.

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 04/04/2023 17:53

This situation sounds familiar - have you posted about this before just after he got in touch?

What makes you think he's sorted himself out?

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 17:55

your relationship is over, but he looks like he is hoping to set up a relationship with DD now

Original poster

Areginas · 04/04/2023 17:56

@Whataretheodds hi, yes I posted when I made a maintenance claim. I don’t think he’s sorted himself out (not convinced he even accepted he had a problem). I’m just unnerved about the tone and how I can deal with this given he blew my life apart and now expects me to be civil without even acknowledging what he did.

OP posts:

TheFlis12345 · 04/04/2023 17:57

Has he got a new girlfriend he wants to impress by playing the doting dad?

Original poster

Areginas · 04/04/2023 17:58

@TheFlis12345 possibly but he’s not really that sort of person so I’d be surprised. It’s honestly like I’m communicating with a different person.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2023 18:02

I have no rational advice but I’d tell him to go away, block him and let him take me to court for access.

DrHousecuredme · 04/04/2023 18:06

Areginas · 04/04/2023 17:58

@TheFlis12345 possibly but he’s not really that sort of person so I’d be surprised. It’s honestly like I’m communicating with a different person.

Could you actually be?
Is it a new girlfriend or a family member using his phone because they want to see dd?
Or have you actually spoken to him?

I think all you can do is respond civilly but very factually.
He doesn't need to know how you are, you can give him the basics about how dd is and how you are willing to proceed with contact but any attempts to make friendly chit chat, just ignore. He's treated you horribly and hasn't apologised. He doesn't get to pretend to be best mates again now.

birdling · 04/04/2023 18:07

I don't think it is wise for him to have unsupervised access to your daughter if he is likely to drive under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.

Original poster

Areginas · 04/04/2023 18:10

@DrHousecuredme I did wonder this. It’s strange as the messages sound just like him before his awful behaviour. It’s like the vile awful person has vanished again but he said some quite disgusting things to me and I just cannot fathom how he can go from that to this without even acknowledging what happened. I thought we would spend our lives together?! The entire thing has been chilling.

OP posts:

ColdHandsHotHead · 04/04/2023 18:12

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2023 18:02

I have no rational advice but I’d tell him to go away, block him and let him take me to court for access.

exactly this

Daleksatemyshed · 04/04/2023 18:16

I'd cut out the chatting and just stick to the point. He doesn't get to rewrite history and pretend you're friends, no decent friend would have behaved so badly towards you. Tell him how the baby is by all means but don't get pulled into talking about you. He's probably realized he'd have been better off if he'd kept you sweet, but it's a bit late for that, knows coming to the house to see baby would be easier for him but I wouldn't allow it Op. Keep it very business like and factual

NumberTheory · 04/04/2023 18:26

I think you are wise to be concerned. I also think you should be wary of his interest in DD because he’s let her (and you) down at a critical juncture already. You don’t want her to get attached to him if he’s going to turn his back on her for months whenever things don’t go his way.

I would be very upfront about it - about how disingenuous he is being to message pretending that everything is rosy between you; and about how DD need to be able to rely on people close to her. give him the facts about DD, don’t make promises about him seeing her. I would ask him to post the gifts for now, or leave them with someone you can pick them up from. I would want to see some effort and resilience on his part before letting him see DD. And if you don’t feel you can face him, it’s okay to tell him you don’t want to see him after what he did (and in the future, if things proceed to him seeing DD, you can arrange contact so that you don’t have to see him - though agree with PP that if the drink driving is indicative of his attitude to drugs and risk to others, you probably want it to be supervised).

Keep the tone civil, try not to rant or have a go at him (justifiable though that is), ask a friend to look the message over if you feel you might not be able to keep the hurt out of it. You need this to be all about logistics, save your feelings for the people who care about you.

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