Is my son spoilt?

[fisherthem22]

Ds has just turned 12 and is a lovely boy. He's a kind friend, loving, polite (mostly) but I'm worried he is getting a little spoilt. I don't mean in a monetary sense, we're far from rich and haven't even had a holiday since before lockdown. But he seems to have lots of 'stuff'. Books that have never been read, toys that have never been played with. He had an expensive birthday party last month which he seemed to enjoy but I got no thanks and as soon as it was over it was more or less forgotten and he was asking about the next thing.

His dad (no longer together) doesn't help much with the boring day to day costs like school uniforms but loves to splash the cash on expensive statement gifts for ds. I'm starting to think that while he isn't demanding or expectant of having things, he just doesn't appreciate things or have any value for time, money and effort.

Is this typical kid behaviour? I suppose kids in general are fairly egocentric and don't stop to think of the time and money that goes into organising a party or bringing a Christmas Day together. But how do I instil this in him at 12?

Time for pocket money, jobs and saving.
The next time he wants something tell him you can afford £X and he'll have to pay the rest from saving up from pocket money etc.
My parents did this with me and I'm grateful for learning the value of things.

The thing is he has loads of money already. He is always been given money from relatives and he tends to squirrel it away so when he wants something he just gets it. Or more often than not someone will end up buying it for him. That needs to stop. He really does need to learn the value of money and the time and effort it takes to earn it.

You need a clear out. If there are books and toys he doesn't look at it's time for a sale or donation.

He sounds very spoilt. The lack of a thank you for an expensive birthday treat is completely unacceptable. Lots of children now have far too much stuff but the lack of a thank you mummy for the party should be a wake up call. He needs to realise the sacrifices being made for him and he needs to learn manners.

You need to talk to him more about the value of things.

Sell all the unused toys/books etc.

Did you tell him how expensive the party was? (In monetary terms and also how much it cost you in terms of days working etc).

We are well off but frequently say no to our DC when they're asking for things. Either because they're too expensive. Or not worth the money (even if cheap). Or rubbish for the environment. I may have gone a bit too far though as my 11 year old didn't tell me his trainers hurt cos he didn't want me to have to buy new ones...

I also make sure my DC appreciate effort that has gone into things, from me or other people. So a party is not just the money spent but also the time. They always say thank you.

He should definitely be better at understanding and appreciating the value of your time and effort by age 12.
I recently made my DD (6) an afternoon tea as a surprise. I did homemade sausage rolls, scones, sandwiches, cakes etc and set the table all posh with the cake stand etc. Her first words when she saw it were "Wow, thank you Mummy, this must have taken you A LOT of work, I love it!"
The difficulty you face if it is only you and DS at home, is who models that. I have no doubt that my daughter responded in that way because she hears her Dad thank me for my time/effort regularly and he models to her how to value and appreciate that. We both encourage her to put time/thought into cards for people or little surprises. For example, she puts notes in her dad's lunchbox now because we have always done it for her. So much behaviour is learnt/copied from what they live and see around them, which is obviously harder if there isn't another adult around to help you facilitate that.

Sorry but he does sound spoilt. I think you need to do a clear out of unwanted books / toys, so he can learn how fortunate he is-ideally donate them to a toy bank or charity. Can you talk to his dad and other relatives about reducing presents, or you take the birthday money and save it for him to have when he’s older

You need to speak to relatives about the amount of presents and money etc. Explain to them why.
Maybe look up the price and get him to work out how long someone who worked in a shop / restaurant or whatever would need to work to pay for one or two items he has.
As for not saying thank you, this needs to be modelled. Not just at home but when you're out.

Personally, i think any child who has enough money to 'buy whatever he wants' has too much money. Of course he's going to take everything for granted if that's the case. Set up a kids ISA or premium bonds and get relatives to put money in there for uni and beyond. Also at that age, it's important for him to start getting a sense of self worth from helping others. Volunteering perhaps. Would also help him recognise how fortunate he is. Read 'raising boys' by Steve biddulph.

I feel like he should definitely be able to thank you. He’s a teenager soon and needs to recognise the value of things! Do you model thanking others in front of him?

This is lovely!

Good post @Hungryfrogs23 . I would expect a twelve year old to appreciate and say thank you for a event you put on for them whatever the cost.

You need to reprioritise yourself. Your time and the work that you do to earn money is important. There is no point in working and spending your income on a twelve year olds toys and books. It's frippery.

For a start teenagers cost a bloody fortune (massive feet and driving lessons to name but a few) but more importantly you are demonstrating to him that him having things is more important than you are. Start buying yourself things that you want rather than wasting ones on things for your son.

I think it's fine that he has his own money (that's the driving lessons and massive shoes sorted for a start) but I think it's a good idea that a PP had to talk to him about how long you have to work to earn the money for things.

I agree about actively teaching the behaviours, dispositions and values that you want to see in your children. You need to ask if he enjoyed it and then say, so what do you say. Then say thank you - his appreciation means a lot. Get him to help at home, not for pocket money, buy because it is good to help out. Thank him for his help. Sometimes give him a treat to show your appreciation. Children are like puppies. You need to train them.

yeah my nephews dad started that shit

showing off buying him anyting he wanted-doesnt help when you cant match it and they think the other parent is great

I think the only way he is going to learn to be appreciative of other people's time, effort and thoughtfulness is if you point it out every single time and teach him to say thank you and mean it. And also if he is expected to do some thoughtful, kind and helpful things for other people.

Of course teenagers can be quite inward looking but catch them in quiet moments ans point the obvious out. For example, "Ds I really hope you enjoyed that party, I thought it went well" then "You know you really are old enough to start remembering to say thank you without prompting" and possible the odd small lecture on how hard you work and how much you spend on him etc.

My ds and I have lots of chats about this. We always speak before we see grandparents. Things like 'Remember to say thank you if they buy you a book, even if it's something babyish', 'Say thank you for the tea, remember they don't have much money and will have spent lots to buy cakes etc' 'Make sure you help clear the table' etc. My ds will sometimes be lazy at home and other times will be lovely and make me a cup of tea and he does do chores.

I'm with @Hungryfrogs23. The not saying thank you for birthday stuff is somewhat separate to the having loads of stuff.

Teens do often go through an incredibly self centred phase but certainly at 12 mine were not there yet. But you can model thanking him when he does things even if they are his jobs (emptying DW or whatever), and it is reasonable to request and expect thanks for things you do for him to some extent. My teens are not saints but they do say "thank you" for meals, lifts, presents. Teach behaviours. You don't have to do it in such a way that he is under the thumb and parroting it, but bring him up to notice and respect the efforts others make for him and notice his efforts in return

Sounds like a typical near teenage boy to me. Have a clear out with him and both of you take stuff to your local food bank or charity for those less fortunate and let him see for himself how lucky he is, other than that don't stress he's perfectly normal.

He's a child and you're concerned that he's acting like a child? Let him be. It's not his fault his dad overspends on him. If you feel like it's inappropriate for him to have money then put it into a savings account for him. Your expectations are too much for a 12yo. You can't expect someone who is too young to work and earn to grasp value of time/money. You can talk to him about it so he has the vocabulary and then help him figure it out as he gets older, starts working, etc.

Slightly spoilt - Sorry.

agree with clear out and pocket money.
If he has lots of cash available, it's time for that to go in an JISA for university or a house deposit.

I remember being delighted after my 1st communion as I got about £1k. It actually did go on a deposit for my first flat.

Sounds pretty typical to me, I couldn't imagine thanking my parents for a birthday party as a child - doesn't mean I'm a spoilt and entitled adult! If he has a lot of savings squirrelled up maybe it would be a good idea to put some away for when he's older - towards driving lessons or uni or a house deposit. Talk to him about it and about how expensive these things are and suggest a separate savings account so he can have one with small amounts in to spend and one he saves in.