BIL cheated. Sis still wanting to move cities with him.

[DelilahOC]

My BIL cheated. He claimed to my sis it was a fling. I’m not convinced and neither is my own DH. I have two nephews (6 & 3) and they pretty much lived with us for a bit whilst sis was sorting out what their next moves were at the height of the cheating saga. Sis and I spent so many nights talking about cheating BIL. Lots of tears and planning and so on.

Sis and BIL eventually moved back into their family home. They were all due to move cities this Summer, but we stopped talking about it due to the cheating and assumed it wasn’t happening.

She told me last night that they are moving cities this July after ‘working things out’. It’s been 5 months since his affair was found out… and the city they are moving to IS THE CITY HE HAD THE AFFAIR IN!!!!! The move was talked about pre-pandemic but when that all happened, it of course, pushed plans back!

I can’t help but think it is all going to end in tears. My nephews love their school/friends/home here. SIL says it’s a ‘fresh start’ for their marriage and doesn’t want to talk about it much. That’s fine and her choice obviously. But AIBU to think this is almost license for BIL to cheat again?

He’ll cheat again because he’s a cheater and he’s gotten away with it. But you can’t do anything here other than sit back and wait for the next time. Incredibly difficult for you.

I suppose cheaters don’t know how insane it is to non-cheaters. It screams ‘I want to be near my fling!’

Its entirely up to your sister though. All you can do is be there to support her if it does happen again.

You’re not wrong. I suspect your Sis fears this too, hence the reluctance to talk about it. But, as you say, it’s her choice. You can just be there for her if it does all go wrong.

It will happen again, if your sister dosent have sense to get out of that relationship whatever you say will falll on deaf ears.

You aren't wrong. This is, however, your sisters choice. Perhaps things will be different (although in my book once a cheater, always a cheater). Just make sure you let her know you'll be there if she needs you and keep in regular contact so she doesn't feel isolated.

I believe (although maybe wrong, not a lawyer!) that if they divorce in the new city, he might be able to insist the kids stay 'settled' in the new city, leaving her stuck away from her family. Worth pointing out to her?

I'd be guessing if they did end up splitting because he's a serial cheater it'd be more likely he'd be shirking his parent responsibilities playing Mr Loverman, than wanted full custody of his children.

He'll probably cheat again but I'm not sure it matters where they are.

Ultimately its your sisters decision and you can only try to support her.

True on all counts.

I know marriages with one affair, where the cheater has well and truly learned their lesson, what a split would mean and what really matters.

I would agree that anyone who then dies it again is a serial cheater.

What is the reason for the move? If it still stands, and isn’t relocate to the office where OW works, fair enough. But I am not so sure that in your SIL’s position I would move away from my own support networks/ job etc so quickly. I would want more time to regain trust etc.

But you can do nothing more than be there for her.

I know people who have had affairs and been caught
mots was the biggest wake up call of there life one couple still together now 15 years later
another lasted 12 months after trying again no falling out or dragging the past up it just wasn’t the same