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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH threw away DSs present from great grandad

21 replies

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:28

I'm feeling a bit emotional because my DH has thrown away a small gift my grandad gave to my DS(2). Grandad is very old, and this was a small keepsake from his 90th birthday cake - nothing expensive or meaningful beyond the fact that DS loved that he got this thing from his great grandad. DH threw it away because DS kept biting it and had damaged it (I guess texturally very satisfying). I totally understand why he took it off him, but I don't understand why he had to throw it away, as it's probably the only gift my DS will ever receive from my grandad, due to his age and health. AIBU to be upset about this? I haven't said anything to DH because I'm not sure if I'm being a bit silly..

OP posts:

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 03/04/2023 22:29

I'd be livid in your shoes. What a prick your DH is, sorry but I'd lose my shit if my DH did that

ExtraHotConsumeAtOwnRisk · 03/04/2023 22:31

Emotional me would be upset, for the reasons you mention.

Logical me would think a damaged cake topper would be very easy to just throw away, without thinking of any potential sentimental value; almost all of which will be for you rather than for your son (sorry!),

If your DH isn't usually a twat, I'd let this one go.

SapphosRock · 03/04/2023 22:33

So it was a small, plastic chewed up bit of cake topper?

YABU sorry, he wouldn't have known it had sentimental value.

However I do get it. My Mum gave my DC a plastic water jug to wash their hair 9 years ago. She has now died and the jug is old and battered but I would be devastated if it was thrown away as it was one of the last things she gave them.

Smartiepants79 · 03/04/2023 22:35

Did your DH realise it’s sentimental significance?
I too would be very upset that something like this had got chucked out. I would be cross but if I’d known it wasn’t done maliciously I’d let it go after a bit of grovelling from my DH!! 😉 Is it definitely gone, no way of retrieving it?

MuffinToSeeHere · 03/04/2023 22:35

So it's a cake topper that your small child has chewed?

Yes it's frustrating that he's thrown it away but to be honest it's not really a gift from his great grandad and if it's been chewed then surely the most sensible place for it is the bin?

Untitledsquatboulder · 03/04/2023 22:38

A little U. Once your ds gets too old to chew it he's unlikely to treasure it. And the chewing would destroy it anyhow.

RestingRulers · 03/04/2023 22:39

I think YABU too. If it was ok for your son to chew it then I wouldn't have thought it was something 'precious'. Have you photos of your son and his grandfather?

Headoutofplace · 03/04/2023 22:40

I'm getting from your OP that your granddad is still alive? Why not ask for/arrange another gift then, maybe one more obviously sentimental (don't mean necessarily expensive tho)?

Original poster

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:40

@SapphosRock @MuffinToSeeHere it wasn't a cake topper, more like an actual toy that's been used to decorate a fairly elaborate cake.

DH can be sentimental, he knew the gift was from my grandad as he was there, possibly didn't consider that DS and grandad won't really have many/any other opportunities for that sort of thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:42

@Headoutofplace grandad is still alive, but suddenly very unwell and unlikely to recover. Think I might be feeling extra sensitive because of that..

OP posts:

MuffinToSeeHere · 03/04/2023 22:43

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:40

@SapphosRock @MuffinToSeeHere it wasn't a cake topper, more like an actual toy that's been used to decorate a fairly elaborate cake.

DH can be sentimental, he knew the gift was from my grandad as he was there, possibly didn't consider that DS and grandad won't really have many/any other opportunities for that sort of thing.

Ok so not a cake topper but still something not too significant and sentimental that you minded your child chewing it.

Why not take your son and great grandad somewhere to get a toy that he can keep when his great grandad passes away?

MuffinToSeeHere · 03/04/2023 22:45

Apologies cross posted that he's now unwell. I'm sorry to hear that and given the circumstances it certainly sounds like it is adding to your frustration.

Yes it's annoying DH did it now but I doubt it was intentional to upset you, at some point surely you too would have had to throw the toy away if it had been chewed and damaged? Do you have a nice photo of them both you could frame instead?

Original poster

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:46

@MuffinToSeeHere the chewing definitely my fault, thought he was passed that stage and he was so excited to have this thing. Enjoyed seeing how happy it made him (obvious regretful now).

Grandad now too unwell to leave his home, not sure taking DS to see him so diminished would be kind.

OP posts:

Headoutofplace · 03/04/2023 22:47

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:42

@Headoutofplace grandad is still alive, but suddenly very unwell and unlikely to recover. Think I might be feeling extra sensitive because of that..

That is understandably hard then but still time to do something special, do you visit him? Can you engineer something as replacement, eg buy something for your granddad that has something as part of it that he can give your son again, like happened with the cake and topper?

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 03/04/2023 22:48

When did he throw it away? I'd make him retrieve it.

Original poster

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:48

@MuffinToSeeHere also cross posted! A photograph is a good idea, we have some lovely ones from Christmas and his 90th.

I know DH wasn't malicious, just frustrated that he only recognises sentimental value for his (and his friends') things. We had a bloody plastic yak in the living room for 8 years for some convoluted reason from uni..

OP posts:

ConstanceOcean · 03/04/2023 22:51

If it was on a cake did you not take a photo of it?

If so I wouldn’t be too upset as you still have evidence of it.

I get what you are saying and I’m awful for hoarding my DCs stuff as it’s all sentimental to me but if it’s gone it’s gone and I just hope you have a photo of the cake for the memories.

Could you buy a replica of it?
It won’t be from him but you’ll always remember that you had to buy a 2nd one.

MuffinToSeeHere · 03/04/2023 22:54

nanodyne · 03/04/2023 22:48

@MuffinToSeeHere also cross posted! A photograph is a good idea, we have some lovely ones from Christmas and his 90th.

Definitely frame a photo it will be more meaningful to your DS as he grows too.

I doubt your DH intended to make you feel he didn't value the sentiment of others things and no doubt he would have happily kept the momento if it wasn't broken and chewed but it's a tricky line to tread with small children when literally everything is of great importance to them and also risks turning you into a hoarder (side eyes the large pile of rocks and stones we have accumulated in the past week).

Mariposista · 03/04/2023 22:56

I understand you OP. My beloved gran died on Wednesday and my uncle (as his way of coping) went into full on organisation mode and he put a hyacinth that I had just got her for Mother's Day on a pile of things to be thrown out (saying it made him sneeze). I was so upset, and grabbed it and took it to my mum's house to plant in the garden. It's stupid, it's a plant, but it was the last present I will ever buy her and it didn't belong in the bin. It is still very much alive!

Dressshelp · 03/04/2023 23:04

We just had this same situation with a bloody potato masher of all things. I think my hurt came from DH not protecting me / my feelings / anticipating how it might affect me? Logically I knew the potato masher was beyond saving from the rust gods, but the fact he just got rid of it felt like he was dismissing the emotional part of it because it didn’t suit him to.

salvage it from the bin if you can, but treasure the photos if not. Im sorry your grandad isn’t very well right now

ScottishHolidays · 03/04/2023 23:09

Would you grandad be well enough to write him a little note on the back of a photograph of them together?

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