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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop being the ‘help’

21 replies

Mugtattoo86 · 03/04/2023 18:48

So back story DM fosters teenage kids and I have 2 DS similar ages. Foster kid is hard work and in public is rude and obnoxious to people. DM is constantly grilling me to where I am going and can I book for them to come, I mean multiple times a day. I don’t mind them joining somethings but not everything as I only have the first week off work for half term and want to enjoy it. In the past hour I have had 4 messages to look at films, shows, skating and swimming for ‘us all’. Me and my DS have plans tomorrow and I feel bad not saying them but I don’t want to spend every trip stressed. I tried to explain to DM that foster is her job and she gets paid for that and the level of behaviour this child displays but I don’t and as someone who works in safeguarding I just want a day off from this- hint not taken and messages continue!
AIBU to be blunt to DM and say we don’t want to spend every day with foster kid as is hard work and makes things harder with my SEN DS

OP posts:
Stripycatz · 03/04/2023 18:53

Yanbu. Do your kids like spending time with the fostered child?

Original poster
Mugtattoo86 · 03/04/2023 18:56

They don’t mind her and despite her being rude to most people she never is to them. They struggle at times with DM who constantly talks about foster child and brings every conversation back to them so feel they can’t have a conversation at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugtattoo86 · 03/04/2023 18:58

Both are ok with foster child when not every day. I think it’s more me as due to my job just want my annual leave away from this sort of situation and behaviour to just be me and a mum

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/04/2023 18:59

I agree your mum has to realise this is her job and not yours - I don’t mean that in a harsh way, as clearly fostered child is a child and a person like any other, but she is paid and you are not. If she was a teacher, she couldn’t ask you to come and help teach her class for some days. If she was a surgeon, would she ask you to come and hold the scalpel?

Im sure it’s nice to do things together sometimes but I can understand why all the time is too much.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/04/2023 19:01

I feel the same way about when family members “in the arts” (let’s say) constantly want you to be interested in their work - that’s your job, I don’t ask you to get involved with my (admittedly deathly dull to most people) job.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 03/04/2023 19:02

You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest. It's your annual leave to spend with your DC.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 03/04/2023 19:03

I think you should be straight with your mum, that you want to enjoy some time off with your own kids, and while you are happy to include Foster child on some occasions , it will not be all.

I realise I am reaching a bit here, but is your mum getting to a point where she is ready to give up her fostering role?

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 19:04

You’ve tried dropping hints and they’ve been ignored, so yes, be blunt.

“I don’t enjoy being out with Foster Child, she’s rude and obnoxious and she spoils my leisure time with my DC. You get paid to endure that shit, I don’t, and I want to spend my precious annual leave enjoying some quality time with my own DC, alone“.

Hillrunning · 03/04/2023 19:08

'Happy to do movie on Thursday but all our other days are fully booked.' Or some such. Sounds like your children get on well enough with this child so just work on limiting to reasonable amount of interactions.

Equally you could try 'How about ice skating on Wednesday, I have an appointment so it would be wonderful if you took the kids then. They will love to spend some quality time with you.'

Original poster
Mugtattoo86 · 03/04/2023 19:08

I don’t know if she is getting ready to give up but she does struggle with technology so booking and ordering on internet which solely falls on me constantly.
I know she is just a kid but it’s hard work and stressful going with them and always becomes about FC - which is literally my DM only conversation!

OP posts:
Qwerty111 · 03/04/2023 19:12

“Not this week mum, it’s been such a stressful time at work I can hardly see straight. I can’t tell you how much I need a really quiet chilled week at home with the kids”?

GrumpyPanda · 03/04/2023 19:12

If you're kids don't mind, could they just tag along with DM and foster kid sometimes and you get a break? Win-win.

Favouritefruits · 03/04/2023 19:14

If your kids don’t really mind then I’d kind of meet her in the middle maybe one day out of the holidays but ensuring your not up for anything more.

‘would you like to come to the trampoline park on Wednesday and to McDonalds after, as this is the only time we are free to see you all’

Original poster
Mugtattoo86 · 03/04/2023 19:19

She has never once taken my DC with foster child as hates driving far so wants me to that also. I feel like her PA at times but find it so draining which she doesn’t get despite my job.
DH is also asking me plans for weekend with DS and DSS and what we should do, have I booked anything- I just want to tell everybody to sort there own stuff and leave me alone

OP posts:
Dustybarn · 03/04/2023 19:40

How about this: “Mum, I don’t mind occasionally having x join us but I feel like you want her to be with us all the time, which we do not want. I have tried to explain this to you but I don’t think you really understood how strongly we all feel about this. I am exhausted and just want to spend this holiday with DH and the DC catching up on some family time. I’ll contact you after the holidays and we can arrange a joint outing. Thanks for understanding and let’s speak next week.”

Then ignore her texts.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 03/04/2023 19:40

You need to protect your AL.

Maray1967 · 03/04/2023 19:53

Dustybarn · 03/04/2023 19:40

How about this: “Mum, I don’t mind occasionally having x join us but I feel like you want her to be with us all the time, which we do not want. I have tried to explain this to you but I don’t think you really understood how strongly we all feel about this. I am exhausted and just want to spend this holiday with DH and the DC catching up on some family time. I’ll contact you after the holidays and we can arrange a joint outing. Thanks for understanding and let’s speak next week.”

Then ignore her texts.

Exactly this. Firm but not rude - this is her job and she needs to do it. Or stop doing it if it’s too much for her.

FairFuming · 03/04/2023 19:55

Can you say sorry me and DC are having a family day (just us 3). Or we have plans with friends but are free X day? Maybe suggest she downloads an app and let's FC help her sort bookings? Depending on her age?

Thelnebriati · 03/04/2023 20:02

It sounds like you are fed up of being expected to organise everything; and having to tell both your Mum and your DH to stop going on at you about it probably feels like one more way you have to organise a solution to their problem.

Original poster
Mugtattoo86 · 03/04/2023 20:20

This is probably exactly it. Having to organise, book and plan days to spend with a rude and really hard work child fits to foster child and DSS! Obviously I include foster child in things such as Easter egg hunts, birthdays, Christmas, family events as she is still a child but expensive day trips where she will be rude and embarrassing and ruin my day as well as being unable to ‘switch off’ seems to much constantly and DM just sees it that she gets to spend the day with me and my DS so it’s easier and more enjoyable for foster child as she has children her age but DM has no sense of stress it adds to me

OP posts:
Myotherusernameisshy · 03/04/2023 20:30

You need to be very blunt with your DM. She sounds very selfish. This isn't fair on you or your dc.

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