To ask how you regain trust

[theblue]

Hi

I’ve been married ten years and in the very early part of our relationship when we were very young certain stuff happened that made me lose my trust in him. We got back to together after he came back and promised to be more committed and loyal. In those ten years I often find myself on alert for red flags. Some years back I found out he had been video calling a colleague whilst he was abroad for work (he claimed to be discussing a rough patch we had been in our relationship as she had similar issues to me and swore that nothing was happening between them). A few years later he was abroad for work and a colleague that was interested in him joined him out there and spent the weekend where he was before moving on to the next country (again it set off something in me and I asked again but he swore again that nothing was going on). Last year he went to another city on a Friday night for a summer party and was wanting to stay on Saturday for a brunch (seemed odd to me as in my workplaces weekends are not spent with colleagues and especially when you have spent the night before partying). Every time he assures me that it’s not what I think. Maybe I am unreasonable? I don’t go through his phone and I don’t think these things regularly but if I see something that doesn’t seem right I will say something. I don’t want to be naive but I also know that my trust issues are hard on him. Can anyone help?

Your trust issues are hard on him? He cheated on you, so you don’t trust him and you worry about that being hard for him?!

@Coffeeandchocs I don’t really know. I guess after ten years off this he feels it’s hard on him. I don’t know if that’s reasonable or unreasonable. I think he expected a few years off this sort of stuff and although it has got better in terms of my reaction to anything I feel is a red flag it never completely goes away and he said last year he found himself thinking “it would be so nice to just be trusted”

I think it's really tough. You have every right to feel how you do, but is it worth having a relationship with someone you don't trust?

@barefootgoddess I feel like it is. We do love each other a lot and are good in so many ways. I do think as well as what happened in the past I’m quite cynical about men because cheating seems to be so rude or at least from what I’ve seen it is.

Rife not rude!

I don't think you can

I think you can't trust him because he's showing he can't be trusted. Video calling a colleague is so intimate, I think there is more between them. A colleague flying out to be with him even more intimate!.
This isn't to do with you having trust issues. It's your gut instinct screaming at you to follow it.

I went through a rough patch with my husband and we decided to try again at our relationship and it took years for him to earn my trust back and he really has put the effort in to doing that.

@Topi226 Would you mind sharing what your husband did? I do have access to my husbands phone if I want to but I choose never to look at it. I don’t know what else he could do. If the video call was innocent he probably should have told me beforehand but he says I was too fragile back then and would have taken it the wrong way, which I probably have to accept. He has recently admitted that the colleague who flew in over the weekend to where he was, was very interested in him (according to what other colleagues had told him) but he had no interest in her and has sworn to me that nothing happened.

You are right that it’s my gut instinct but when he tells me I’m wrong I do believe him I think. It’s difficult because he travels a lot for work and there are a lot of socials

If you don’t trust him 10 years after an event to lose trust then you’re not going to. Having said that his recent behaviour doesn’t sound very trust worthy.

You've already endured years of this, this will always be in the back of your mind, he said he'd like to be trusted, but he broke that when he did what he did. It's an awful feeling you have to go through everytime he goes away, can you see yourself honestly being with someone like this for the rest of your life???

@Marchforward I’ve always questioned whether the things that have triggered me are “reasonable” or not. My husband puts my not understanding them down to my lack of experience. I don’t travel much for work, my colleagues socialise but don’t talk about deeply personal stuff, we never have social events on weekends (unless it’s a colleagues wedding) etc. Thats why I’m curious to hear whether it sounds like I’m being unreasonable about the things that make me uncomfortable

@Tothemoonandbackx Yes it is awful but I do love him so much and I find it hard to imagine a life with anyone else

I wouldn't trust him either. That's quite a lot of things.

Some men just can't help themselves.

This.

His behaviour is the direct cause of the issue and, given his on-going behaviour, I wouldn't trust him either. Your instincts are spot on.

Urgh this is hard. I’ve been hoping all this time that I’m just getting upset over nothing because I’ve been hurt and my instincts have been wrong.