To panic that my life is such a mess?

[Fozzia]

My life is a complete and utter mess and I really don’t see a way out of it. I dread every single day and could happily just hide in my bed. Getting out of bed and leaving the house feels like the most difficult thing in the world and all day I have to fight with myself to not leave wherever I am and go straight back to bed. Every time I have a conversation with someone I will massively overthink it afterwards and think that they must all hate me. The anxiety can be so crippling that it’s starting to affect me physically. I don’t eat or drink properly because of it and feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight mode. I can’t concentrate on anything and lose track of everything so easily. I feel like my phone is a massive crutch for me, like I need it in my hand as a distraction pretty much all the time. I can’t ever cope with doing nothing or silence, it doesn’t matter if I’m eating/sleeping/in the shower/doing housework, my phone will either be in my hand or on in the background. My scrolling time must be horrendous.

I work full time and receive help with childcare costs but I never have any money at all. I have less than no money really as I borrow from a relative and then repay when I get paid so it goes round in a vicious circle. There’s no savings, no emergency funds and I constantly feel like I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul. I don’t know if it’s because I just don’t have enough money or if it’s because I’m financially irresponsible. I left home at 16 and have just muddled along since but I seem to be incapable of saving or budgeting properly. I have old historic debt that I ignore as well as more recent stuff. My credit rating is in tatters, I couldn’t get any credit if I tried and I’m pretty sure it’s not fixable now. I don’t even have my own car or mobile phone contract, I use a relatives (which I do always pay for).

I have a council flat and it’s just a mess as well, it’s not filthy or anything but I struggle with constantly trying to keep up with housework, it’s a never ending battle and even if I do keep up with it, everything is old and tatty. Old carpets and couches that cleaning doesn’t help much with anymore, very old woodwork that looks so run down. I never have the money to do much to it and I feel so embarrassed that it’s not the nice home I want it to be.

I hate the way I look, I’ve never liked how I look but recently I can barely look in the mirror. I’ve started noticeably aging in the past few years and I look so much worse already. I have barely any clothes, I wear the same ugly, basic things day in day out. There’s so much I would love to change but it all takes money and time at the gym etc. I spent a lot of money that I don’t have earlier this month on make up and skincare to try and make myself feel better. I felt better for 5 minutes and that was it plus I still look like shit - I feel disgusting. I know it’s stupid and vain but it affects me so much, I can’t even look people in the eye when I’m talking to them, my confidence is that low.

I’ve got barely any sense of routine, I’m never on time for anything, my sense of time keeping is horrific. DS is regularly late for school, I’m regularly late for work, mornings just basically give me a panic attack. I genuinely can’t seem to come to grasp with how long things will take or how much time has passed etc. Then I worry even more about how much people must hate me and the consequences of being late all the time. I just always feel like I’m so behind and unorganized with everything.

I struggle to even think about food shopping and cooking and basic day to day things. I forget when to eat, I forget when to drink or even go for a pee sometimes. Even as I’m writing this my mind keeps drifting off to la la land which makes me feel even more useless. It feels like every muscle in my body is constantly tense to the point where I feel sore all the time, I just can’t relax at all. It honestly feels like my head might explode or my heart might just give out sometimes. I can’t even really explain the feeling I have, it’s almost like crawling in my own skin or being stuck.

I’m single as well and have been for the past 2 years. I haven’t really tried dating but in my head, I think I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life now which part of me is okay with and part of me is really sad about. I just don’t see how anyone would ever want to be with me - I certainly wouldn’t want to be with me.

I just absolutely detest myself. I hate everything about myself inside and out and almost everything about my life (apart from DS, my dog and I have some good friends). I keep looking for quick fixes to make my life better or make myself feel better but nothing seems to work. It’s like there’s no way forward and I just have to struggle through until it’s over. I can’t talk about this in real life as I seem to manage to keep most of it all hidden to everyone else, god knows how. I’m cheery and chatty and helpful when inside I’m literally screaming. I just want to hide from the world so much of the time.

I’m so sorry for the long post and if you’ve managed to listen to my whining for so long then thank you. I just had to get it out as I sit here at work smiling whilst feeling like I’m crawling in my own skin.

GP. Go and get some treatment.

Wishing you all the best.

I don't think that this is your fault OP. It all sounds very difficult and overwhelming, and I think you need some help & kindness to get you on track. Have you spoken to your GP?

Definitely see your gp! You sound as though you have depression and anxiety. Also, I'm no expert, but your time-keeping problems sound like possible undiagnosed adhd.

In the meantime, try picking one little thing to work on for now. A really basic, relaxing beginners' yoga routine on You Tube might help with the physical and mental tension.

Sounds like it's potentially adhd

Go and see your GP. You sound in the grip of anxiety. I would also potentially consider adhd.

Sending huge hugs, you sound really overwhelmed with your carry on and I wholeheartedly think anybody would be to be entirely honest! You’ve been up against it and I’m sure you’re doing the best you can. I would echo reaching out to your GP. I hope things get better OP.

Wow, no wonder your mind keeps wandering as you are on such high alert at all times. You must be shattered. As others have said see the GP, maybe some sertraline or similar med will help ease your anxiety/over thinking. You could also self refer for "Talk Therapy" CBT on the NHS - might give you a few techniques to use.

I can relate to a lot of what you say OP and I'm currently on the waiting list for ADHD assessment (it's been a year actually 🧐). My life is a mess, I'm currently wondering how the fuck I'm going to make it to pay day with my DH and son both having April birthdays, massively overdrawn, massively in debt, house is total chaos, it sucks but there is help out there. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and the world is a better place for having you in it.

You just wrote the book on ADHD! Go see the GP and get treated.

I thought ADHD but wasn't sure whether to say it! Please get some help OP

Immediately thought ADHD. Stop beating yourself up as this a definite difficulty that is not your fault. In spite of it you have managed to get a job, get a home and raise your dc. Think of what you could do with some help.
One of my adult dcs has ADHD and since they went on medication they don't know themselves. Their concentration around work is amazing after years of changing jobs constantly. There is help. Start with your GP and read up on ADHD and see people talking about it Ticktock
My dc was welded to the phone too!

Go see GP, this sounds like an anxiety disorder and depression. How you look and how tidy your house is don’t matter at all. Having lots of £ in savings doesn’t matter. Your focus needs to be on health first.

Definitely seek help from your GP. You can also self refer to time to talk to have an assessment for therapy. There's also lots of charities like mind etc to seek support from. Please try not to feel on your own, help is out there. The hardest step is the first step. You said you have good friends, is there anyone you could talk to and help support you with how your feeling or with seeking support from any of the above? As low as you feel, you are still doing the things you need to even though you'd feel more secure being in bed, that shows alot of strength in you!

The GP may be able to help but it's likely to not be a quick process so is there anything you can do to make small gradual improvements to help you feel more in control?

• Mornings, could you sit now and set up some recurring alarms on your phone. One to wake you up, one that tells you it's time to get everyone dressed, one that tells you it's time to get shoes and coats on because you need to be out the door in 5 mins.

• Home decor. Some councils run paint recycling schemes where they collect open but still good cans of paint and you can take what you need. There are also furniture recycling schemes where you may be able to find some nice stuff to start changing out the bits you don't like.

• debt and budgeting. Can you contact step change and get some help with going through your income, expenses and debts and seeing if there's anything you can do to give yourself a bit more financial breathing room.

You do not have to do all these things at once. Pick one issue and make a change. Then pick another and start to work through them at a pace you can cope with.

Could you be peri menopausal? The anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, fatigue, etc all can be symptoms. Might be worth a chat with your GP.
Pick one thing to work on. I would start with the timekeeping. Get everything ready for the morning as much as you can eg clothes/packed lunch etc. On a morning, have an alarm clock in the kitchen set for 5 mins before you need to leave to be on time. When it goes off, regardless of what you’re doing, put everything down and you and child put shoes on, grab coat and leave the house. When you have started the day without stress it’s a good start.
Try to think of 5 things a day you are thankful for. You have mentioned your child, your dog and your friends- there’s 3 right there. Good luck. 🌷

This post for me sounds so familiar reminds me of my inner voice at my work. I have been destroyed by anxiety, screaming on the inside just trying not to have a panic attack. I am so sorry you are going through this op.

Please see a GP, be raw and honest let all these thoughts out.

It may sound really silly, but for me at my worst, it helped to try and focus on the positive small things. Literally whatever made me feel good, and even if that was for 15 seconds, like drinking a tea, fav TV show, nice sleep, talking to my sis, watching the sun set, going for a walk - grab any moments of calm and tell yourself it's going to be okay, sending love

I meant inner voice at my worst*

My 19 year old daughter has ADHD, and I'm 99.9% sure my husband has it too, and what you've written, OP, describes them both to a tee.
The anxiety and overwhelm, and feeling like everything's awful but not knowing how to change of where to start, are all symptoms. I'm guessing that if you left home at 16, something was going on in your life that led to that - are you able to say what that was? How did you manage at school - did you struggle with homework deadlines? Focus?

It sounds like typical ADHD for starters. I'd go and speak to your GP. Addressing your mental health will help you to go on to address the many things you can do to improve your life. I wish you well