Rubbish friend? Or is it me? Trigger warning: childhood cancer

[Iom92]

My child has cancer. It is treatable but it’s going to be a long, hard slog. We found out last year and in that time I’ve seen my best friend once. They haven’t seen my child at all. We live near to one another and there’s no reason (that I can think of) for us not to have met up in that time. Other than, prior to this, I am/was ALWAYS the one to arrange catch-ups/play dates/nights out etc. If I didn’t organise it, no one else did. And since the cancer diagnosis I’ve understandably had other things on my mind. I feel exhausted, lonely and like I’m losing myself as “carer”. I’d love my friend to text and say, “fancy a coffee/walk/wine”, anything! But nope, it hasn’t happened. AIBU in feeling hurt and let down?

That is really shit of her, no excuses.

Has she got kids herself?

I think as she already had form for not organising anything then she wasn't going to change. She's not a good friend by any stretch of the imagination.

YANBU at all to feel hurt and let down. No advice - but sending you a huge hug.

That’s awful. I had a friend like this, it was always me that had to text and even when I did I would sometimes not get a reply. never asked about my kids or me really. We lived together at one point and were so close. My last 2 texts (few month’s i between) went unread and unanswered. I haven’t bothered anymore. Quite hurtful but the friendship was clearly over.
I would just leave it. Friendship should be 2 ways and shouldn’t leave you feeling like that.

Dealbreaker.

I'm so sorry OP.

My DH had a long struggle with cancer and needed a lot of care at home (bedbound and dependent on personal care).

I'm afraid it really is true that you find out who your friends are in times like these. I found my "best" friends drifted off but some "acquaintances" really came up trumps.

I've wondered (in particularly charitable moments) since if it's because you aren't the same, the friendship dynamic has changed, whereas people you knew less well "before" have less change to deal with iyswim.

It's not an excuse but she possibly doesn't know how to cope with this situation. If you were the one who used to do all the arranging she maybe thinks you are too busy or too upset to see her. Maybe before giving up on the friendship explain how you feel like you have done here?

She’s not your friend, sorry. I can’t even imagine letting any friend of mine go through what you are dealing with without me being there for them.

I remember when I was being treated for breast cancer DH’s supposed best friend disappeared into thin air! I didn’t need him, but I wanted him to support Dh.

She does have kids herself. She texts every 1-2 weeks, but that’s it. My DH thinks it’s terrible. I agree, I suppose I just needed to hear it from other people.

This. She might actually think you're not available or don't want to confide in her if you were the one to contact before and now out of touch. Maybe she thinks you have lots of friends. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could just text and let her know that you really need a coffee and somebody to talk to? Maybe she's waiting for you.

Some people just don’t know how to handle these situations and don’t want to think about something so scary, even if it is happening to someone else.

This is of course bullshit behaviour. A good friend will come and look you in the eye and help you carry the strain, not avoid you (unless there is a very good reason).

I’m sorry your friend has let you down so much. I would hold in mind that saying ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’.

My daughter also had cancer - doing well now but treatment is such an incredibly hard time.
All I can say is that you find out who your friends are - some of mine really stepped up, others melted into the background. I didn’t really care if they found it hard to cope with her diagnosis - I did too but I didn’t have any choice. I have got several really good friends from within the cancer mum community now and that’s helped.
Sending you lots of love and I’m so sorry this has happened.

I’m so sorry OP.
I think some people, when others face difficult situations, just don’t know how to respond or act or how to actually be helpful. So they just do nothing. She may even think she’s giving you space and that’s what you need. It’s shit, she is letting you down.

Yes she's awful. Sadly these things show you who your friends are.
Wishing your DC and you the very best.

Yes! You’ve hit the nail on the head with this. I don’t want to be blunt, but I don’t care if she’s finding it hard. I’M finding it hard and I need support!

🙄
Yeah, the childfree are notorious cunts about childhood cancers.
Simply can't be arsed to empathise with it, so prefer to withdraw themselves from longterm friendships rather than offer support.
This is true of every single human who has not experienced parenthood.

It was really hard to know how to support my sister when she was going through this with her DS.

Dropping a text seemed completely inadequate, but she had so much on her plate, she didn't have time for anything else. When I did call her she spent the time complaining about how our mum was calling too often and how because of concerned friends their phone never stopped ringing. It's hard to do "enough" without intruding.

Speak to her and tell her what you need. She's no doubt done the "you know where I am" thing. Take her at her word.

Sorry to hear about your child’s illness. Unfortunately some people can only give what they can give. To her, being a friend to you is sending the odd text once or twice a month. I have similar friendships.

If you want more than that you could say ‘hey are you free to share a bottle of wine with me at the pub on Friday?’ and see what she says. She might’ve been too afraid to suggest it herself. If she isn’t up for more, you’ll just have to accept that she is limited in terms of her friendship to you. You may even decide she isn’t much of a friend and let it go.

How good a friend was she before this? Apart from the organising of events? If she offered a lot to your well-being I might text her and say that you know you used to always be in touch about organising and that you would love to her, would she be able to organise. It might be she thinks if you're not messaging or in touch with her then she's intruding.

@KettrickenSmiled Touchy. It' a fair question. I'm child free. No need to get your knickers in a twist.