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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making my son homeless

34 replies

isthisreallyit70 · 03/04/2023 04:37

It's got to the point me and my wife can't trust him anymore.

He has stole everything he can find In The house to sell and he can't stop.

There's a huge back story to it too which I may drip feed when feeling up to it

What are peoples experiences of declaring your child homeless

He's 18

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 03/04/2023 04:38

How old is he?

Danikm151 · 03/04/2023 04:41

You can’t really declare him as homeless, at 18 he’s an adult and would have to seek help himself. Be that a homeless charity or the council.
Have you given him an ultimatum?

Original poster
isthisreallyit70 · 03/04/2023 04:42

He's going to the council tomorrow to do so. Hoping adult social services also pick him up as they've refused to give us help but hes vulnerable

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 03/04/2023 04:44

Tough love is the only way.
He needs intervention. Can he go to rehab?
Seek help for yourselves and a support group might give you very good advice.

EDelafield · 03/04/2023 05:01

How old is he?

Confused
MichelleScarn · 03/04/2023 06:12

EDelafield · 03/04/2023 05:01

How old is he?

Confused

I keep getting huge white spaces blocking off part of posts! 😣 it did this for ages a while ago! Sorry @isthisreallyit70 !

thegrain · 03/04/2023 06:14

You just have to boot him out tbh. As long as he's living with you the council won't care. That and he's a man on his own so they won't prioritise him.

GoodChat · 03/04/2023 06:14

Have you asked him to leave? He can't declare himself homeless if he's not, or at least hasn't been given notice of when he will be.

Phoebo · 03/04/2023 06:15

Sounds like you need to let him go, be cruel to be kind and hopefully he will sort himself out. I'm sorry to hear you are having these difficulties

Believeitornot · 03/04/2023 06:21

He’s vulnerable??

well something has gone wrong and it’s not all on him.

Bear in mine adult social services are screwed so it may take time.

Chickmad · 03/04/2023 06:28

Can you see if they have any Youth Intervention services locally? Sometimes they take up to age 25 and have shared supervised accommodation for them.

Otherwise you have to brace yourself for actually kicking him out.. which will probably result in him being in a hostel.

I feel for you. We had to make a similar decision with our eldest 5 years ago as the other DCs were at risk from his behaviour.

I still agonise over the decision I made to this day, despite it being the only course of action left for us to take as we had tried everything else.

C1N1C · 03/04/2023 06:48

Guessing an addiction of some sort like gambling or drugs at play here.

It's a tricky one as if he'll steal from you, he'll steal from anyone. If he steals from the wrong people he'll either end up hurt or in prison.. and if you give him even greater reason to steal, I.e. he needs money for somewhere to live or for food, that'll happen quicker.

Counselling/rehab is the only way to go but these are costly and he must want to do it, and you'll probably end up paying. Otherwise, are you comfortable with the above likelihood? OK, sure, he might turn himself around, but if he's sunk low enough to routinely steal from family, he's probably got lower depths...

Brieandme · 03/04/2023 06:52

I can understand your rationale, but you would need to be prepared that he might not receive any help and be pushed into street homelessness or sofa surfing. The definition of 'vulnerable' to qualify for housing as a single person is very very limited. In our area there are no hostels or other accommodation that an 18yrv old could get voluntarily, they'd be given the number of direct access hostels in the nearest city and told to find a friend to stay with or try getting in there. The direct access hostels are poor, they're meant to offer support but in reality they don't and they're pretty grim. The residents rarely get enough priority to secure any kind of permanent housing.

dimpleton · 03/04/2023 07:19

Can you see if they have any Youth Intervention services locally? Sometimes they take up to age 25 and have shared supervised accommodation for them.

I wouldn't recommend that route. I realise it can vary by area but a member of my family ended up in one of those "supervised" houses and is in a way worse situation now ( been introduced to drugs, is in a gang, carries a knife) and it's only a matter of time before he ends up dead or in prison.

Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 07:23

is he working?

mamnotmum · 03/04/2023 07:38

It's so so hard.

Not the same situation but very similar previously. We have given our ultimatum and will be removing dds key if our rules aren't stuck to (they aren't hard rules - just things like go to your job, don't break the law ..... basic things!)

I'm dreading the day we have to actually do it but you've got to think about your own mental health as well as theirs. I think he needs to speak to the council initially and see what they suggest.

Aimsrebeccax · 02/08/2023 11:25

Not gonna lie I think your disgusting if you put your child on the street how about trying to talk to your child and find out why there stealing from you, how about getting them help instead of making them homeless I really hope you can sleep at night if you do that you ain't a parent sorry but you really ain't

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/08/2023 11:29

Aimsrebeccax · Today 11:25
Not gonna lie I think your disgusting if you put your child on the street how about trying to talk to your child and find out why there stealing from you, how about getting them help instead of making them homeless I really hope you can sleep at night if you do that you ain't a parent sorry but you really ain't”

You really don’t believe that OP has done all of that?
Sometimes, the only way to help someone is to force them to take responsibility for themselves.

villamariavintrapp · 02/08/2023 11:31

@Aimsrebeccax thank god you're here, 5 months on, to help!

OhBanana · 02/08/2023 11:34

My parents kicked out my eldest brother for the same reasons. Stealing, in his case for drugs. Sadly it ended in the worst way. I’m not saying this to scare you but please please make sure you totally understand what you are sending him into and what help he can get before you go down this route. I know it’s hard to live with but I promise it’s harder to live without them.

Aimsrebeccax · 02/08/2023 11:42

Dont need the sarcasm I've seen this situation my boyfriends mum put him on the street because she wont leave an abusive man, its selfish he now has pycosis from this and other issues it's just pure and utter selfish

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/08/2023 11:48

Aimsrebeccax · Today 11:42
Dont need the sarcasm I've seen this situation my boyfriends mum put him on the street because she wont leave an abusive man, its selfish he now has pycosis from this and other issues it's just pure and utter selfish”

With respect, OP’s situation sounds entirely different. His son is abusive.

Original poster
isthisreallyit70 · 07/08/2023 19:29

Sooooo. To clear things up. He was wanting to make himself homeless. He made the choice , he has severe learning difficulties , but sw have treat him as an adult. He didn’t want to stay with us anymore and I spent ages trying to disuade him, telling him to stay, it was a mistake etc , but he still wanted to do as he didn’t like our rules (not stealing)

in the 5 months he’s gone , he’s had an asbo, been arrested multiple time, and is now in his first court appearance next week. We kept him away from trouble for 14 years and within 2 days of leaving it went wrong. He got evicted from his new place and currently is living with family whilst ss try to find him someone new. We are loving a nightmare but due to his difficulties he will continue to do these things without professional support, he won’t accept our help anymore apart from accommodation and money. We asked social services back in feb for help but the my told us he needs to just grow up. He has an iq of 62 which puts him lower than forest gump , his Ed psych report puts him at best at 11 years old but mainly around 7 years old. , but until ss finish their own assessment he is an adult who is making his own wrong choices and he needs to change his ways. All the reports and help we’ve done over the last 14 years count for nothing. He is drowning in his own issues , just today we had a call from the police asking where he is , as he anonymously reported himself missing. He calls ambulances on himself, does to a&e about twice a week with no illness, has called police for help, but he is still an adult. It’s ridiculous .

OP posts:
CatsSnore · 07/08/2023 19:38

You would have been better off signing him into care at 16/17 so he would have had SS support with housing etc.

He will probably be placed in a supported housing/young people's hostel type of place on a two year licence agreement. They will help him sort out benefits and he will have key work sessions to work out what he wants to do and where he wants to go after. He may get social housing after but it's not guaranteed as he is an adult and not a child.

I don't blame you for kicking him out. Hopefully the couple of years of more intensive support will help him.

CatsSnore · 07/08/2023 19:40

I'm confused after your update.

Has your son spent time being looked after?
What type of social worker has he had/got? Has he got two including a disability social worker?
What housing was he evicted from?