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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad and maybe angry about not being married

23 replies

Frecklespot · 03/04/2023 00:24

After being single for a while I’ve met a lovely man. We are older and he has been married before

We’ve been talking about marriage and weddings and it’s stirred up surprising feelings 😭

For some reason after all these years, I feel lacking because I haven’t been married or essentially ‘chosen’. That I’ve let my family down for not having the big happy day, the time to celebrate

I’ve never felt this way before, never wanted a man to determine my life. I feel angry in myself for even thinking this, especially as so many people get divorced anyway.

I think I must be jealous or bitter that no one wanted me. My bf had a big wedding with loads of guests and fuss. I’m not sure why that matters when it ended after a few years in an affair and divorce?

Any words to help me through this? I feel so sad and lost at the moment

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2023 00:28

I don't have any advice except to say, it's ok to have these feelings. They're your feelings, they're valid. Instead of burying yourself in your anger, let it all out so you can see what's underneath.

Is marriage something your family is very big on, is there a narrative of it defining how lined you are?
Is it the marriage or the stuff that comes with it - long term commitment, possibly children, someone on your side through all the crap? Do you feel that there hasn't been enough love and support sent your way over the years?

We're you talking about marriage generally or as something for you both in the future?

BlueJellycat · 03/04/2023 00:29

I think regrets and fears of missing out are normal and valid. But on the flip side everything can have a positive. No forking out thousands for a party, no costly divorce... you could still have a weeding or big celebration day without marriage. I'm sure your family don't feel that way either.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/04/2023 00:30

Why do you feel the need to be ‘married’?

Original poster

Frecklespot · 03/04/2023 00:41

Thank you for being kind.

Part of me feels weddings are ridiculous when so many people I know are unhappy or get divorced. As though it’s kind of farcical. But at the same time it’s like I’m railing against something I don’t feel good enough to have.

It must be jealousy and bitterness - very unattractive 😢

@SleepingStandingUp I was talking to my bf about it and he said I sounded bitter. I’m not sure that’s the right place to let out my anger

OP posts:

Original poster

Frecklespot · 03/04/2023 00:43

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy maybe societal pressure? Even if retrospective?

OP posts:

TheCentreSlide · 03/04/2023 00:44

So this supposedly lovely new man told you you sounded bitter? Or do you mean best friend by bf?

Hawkins003 · 03/04/2023 00:47

@Frecklespot my ex got married and low and behold the partner, shall we say has been silver tongue talking and has been and is having an affair.
So overall I wouldn't place much faith in marriage.

That said, I can understand your perspectives, you'll get there op.

Original poster

Frecklespot · 03/04/2023 00:51

@TheCentreSlide It was my boyfriend in response to me saying I sound bitter, he said yes you do a bit. He doesn’t understand why I feel this way. He thinks it’s better to have been single than have a broken marriage.

OP posts:

Hopehelps · 03/04/2023 01:20

Don’t give yourself a hard time about this. I think you’re having very valid feelings. Feeling that you haven’t been ‘chosen’ is not ridiculous - it’s a valid feeling and it’s coming from somewhere and you sound thoughtful and capable of honest reflection for voicing it. If you look at it like this : in modern culture there are very few rituals left and besides we hear a lot about weddings and all that goes with them. Your ex had a big wedding and you didn’t (divorce or not). That could well feel a bit painful. And I say that as someone who had the opposite feeling about marriage. The idea gave me the horrors but I (late in the day!) eventually did get married. I found it so ‘confronting’ I cried the entire way through! Try to look at the tricky feelings and Continue to do aa you’re doing and try and be honest about where these feelings come from and focus on the quality of your relationship. If you would like one day to have a wedding you are allowed to have one! But it is probably the least important bit of being ‘chosen’. 😉
Being asked is nice but for me being ‘chosen’ happens in those tiny events that happen in a myriad of ways that go together to make up a good marriage

TheCentreSlide · 03/04/2023 01:32

Hmm I don’t love that he called you that. You don’t sound bitter, you’re just processing some emotions about this stuff.

Elieza · 03/04/2023 01:44

I’ve convinced myself over many many years that I never wanted it. And that’s ok as I hadn’t met mr right.

However if I look deep into my soul, there is part of me that wishes I had the white wedding and the nice house and 2.5 children and a dog. Like a good few if my friends have.

Yet there’s another part that says I’m better off as I am as I’d have been paying off wedding debt for years and stuck with a guy I didn’t love swithering over whether to leave him and ruin the children lives or not….

Sometimes life isn’t fair and I’m allowed to grieve for what might have been. While still being mostly happy with my lot. By the time I get a wedding dress I will look like mutton dressed as lamb. Sigh. Perhaps in the next life it’ll be my turn to meet the right guy and be happy at an early age…

Fortheloveofus · 03/04/2023 02:19

I'm an older woman who has never been married or had kids and I feel regret and sad. It seem in my late teens and up to age 30 I felt like I was a starter kit for 3 serious ( or what I thought were serious) BFs,and when the 3 relationships ended, they were all married and having kids within a year or two with someone else. That made me feel as if I was only good enough for the initial good times, dating bit but not good enough for long-term marriage, be the mother of my child bit.
In fact, two of them I did make a commitment to, one I was engaged to and other I moved in with, both cheated on me. I then went on not to date at all for around 12years. My self-esteem was shattered and the thought of rejection and heartbreak stopped me even thinking of it.
Then starting to date again my early 40s was daunting, unfamiliar and scary. After a few years i did meet someone and I've been with him for 6 years now. I love him very much but even though we talk about moving in together or getting married, it's never happened. I think about a wedding at my age being ridiculous and think I could never have the wedding or the dress I would have wanted back then, that I'm not worth all the fuss, attention and expense of a 'normal' wedding, that I'd look like mutton dressed as lamb. I regret I'll never get the romantic proposal i would have loved (yeah, I know it's 2023 and I'm not being a right on feminist to say this is what I would have liked and maybe still do. It's a fact so get over it).
But saddest of all and my biggest regret is that I'll never be able to have children now.
I'm too scared to make amyncommitment for fear it'll all go wrong again so I keep him at arms length.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/04/2023 02:50

I think, as lovely as your partner may be, that you just are not on the same page. You don't feel settled and he is content as is. I think you've settled because you felt you were running out of time to find someone and deep inside you thought he'd change his mind about marriage, or that over time it wouldn't matter to you anymore. There is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding and having a special day with all eyes on you. I think you need to do some serious soul searching. Evaluate the relationship. Is the grass really greener and is it worth finding out? 💖

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2023 02:57

You're allowed to have feelings, op. Even ones that to you seem petty and nonsensical. It's also ok to feel bitter sometimes and even sorry for yourself. In the future, your feelings may change, but you definitely need to be kind to yourself in the meantime. I wish you the best in this new relationship.

Avarua2 · 03/04/2023 02:57

I get it. It's very romantic to think that someone out there thinks - at least once - out of every available woman in the world, I choose you. It's good for the ego to feel chosen. It's less good for the ego to feel like you're just someone that's there at a convenient time. A warm body, that's all.

Avarua2 · 03/04/2023 02:58

He can publicly declare his love to you, if that's what you need, without getting legally married btw

Number24Bus · 03/04/2023 03:03

You don't sound bitter to me OP. Your life hasn't turned out the way you expected and wanted it to. Who is he to say that the things you expected and wanted weren't the "right" things and your actual situation is "better"? He's trying to impose his thoughts and preferences rather than accepting that yours are different but equally valid.

snitzelvoncrumb · 03/04/2023 03:17

Your feelings are valid. You have probably celebrated many friends weddings and engagements and dreamed of it being your turn. You want to know you are that very special person to someone.
From your post I assume he doesn’t want to marry again. It’s good that he knows how you feel. I’m sure you know that getting married doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after, and if you are both happy that is what is important. If it really means that much to you, then move on. Give yourself a chance to meet someone that does want to marry, otherwise I think you just have to accept it. But remember it is more about timing than you personally. You may be his special someone, but without the ring, you just met a bit later. One thing I will suggest is when you have a milestone birthday throw yourself a party, buy a special dress, and get your hair done. Celebrate yourself because you are amazing, and don’t need a man to validate that!

ArmitageShanked · 03/04/2023 03:17

I used to - especially as DDs dad was previously married.

Now I thank my lucky stars that I'm not and never will be!

Guavafish1 · 03/04/2023 03:26

I understand why you feel like this, you don't sound bitter. You're partner is not very understanding or sympathetic to your feelings. Maybe because his marriage end in divorce.

RNBrie · 03/04/2023 03:55

I think you've had a really normal reaction. Women are told from the second they start watching Disney films (if not before) that finding a husband is what validates us.

My friend got engaged in her 50s and her mother cried, sobbed in fact, that she was so relieved that her daughter was finally getting married.

I would try not to worry about it too much, you feel how you feel and that's fine. Blame society and the patriarchy because really there is nothing wrong with how you've lived your life or who you are.

Original poster

Frecklespot · 03/04/2023 07:34

I might have given the wrong impression on my partner. He does want to get married - to me! This was the conversation that brought up the feelings. Maybe it’s because he’s done it before, he already chose someone and did all the romantic stuff

OP posts:

Phoebo · 03/04/2023 07:36

RNBrie · 03/04/2023 03:55

I think you've had a really normal reaction. Women are told from the second they start watching Disney films (if not before) that finding a husband is what validates us.

My friend got engaged in her 50s and her mother cried, sobbed in fact, that she was so relieved that her daughter was finally getting married.

Agree with this, blame society we've all been brainwashed! Luckily I think there is a new generation who feel differently.

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