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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Siblings physically fighting

21 replies

GreenTiger12345 · 02/04/2023 22:47

First off, wasn't sure what topic to put under so did AIBU.

I have 5 DC - DS17, DS15, DS14, DS12, DD10. Today my DS17 got into a physical fight with DS15.

DD10 & DS15 were arguing and DD lightly slapped DS arm (it was more lighthearted than violent). DS hit her back a lot harder on the arm. She started whining and he ended up shoving her away from him. But she tripped over and whacked her head and her arm and started balling. Her head is ok but her arm immediately looked like it would bruise.

DS17 heard DD crying and rushed to pick her up. She 'told' him what happened (I imagine she exaggerated). DS17 then got angry with DS15 for hurting DD (DS17 is very much a protector of DD). From what I understand DS15 wouldn't apologise to DD and my 2 DS got into blows with each other.

DS17 is a lot bigger so looked no worse for wear. DS15 has a bleeding nose and bruised arm. DS17 is refusing to apologise saying DS15 'should never hit a girl' and that they were supposed to protect DD and not hurt her.

I have grounded both DS for 2 weeks and taken phone, xbox etc.

But DS15 is saying its not fair as he didnt mean to hurt DD - it was an accident. And that he barely hit DS17 and all he was doing was 'self-defence'.

DS17 is saying he shouldn't be punished at all as he was sticking up for his sister and she is the most important. I do worry for him as his sister seems to be his entire world. He is very protective, makes sure she does her homework, has eaten, plays with her dolls with her etc. I almost fear he is acting too much like a dad as they don't live with theirs.

Their dad (who they see once a month & who DS14 phoned) thinks its unreasonable DS17 is being punished as well as just sticking up for his sister.

I don't know what to do and who to punish? I know they both need to be punished but should I punish them to the same extent? HELP!!

Also sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
SalmonEile · 02/04/2023 23:02

I think giving them both the same punishment is fine ,
they both have their reasons for acting the way they did but behaving like that will wind up with them in prison and I would tell them that.
DS15 should’ve walked away from DD
DS17 should’ve told you what was happening and let you decide the “punishment” for DS15 and not take it upon himself to discipline him

Original poster
GreenTiger12345 · 02/04/2023 23:06

SalmonEile · 02/04/2023 23:02

I think giving them both the same punishment is fine ,
they both have their reasons for acting the way they did but behaving like that will wind up with them in prison and I would tell them that.
DS15 should’ve walked away from DD
DS17 should’ve told you what was happening and let you decide the “punishment” for DS15 and not take it upon himself to discipline him

I have had a very strong word with all my DS since about this.

DS17 admits he shouldn't have hit DS15. But he did say he would always protect DD and if a bf or someone ever hurt her he would hurt them back. He almost seems to rally DS15 and DS14 with him and they all agreed which worried me.

I explained you can love and protect DD without going to prison!!

On the other hand I am grateful all 4 of them have a good relationship with her and they all love each other. I recognise I am very fortunate for that.

OP posts:
weighthelp · 02/04/2023 23:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons

macncheeeesey · 02/04/2023 23:20

I'd punish both but DS15 would be more harshly punished as he started it and hit a girl - a 10 year old at that.

Ponoka7 · 02/04/2023 23:26

What if your DD had sustained a more serious head injury? Would you have told the truth at the hospital and what do you think the reaction would be? The hitting has got to stop. Your DD should be keeping her hands to herself, as well as the lads. Your DS's need to protect her could become smothering and dangerous, that needs nipping in the bud. I think that the punishment stands and you assert yourself more.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 02/04/2023 23:31

Take a breath op you are right to treat it exactly as you did.

My ds1 and 2 had a fight when 15/14 as the 14 year old was a pain. Ling story dds 4 tried to stop/mmm egg on!!

Dh pulled them apart and honestly we were furious with them. Ds 2 had a bloody nose.

Now all best of mates and we laugh about it as a family. Treat it seriously but they sound perfectly normal to me.

Original poster
GreenTiger12345 · 02/04/2023 23:34

Ponoka7 · 02/04/2023 23:26

What if your DD had sustained a more serious head injury? Would you have told the truth at the hospital and what do you think the reaction would be? The hitting has got to stop. Your DD should be keeping her hands to herself, as well as the lads. Your DS's need to protect her could become smothering and dangerous, that needs nipping in the bud. I think that the punishment stands and you assert yourself more.

They normally get on very well so this has completely shocked me! I did have a very strong word with them (which did include me being furious in my head!)

DS17 and DD have the best relationship and she loves the attention he gives her when he plays with her toys etc. I can see that it could become smothering as she gets older but dangerous?! What could be dangerous about a close sibling bond?

OP posts:
TomeTome · 02/04/2023 23:41

Dd needs to apologise for hitting ds 15 and recognise she has caused a lot of trouble. As lovely as you think it is they defend her where is her obligation to keep them safe?
Nobody should be hitting anyone.
Nobody should be bleeding.
Your oldest son shouldn’t be parenting anyone.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 02/04/2023 23:42

Omg!!!!

Smothering and dangerous???

Christ honestly ignore shite like this op your sons sound absolutely normal unlike some posters. My dds loved having older bros and still do.

CheezePleeze · 02/04/2023 23:48

I think the punishment is fair but you need to have a word with your DS17 about toxic masculinity.

Why does he feel the need to protect his female sibling whilst happily knocking his male sibling about and making him bleed?

And your DD needs to learn to keep her hands to herself also.

Awful situation all round really.

CheezePleeze · 02/04/2023 23:49

TomeTome · 02/04/2023 23:41

Dd needs to apologise for hitting ds 15 and recognise she has caused a lot of trouble. As lovely as you think it is they defend her where is her obligation to keep them safe?
Nobody should be hitting anyone.
Nobody should be bleeding.
Your oldest son shouldn’t be parenting anyone.

Very well put 👏

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 03/04/2023 00:04

'Awful situation all round really?'

Says someone who has never yet dealt with teenagers or if they have made a bloody mess of it.

Op keep in there your lads sound completely normal. Keep taking keep supporting and keep your sense of humour and proportion.

The fact you are all taking/evaluating/communicating and apologising is great.

Mumsnet is a mad place sometimes.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 03/04/2023 00:12

Yes, I agree. Dd needs talking to too. She started it by the ‘lighthearted’ slap on the arm. She may have had a tumble after, but don’t forget she was in the melee too.

Pixiedust1234 · 03/04/2023 00:20

Both their punishments are fine.

A group meeting emphasing that any physical violence is NOT acceptable, and they need to sort out disagreements without shouting as it tends to escalate to violence.

DD needs to keep her hands to herself and stay out of their arguments. I speak as a girl with 3 older brothers. My mother used to say that if I got involved with their arguments then it was tough if I got hurt as I should have involved an adult if it was that bad.

Original poster
GreenTiger12345 · 03/04/2023 11:59

Pixiedust1234 · 03/04/2023 00:20

Both their punishments are fine.

A group meeting emphasing that any physical violence is NOT acceptable, and they need to sort out disagreements without shouting as it tends to escalate to violence.

DD needs to keep her hands to herself and stay out of their arguments. I speak as a girl with 3 older brothers. My mother used to say that if I got involved with their arguments then it was tough if I got hurt as I should have involved an adult if it was that bad.

Thank you for all of your advice.

I didn't mention but should have that DD was also punished - same as DS but one week grounding. She is not normally physical at all, so it shocked me what she did but we have had a chat about it. DS17 and DS15 also told her that she shouldn't hit or she would get hit back by people a lot harder than they have ever play hit her.

I am generally pleased with how it all settled out. All the DC have made up again, DS gave DD big hugs and was genuinely quite upset that he hurt her. DD was distraught that she had caused her brothers get hurt. They all agreed they were wrong etc. so I am happy.

OP posts:
Xjshdvf · 03/04/2023 12:04

Yes punish both boys the same; it doesn’t matter why either did it, neither should be fighting. But also what about your DD; she started all this and she shouldn’t hit either. Sometimes I think the youngest get away with a lot because they are so much smaller yet they instigate it (I say that as the youngest one who would do that and play on being smaller to get out of trouble)

Ponoka7 · 03/04/2023 17:45

GreenTiger12345 · 02/04/2023 23:34

They normally get on very well so this has completely shocked me! I did have a very strong word with them (which did include me being furious in my head!)

DS17 and DD have the best relationship and she loves the attention he gives her when he plays with her toys etc. I can see that it could become smothering as she gets older but dangerous?! What could be dangerous about a close sibling bond?

Show quote history

Because he goes in with his fists. So if your DD was being bullied, or in a abusive relationship, she might keep it to herself out of fear of his reaction. As said it's toxic masculinity. She's now distraught and feeling responsible for their behaviour. That doesn't bode well for her future relationships.

momtoboys · 03/04/2023 17:50

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 02/04/2023 23:42

Omg!!!!

Smothering and dangerous???

Christ honestly ignore shite like this op your sons sound absolutely normal unlike some posters. My dds loved having older bros and still do.

I think she meant “smothering” as in her brother may not want to spend as much time with the DD?

CheezePleeze · 03/04/2023 18:17

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 03/04/2023 00:04

'Awful situation all round really?'

Says someone who has never yet dealt with teenagers or if they have made a bloody mess of it.

Op keep in there your lads sound completely normal. Keep taking keep supporting and keep your sense of humour and proportion.

The fact you are all taking/evaluating/communicating and apologising is great.

Mumsnet is a mad place sometimes.

Huh? You're right Mumsnet is a mad place if firstly you don't think it's an awful situation all round and secondly if you think this sort of behaviour is normal.

I have 3 adult sons and not a single one of them has ever hit their sibling. Yes they've come close to it but it's never happened.

That's not to say it doesn't in other homes (I'm one of 6 and two of my brothers had a couple of fights growing up), but it's weird to assume that anyone who thinks this is an awful situation, either hasn't raised teens or made a mess of it? Confused

TomeTome · 03/04/2023 19:12

I think you’re raising your daughter to need protection rather than stand on her own two feet.

Mumsafan · 03/04/2023 19:24

My boys were also arguing and once when I was pregnant with their sister they started a fight. As I was pregnant I shouted my DH to sort them out. He stopped the fight and lifted the younger one up, carried him upstairs and deposited him in his room.

With seconds I got a text message from said son saying DH has broken his thumb. I replied " ooh texting with a broken thumb ! New skill!! "

No reply 🤣

Now they are 30 and 27 and we laugh about it but at one stage their bickering cause did to only take one of them on holiday at a time.

It can seem quite worrying at the time but it does pass . And then both having the same punishment stops, in my experience, further bickering .

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