Was your life smooth sailing or de-railed in your twenties or thirties?

[Teaandcaaaaake]

And how is it now?

Thinking so much today about how if something bad happens in your twenties, such as a prolonged period of ill health which is what happened to me - it really drags you down and holds you back.

And also how people who meet a decent partner in early twenties are at a major advantage too, especially when it comes to planning having a child if they want one rather than panicking about fertility at 35 trying to manage on a single income, in a house share.

Feeling stressed about possibly never having a child today, not the end of the world I know but would have liked things to be different. I'm very lucky in lots of ways, very loving marriage now but feeling old in late thirties.

My young sibling was killed suddenly and traumatically when I was 23. 14 years on and it still impacts me daily.

Not only did I have to deal with that, I had to deal with my parents changing over night and losing the best parts of them too.

I have been married and have two children since, but it changed me as a person and I’d love to know how different things would be now if it hadn’t happened.

I'm so sorry lililil, life can be incredibly cruel.

@LiliLil That is awful, I am so sorry.

My Mum died suddenly in my 20’s and my Dad fell apart, which was very difficult. I wasn’t really mature enough to handle it. It did cause some problems and I would cope with it better now I’m in my 40’s. But life does throw you some curveballs sometimes.

Don't worry about getting older, OP, make the most of your life.

Thank you both.

I just realised I didn’t actually answer the question, but yes I think major events in your 20’s, illhealth, abuse, any type of trauma can have a massive impact on how your life turns out.

It’s not too late to have children OP, I’m sorry if there is a reason why you can’t that I’ve not mentioned, but if it is possible and what you want there’s still time.

That you’ve not mentioned*

we need an edit button!

Nothing traumatic happened to me in my 20s but I was quite chaotic back then, party lifestyle etc. Didn't meet dh until I was 29, got married at 32, had 1st dc at 34 and 2nd at 36. Tbh I wouldn't have felt ready any earlier than that, even though I'd always known that I wanted children in the future.

I had an unplanned pg at 19 and ended up a single mum through my 20s, and that child turned out to be severely autistic which completely derailed my 20s and 30s.

But I met current DH in my late 20s, married mid 30s and had DCs late 30s/early 40s. Weirdly my life is outwardly fairly normal for the part of London we're in - I'm not the oldest mum around. Never managed to build a career but I fudge that by doing hobby self-employment. I've never had any concerns about fertility, thanks to getting pg so young - I knew my body was capable of carrying a baby before I was old enough to worry about it.

I met a decent partner in my early 20's. Would have loved to spend our lives together, unfortunately he got a chronic illness shortly after we met that then went on to destroy our relationship and the whole enjoyment of my 20's.

It did derail me in a way as I had to start all over again at 30 and there was a lot of sadness and regret.

I don't think you can avoid these things though at any age, it may derail you but you will end up on another track.

You have time still OP. Loads of people have setbacks in their 20's

Nothing traumatic per se but my 20s and early 30s were heavily impacted by a period of horrible mental health (although I was "high functioning"), some terrible relationships, a couple of poor career decisions, a bout of workplace bullying that literally took me years to get over, a mistake I made in a different job which was something that other people might have got over but which I allowed to haunt me for years (ultimately no-one was severely impacted by it, no laws were broken and no lasting damage was done, it was more that in my head I let myself down very badly. Had therapy to work through..). I was generally quite chaotic during that time, think very messy, emotionally erratic etc.
As a result I ended up very much behind my peers in terms of career and was in a series of crappy relationships while others were settling down and having babies.
I met my DH at 34, married at 37, has DS a year later. My career has since massively picked up and has gone off in an exciting new direction that I could never have predicted. My mental health feels robust. I have a newfound resilience. Therapy, career coaching and my faith (Christian) really helped me to recentre. I'm absolutely loving motherhood but I feel twinges of sadness about how things panned out as I dearly wish I could have started earlier and had a large family. But I am so grateful for how my life turned around. Every day is a blessing.
I agree that people who sailed through their 20s are at an advantage but these days I don't waste time comparing.

My twenties were a mess.

A shocking series of bereavements that left me flailing.

Married a man who turned out to be abusive.

A horrible period of ill health where I was bed bound and had to leave the career I had worked so hard for.

I turned it all around in my thirties. Now have two lovely children, a great husband a got further in my career than I ever actually dreamt I would (a slight different direction, but it turned out to be a better one)

I had very little money (under £1000 in savings, and rented house) career at 28. Owned a big 5 bed house by 38.
My thirties were manic and I rarely stopped but I had heaps of fun with my children and rocketed along in my career. While the children were tiny it didn't seem to matter that I had so little money anyway so it was easy to tip everything extra into savings up to buy a house.

I'm ill at the moment and only holding down my job by spending the rest of the time in bed really, but mentally I feel much more able to get through it this time. And this workplace is so much more supportive (and remote working makes a heap of difference)

What you describe is very similar to what happened to me, and how I feel/felt about it, except it was Dad who died and Mum who struggled. I had just met a boyfriend when it happened, and probably stayed too long with the wrong person due to the circumstances. Work was also very stressful in my late thirties. I met DH when I was 37 and everything just fell into place. Reached the top in my job and thought “fuck it” and stepped back. Had our son at 42, we did need IVF, but got there in the end.

@AndiOliversFan I’m so sorry you experienced this. 💐 The one positive I found is that it’s made me more empathetic towards other people when they lose a loved one. I’m not afraid of other people’s grief, IYSWIM.

I really feel you on this OP. My 20s and 30s have been plagued by health problems, mental illness and relationship issues that are the legacy of abuse in childhood. It's cost me the 15 years in which I should have been enjoying experimenting and then settling down. I've learnt and grown a hell of a lot, given where I started from, but am scared the biological clock will run out soon. Considering egg freezing but it's invasive and lower success rates than I originally believed, so no panacea.

I've had a series of traumas unfortunately. Sexually abused from 11-15. Went through the judicial system which was also traumatic in my late teens. Relationship with one parent broke down irreparably around this time also.

Dropped out of uni less than a term in due to horrendous MH. Did manage to go to another one. Met future spouse and then had a termination after finding out he was cheating on me. Then had current long term relationship and suffered infertility and recurrent loss. And then my sibling died. This was all under 30. Lots of other difficult times and generally appalling MH issues that remain unresolved even now. Like a previous poster, I strongly suspect mine stem from the abuse as a child. Even without the sexual abuse my childhood could probably have been described as abusive, but I had classic middle class parents and everything looked fine from the outside.