Fed up! WWYD?

[GeneHuntsCowboyBoots]

Posting here for traffic and more of a WWYD if you were me than an AIBU.

I’m totally fed up. I have long term illnesses that significantly affect my life. I don’t work because of it all. My husband works full time in quite a busy management job that takes up a lot of headspace so I’m not moaning at him, though I do think he could contribute a bit more with some things. I do everything in the house/mental load apart from emptying the dishwasher. The mental load has become somewhat easier now the kids are teenagers but there’s still quite a bit to do.

My issues are that because I take care of the house and everything else - even breaking cleaning down into smaller chunks - I am too wiped out to do much else. I don’t have any time or energy for anything fun. I do go to a craft group once a week but I’m losing motivation for that too because it’s easier to curl up and sleep. But then I’m bored, absolutely bored rigid and feel fed up. I don’t actually feel down/depressed (and I have experience of this so not in denial) as such, as I say it’s just a deep fed up ness. It’s like I want to do things but my body won’t let me.

We used to have a cleaner but it would probably stretch us a bit too much at the minute if we got her back. We have a decent standard of living because of my husband’s salary and me receiving my pension early due to ill health. I also get a small amount of disability benefits. The cost of living rise has meant we’re having to be mindful but appreciate we’re still very lucky because we can afford our basics and have a some left over.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for but if anyone has any words of advice, I’d be very grateful.

I get the kids and dh together Sunday afternoon and we clean and tidy for 2 hours.

Chore rota for the teens, and husband to do more too. If it’s headspace he lacks, you’ve already done the thinking for him in terms of breaking tasks down into smaller chunks, so this part should be easier than if you were too stressed to write the task list, IYSWIM.

Start thinking of yourself more as householder manager being your job, not housework doer. Of course you’ll still pitch in, but others must share the tasks.

I think you are carrying guilt from being unable to earn money to your potential, and therefore not prioritising yourself. Stop the guilt. You deserve more.

We used to have a cleaner but it would probably stretch us a bit too much at the minute if we got her back.

Also, did you use to have her weekly? If so you could consider fortnightly?

So you have a long term illness and neither your DH or teens help you with any jobs at home? Even if they all had 1 job each it would be at least 3 jobs off your list.

Get a rota together. Your teens should be pitching in massively. Give them the jobs that are easy but take the most out of you- hoovering, stripping beds, bathroom cleaning etc.

I have a long term illness and work ft from home, we have a cleaner once a fortnight but even with that my husband and son sort (14) sort out cleaning up after the cat and feeding, make their own lunches and half the dinners a week, do their own laundry and throw mine in too (I help hang it up and put some away) strip beds and re make, taking in and putting away the grocery delivery, my son cuts the grass (gardener tidies fully once a month), unloads the dishwasher as well.

If we didn't have a cleaner they would also have to do the bathrooms properly and hoover throughout.

This is with full time work for my husband (although a lot from home so he's around in the day a bit), school and homework.

So I think maybe if you had some more help round the house you could have a little bit of energy left for something you enjoy?

Thanks so much for the responses, they’re really appreciated.

@NoSquirrels it was fortnightly but I’m seriously considering trying to squeeze it in again. Though DH would whine about it because it would stretch us.

I know I’ve probably made a rod for my own back by doing everything but I think I do feel guilty that if I can’t manage that, then I’m sort of totally useless if that makes sense. Like I can’t work so I do the house instead.

Ironically, the reason I stopped having the cleaner was because I started having private therapy due to my self esteem because of all of this and we couldn’t really afford both. The therapy worked well at the time but maybe I need a sort of top up. He grumbled about the cost of the therapy at the time too and it upset me because we pay a chuffing fortune for his car. I do have a car too but not as expensive (and is necessary because of my mobility and independence). He says he doesn’t have anything else so the car is his ‘thing’. And to be fair to him, he doesn’t go out much or drink or smoke or anything so I don’t actually begrudge him it. I just begrudge him begrudging me the therapy etc.

@Krumpet yep, that’s pretty much it and although they need to buck up, I’ve probably made it worse by doing everything for them. Partly because of feeling I need to do something to feel worthwhile.

I’ve asked DH before to help a bit more but he says ‘weekends are for relaxing’. I asked him to remake our bed (I strip it and wash bedding he does do the remake) and hoover upstairs and down the stairs on a Wednesday and he hardly ever does it, and if he does, it’s never on a Wednesday. We chose that day because I do some of upstairs/the bedding and we have an easy evening meal so it’s not too much in one go.

As for the teenagers, yep, I need to get them on board. And it’s my own fault for doing everything but as I say, it’s down to feeling ‘guilty’ and sort of worthless for not being able to work.

When you did work, OP, how hands-on was your DH domestically?

You need to stop feeling like you need to do stuff. I also don't work due to disability and my teens have been doing lots of housework stuff that has gradually got more and more over the years. The eldest is now at uni with a very clean and tidy room including his en-suite. Their rooms are never messy at home either.

Stop apologising for your condition and stop exhausting yourself. It isn't worth it. A rota needs to be discussed and drawn up. The main ones that helped us, each child is responsible for a bin, one does the main kitchen bin the other the recycling. These are emptied twice a week due to capacity and one of these days coincides with the actual wheelie bin collection. They have a set day to strip their bed and the last one puts the washing machine on. I then tumble dry it and put their towels on to wash and dry. I dump it all back on the landing, they make their beds, fold and put their towels (different colours so they know whose is whose) back into their bathroom. Yes obviously I could fold their towels but why would I? They need to do this when they go to uni anyway.

Depending on age of teens they either make a dinner at least once a week either separately or together or they help make dinner and learn how to do it. They are learning to be functioning adults so this is part of it. They can dust and hoover their rooms and have days where they hoover the hall etc. It just takes a few minutes for them.

Because everyone in my house works as a team I have more energy than if I martyred myself and did lots. Stress makes my condition worse so I have learned to sit, relax and listen to my body. When I am tired I sleep. I didn't choose to be this way, I don't think anyone does. But stop apologising for something you cannot control, get everyone to muck in.

Hi op, I have various conditions which mean I can only work 2 days /week & am then too exhausted to keep the house as I want it to be. I have always make a list of jobs that need to be done & told my ds to pick 3 each. When my youngest was younger he would choose 1st so there would be jobs he could do. Ok, so the vacuuming might not be done to my standard but with 3 dc that was 9 jobs I didn’t need to do. It is good experience for them too.

I know how you feel. A lot of my mental overload meltdowns have come from this. I have MS so I really sympathise. The moment I went back to work (part time then progressed to Full Time) their attitude changed.

I honestly think people think less of those who are long term unemployed (for whatever reason!). Even my Neurologist prioritised my appointments because he knew I had a job. A 7 year old once called me lazy because he knew I didn't work.

Weird, cruel world.

I hope your family hear you out. They need to help more X

A bit more when we only had 2DCs (eldest is mine from a previous relationship who is now grown and left home and DD who os 16) but I worked full time then. Then I went to part time when the youngest (13) was born and ended up doing all of household stuff AND everything related to the kids. I started getting ill around 4 months after the youngest was born, though it was sort of masked by post natal anxiety for a while. I continued to do everything until I eventually had to leave work in early 2016.

DH has progressed his career during this time and now it’s too much for him to help any more.

As for the teenagers, yep, I need to get them on board. And it’s my own fault for doing everything but as I say, it’s down to feeling ‘guilty’ and sort of worthless for not being able to work

You'll be feeling just as guilty when you realised they can't function a bin bag or boil an egg. I had uni friends like this who were mocked, couldn't cope with independence and failed their degrees

Thank you for sharing your experience. I do feel ‘less than’ because of the illness and situation overall. I’ve been having a think about how I can get the kids to help and have some ideas. Admittedly, I am reluctant to broach it with DH because it always causes arguments. Usually of the “I can’t do anymore” (him) and “we can’t afford a cleaner” (also him) variety.

It probably is like a matyr situation but I genuinely feel like shit because of what I can’t do and I know there’s a lot to unpack there.

I’m glad you found something thaf worked for you and your kids sound like they’re awesome.

@Cornwallintherain Yep. I said above I feel ‘less than’. I’ve worked since I had my first paper round at 13 and always been independent, particularly when I was a single parent. It’s hard isn’t it.

@Badgerstmary thank you for sharing too.

I think another side of it is I’m in the house a lot because of my conditions, so I do things because I’m there and have the opportunity. I’m only late 40’s so my friends are still working therefore I don’t have a lot to do during the day either (hence the boredom). I also lost a few friends when I gave up work. More drifitng than anything but it didn’t help!

Is there anything you could do paid work wise then pay for cleaning? Cleaning is hard work! If you earn under a certain threshold it won't affect means tested benefits. I struggle physically with cleaning myself and I have help, you really shouldn't have to do it all

@GeneHuntsCowboyBoots come on, you know your Dh could do more. He would absolutely have to if you were hospitalised for a month. Let's be honest, very few people love housework and if we could just say fuck it and let someone else do it we would. He knows you will do it because you always have. My Dh also has a very stressful job, still cooks and prepares all food on weekends, hoovered the entire house this morning.

I felt the same as you, I worked from 13, worked uni holidays too and then gave up work in my early 30s as a temporary thing due to Dh's job relocation which saw an improvement in my health which Dh could see and appreciates. I get the feeling like I am a burden but luckily Dh doesn't see it that way and neither do my children.

I get the bored out of your skull feeling but the best thing is the internet. I listen to podcasts or audiobooks when I do housework which I do at a slow pace, no rushing as that makes me more tired. I watch tv shows and films, things that make me happy. Potter in the garden a bit. I did volunteer but have now hit perimenopause so feel like a different person, overwhelmed at times which I never experienced before and more lethargic than normal so I have taken a break from it.

I don't know how long you haven't worked for (it's 18 years for me) but I have learned to accept my body for what it does allow me to do. Having seen people with long covid or my friend with fibro in a wheelchair I realise I could be much worse. Dh only had a glimpse into being incapacitated after knee surgery so although he can never run again, he can at least walk and slow jog.

We have a decent standard of living because of my husband’s salary and me receiving my pension early due to ill health.

Your husband and children may have a good standard of living but you don't, you're knackered. As mentioned, it would be very good for your teens to learn household skills and the importance of responsibility. As for your husband, he needs to understand what this is like for you - some compromises are needed or your health will decline further.

I overlooked all the fun and positive things that I edited out of my life in order to keep up with demands and now my health is very poor. Everyone deserves some downtime activities and it's warning sign if you can no longer manage something leisurely that you enjoyed.