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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At stop dd12 going to her dads

8 replies

MaryEllis78 · 02/04/2023 19:04

She gets anxious worried every time she goes
she says he shouts at younger 2 kids a lot grabbed them one time
says that they drink a lot iv already asked him not to take her too boozy parties as she is uncomfortable round strangers homes where they are all drinking
today she’s gone and said they have been at the pub all day she’s wanting to come home but doesn’t want me to tell him (he would be annoyed)
am I being unreasonable to just stop overnights if he’s going to drink every time he sees her? He loves her and iv encouraged her to go thinking maybe it’s cos it’s just me and her and she’s used to live another way but she’s so consistently unhappy with going in tears again this morning it’s like a massive cloud over our lives

OP posts:
itsthefinalcountdown1 · 02/04/2023 19:25

This is a safeguarding issue - your daughter is telling you she feels uncomfortable. Listen to her, bring her home every time she wants to.
YOU don't have to stop sending her. She can choose herself at 12.

Original poster
MaryEllis78 · 02/04/2023 19:36

She needs me to do it as she doesn’t want to upset him. And I’m not sure what to do because is it a safeguarding issue?
he doesn’t take her to the parties anymore as soon as I said she doesn’t like it. but he has taken her to the pub with his younger 2 today where they had dinner and I assume drank but don’t w lot of people?

i feel split in 2 about this

he loves her but she doesn’t like it and I don’t want to ruin her relationship with her dad I feel completely split I wish he just wouldn’t drink at all when she goes there
we have recently cut contact down a lot because of this so she now goes twice a month

OP posts:
bobby81 · 02/04/2023 19:42

I agree that she can choose at her age. It's not your responsibility to make her visit him. Our situation is different because social services were involved but my DD doesn't see her biological father anymore & is a similar age. She is like a different child, less anxious & much happier. I spent ages trying to reassure her & persuade her to see him then the social worker told me it was my responsibility to advocate for her.... it was like a wake up call to me. I don't know why I didn't see it before, I just thought it was best for her to have a relationship with him because he's her father....I was wrong.

LlynTegid · 02/04/2023 19:42

Reasonable to say you are not having your DD just go to her dad because of drinking,in my opinion.

Original poster
MaryEllis78 · 02/04/2023 19:52

Ok I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and say I’m not pushing it anymore
I’m worried he’s drunk today and wondering whether to go get her but I could be making something big out of it
he’s not horrible but she just doesn’t want to go and maybe some families do have drinks on Sunday’s but we don’t do she’s not used to it

im just not sure how to approach it or whether I just text him on the morning and say she doesn’t want to come
she’s due to go away with him over the holidays and I just don’t know if it will happen

she doesn’t want to tell him herself she’s just not that way

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryEllis78 · 02/04/2023 19:53

bobby81 · 02/04/2023 19:42

I agree that she can choose at her age. It's not your responsibility to make her visit him. Our situation is different because social services were involved but my DD doesn't see her biological father anymore & is a similar age. She is like a different child, less anxious & much happier. I spent ages trying to reassure her & persuade her to see him then the social worker told me it was my responsibility to advocate for her.... it was like a wake up call to me. I don't know why I didn't see it before, I just thought it was best for her to have a relationship with him because he's her father....I was wrong.

This is how I feel I’m pushing her as I want her to have a dad but maybe it’s just not right after all
oc her life not wanting to maybe I just stop pushing it
He always says it’s not fair on his kids when my dd doesn’t go but what about her?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryEllis78 · 02/04/2023 19:54

I’m thinking about saying to him she can’t stay round next time she goes

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/04/2023 19:57

I'd be honest and saying when he has drink alcohol it makes her anxious. See what he comes back with. Perhaps he will take it on board and choose to do a different activity. If not suggest she spends the days woth them and comes back to mums to sleep

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