To ask if you regret IVF after it worked?

[ivfregret]

NC for this post but I firstly want to make it clear I'm not looking for opinions from people who regret having a child generally or IVF didn't work for -

This thread is specifically about people that had UVF but feel like they should have just continued without going down that route and being child free instead.

Has this happened to anyone? Can you please share your experience if so.

I know someone who had 5 rounds of IVF at 8k each time. They had success on their last round but sadly their little boy was born sleeping at 22 weeks.

I think my friend probably regrets some of it. Had her lovely son then went for baby number two with frozen embryos. Got twins. Not sure I've seen her happy since they were born six years ago. It's really sad.

My experience fwiw - I kind of regret doing IVF. Took three rounds for me to realise my relationship was rotten and finally get the courage to end things. Now single and child free and really happy. All of married friends with kids look genuinely miserable and knackered and pissed off with their husbands but I assume a phase for many while they have young children.

I don't know what your circumstances are op but if you have any doubts about your relationship don't do it.

That is heartbreaking 😢

I have had 4 rounds of ivf and have three (singleton) children aged 6, 4 and 2. The IVF has muellered my body and none of the pregnancies were brilliant (though that is likely in large part due to a condition unconnected to the infertility, which was my husband not me, or the ivf). I had a miscarried singleton and lost a twin (both early).

IVF has badly impacted my finances, my career and my health (though that is improving). I often probably seem stressed and unhappy. I would not change it for the world. Even now sometimes I’ll just stop and think how close we came to this not being our lives. And it takes my breath away.

please ignore the posters who are surmising what friends or relatives who have had IVF might be feeling. Unless they have told you you don’t know what they are feeling or if they’d do it all again.

After my first a midwife said to me that ivf children are extra special. I don’t think that’s true. But I do think it’s true that every ivf parent has peered into an abyss of unwanted childlessness and realised how close they came. You really have to decide to do ivf. I didn’t know if we should do it as I was ambivalent about having children. I didn’t know if I should go through ivf unless I was desperate. We decided to and it was absolutely right for us.

No regrets about IVF which brought me my lovely daughter. It was the infertility, miscarriages and years of uncertainty that were hard, not the IVF. Motherhood is very challenging but I have think that’s the case no matter how children are conceived. I feel very grateful IVF exists.

My situation was a bit different in that I had secondary infertility so chose to go through IVF to have a second child. The process was stressful and I ended up with only 2 eggs collected, both fertilised and were put back in and my 15 year old DD is the result!

My children’s dad had an affair and left when my IVF baby was 4 years old and if I’d known that was going to happen I probably wouldn’t have had the IVF as raising two children on my own has probably been more challenging emotionally, physically and financially than raising one would have been.

However she is hugely loved and the relationship between her and her big sister is everything I hoped it would be so I can’t complain!

Having had success with IVF, I don't have any regrets as we have two, beautiful children. But our perspective might be different if the outcome had been different.

I had three rounds of IVF and two miscarriages as a result. I then conceived my first DC naturally after another miscarriage . I had a further (late) miscarriage after a surprise second pregnancy and then conceived my son. .

I regret the IVF because I didn’t need it. I needed support with a blood clotting issue - I had to go through 3 rounds of ivf and 3 miscarriages before it was tested for and discovered. That period of my life was hell. 6 years. Being told that no one will help you until 3 miscarriages whilst pregnant for the third time and having to go through a preventable miscarriage was brutal.

I’ve also at times regretted having children, if I’m completely honest. I wanted them so, so much but I’m an older mum, I’m tired all the time and a second DC really has pushed me to the brink. I can’t honestly say that having children has made me happy. I love them, but it’s hard work and I miss my old life and self and my pre-kids marriage. I probably should have stopped at one kid, although my second DC is the easy going one who is a dream, and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

I have a primary school son from successful ivf, and he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I could not regret it due to that.

However, I do think I was just not meant to have children. Two more failed attempts at having another baby (and some very upsetting circumstances), i now know I won't ever be able to provide a sibling for my child and that honestly crushes me. (No disrespect to those with only children, these are just my own feelings).

Sometimes I do think I just should have accepted kids were not for me - it would have been a grieving process but I would have got over it.

Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed, how you’re feeling is perfect ok and normal. I think falling pregnant (however it happens, even desperately wanted pregnancies) can throw up some ‘omg what have I done’ thoughts. I certainly had them, and I think I was pretty convinced that mine wouldn’t make it so I was kind of protecting myself mentally from that whilst praying they’d be ok. It was a minefield head fuck traumatic time, not helped I feel by the societal image that pregnancy is magical and all women must enjoy it like some Earth mother experience.

Your feelings aren’t wrong, you aren’t alone in them and there are others out there that feel the same. I would try and seek some counselling to pick apart everything that’s happened to you and to try to make peace with how you’re feeling if you can. You don’t have to continue the pregnancy if you really don’t want to, irrespective of the ivf, but it’s also fine to hate pregnancy and all the swirling emotions and continue on if you choose to.

I'm so sorry for your previous loss. 💐

I had IVF and was overjoyed with the birth of our much longed for DS. I then had PND for a year, which I wasn’t anticipating and which really shook me (I wasn’t a good enough parent, maybe the universe had been trying to tell me something, etc).
Unpicking it, I had a hormone imbalance was was fairly easily rectified by medication when I finally sought help, but I also realised that I was sort of holding my breath waiting for him to be taken away from me, and felt like I had to be the best mother possible because I had not been given a baby ‘naturally’. Sounds absolutely doolally written down, but it was definitely due to the IVF process and everything I had secretly feared about myself.

Since then, we have had another gorgeous son and do I regret IVF? Not one tiny bit. I do regret not allowing myself to process the whole trauma of infertility emotionally with DS1, but having fertility treatment isn’t cheating or saying you don’t deserve a baby. It’s just biology.

I had a massive wobble wondering if nature knew better and there would be something wrong with the baby if it worked. I felt like this for the whole pregnancy too.

No problems in the end and have a happy healthy funny chatty 7 year old.

Super common to have these thoughts, the ivf clinic will offer counselling. Good luck

Hi thank you for your message it’s really good to hear someone else’s thoughts & advice. The last day or so has been truly emotionally exhausting, I feel I’ve cried non stop. I rang the clinic, awaiting a phone call from a nurse today. I’m hoping a bit of counselling before I make a final decision. I would be an older parent, that doesn’t overly bother me but I do like my lifestyle as it is, I need it for my mental health. I’ve lost both parents & a nephew who I was extremely close to all within 5yrs, the most recent just 4mths ago. I’ve not sought counselling for these bereavements as I’m a v.positive person & try to come to terms with things myself. Although I just feel with the pregnancy changes ontop of my already scrambled feelings my head is well & truly pickled. A baby / new life would be lovely I’m the first to say it when I hear a baby has arrived, but the trauma I’m dealing with mentally I am genuinely worried how my head would actually cope with a little human depending on me.
My other half is supportive & does not pressurise me to do 1 or the other.

Sounds like it was having children that he couldn't handle, and I bet the same thing would have happened with children conceived without IVF. Sounds like you're better off.

We did 6 rounds of ivf and we are absolutely blissed out with our 1 year old.

She is more than we ever wished for.

We have chosen to home ed because the state school system is not fit for purpose (in our view) also fits better with our life choices.

Go for it

There is no one right way to feel. I worked in Perinatal mental health for many years, and there were many many women who had successful IVF who were struggling. They may have struggled anyway, but the process of IVF can put huge pressure on somebody and the relationship.

And then when the baby arrives many women feel guilty that they have regrets or feel depressed, because this was the dream wasn’t it?

Any emotion is valid and I hope people get the support they need.

Want to add we did our ivf in Istanbul for a fraction of the cost. Probably spent about £10k for those 6 rounds including travel and accommodation.
Jinepol (support group on fb)

I felt like this with my first (natural) pregnancy. Turned out to be perinatal depression. I ended up getting a great mental health nurse who really helped me through everything and continued to support me after the birth. Mental health in pregnancy is super important and you can get good support - you just need to be vocal with your midwife to refer you. I wish I'd asked for help earlier rather than suffering with feeling miserable for so long. Sending hugs and understanding. Hope everything improves.

It’s really good to hear someone else’s thoughts & advice. The last day or so has been truly emotionally exhausting, I feel I’ve cried non stop. I rang the clinic, awaiting a phone call from a nurse today. I’m hoping a bit of counselling before I make a final decision. I would be an older parent, that doesn’t overly bother me but I do like my lifestyle as it is, I need it for my mental health. I’ve lost both parents & a nephew who I was extremely close to all within 5yrs, the most recent just 4mths ago. I’ve not sought counselling for these bereavements as I’m a v.positive person & try to come to terms with things myself. Although I just feel with the pregnancy changes ontop of my already scrambled feelings my head is well & truly pickled. A baby / new life would be lovely I’m the first to say it when I hear a baby has arrived, but the trauma I’m dealing with mentally I am genuinely worried how my head would actually cope with a little human depending on me.
My other half is supportive & does not pressurise me to do 1 or the other.

I had IVF and am currently 35 weeks. Very very ill with HG, spent last night in hospital (again). That's the only part that seriously upsets me, but I wouldn't give up this baby for anything. Who knows how I'll feel when they arrive. Always wanted two kids but seriously considering not having another after how horrific being pregnant has been for me (and my poor DH who's had to look after me this whole time!) I am nervous of the family dynamics changing. I adore things as they are with just my DH and I, does feel like a weird loss that that will change forever.

This thread was started last April so hope OP is ok.

I had IVF but it wasn't my first baby. My first baby (conceived naturally and planned) was a massive shock to the system. I thought I'd made a massive mistake - no way could I enjoy life being woken up every hour and screamed at for hours every evening. It was breaking me. Everything hurt and I was miserable.

Nothing to do with IVF... I expect there is added "guilt" at not feeling overjoyed 100% of the time but that is bullshit. And life gets so much better once they sleep and you get into the swing of things.

At least with my IVF baby I knew a little more about what to expect! And it was still hard, no doubt.

And I know this won't be relevant for many but one of the hardest parts of IVF was deciding what to do with the remaining frozen embryos. Keep them or not. I'm not against abortion or anything but I found it incredibly difficult and not something I'd anticipated.

I don't regret it at all. It was a bit of a difficult phase of life to go through for sure at the time, but its done now and the difficult part is over. I've created a family. Short term stress for long term gain.

Agreed - I am finding this hard.

IVF'er here. I've had 4 embryos transferred over the last year, it has 'worked' three times but none made it to term. I have one more embryo left in the freezer. I'm not even sure I'm going to transfer that one given how much loss I've had already, I'll either transfer it or PG test it. As it is I'm still in the process of miscarrying embryo no.4. I've spent a stupid amount of money aswell. I don't regret it because I know I can walk away from this journey knowing I did everything I could when I was a bit younger, ie 34.