Any advice for a situation with my nana? Absolutely desperate.

[Foreveranxious22]

Hi! Sorry this might be a bit long.
My nana has had declining health for the past few years. I was very close with her and my grandad and lived with them for most of my teenage years. Moved out about 7 years ago, have my own family and children now so I don’t see them as much as I’d like. Recently my nana with diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
I found out that my nana and grandads relationship has become quite rocky, arguing over house chores, work, money etc.
The house they have lived in for 30 years had become a bit of a dump, my grandad was working two jobs and still not able to keep up with the bills, looking after my nana, looking after the house and looking after his health. They are in a lot of debt and are struggling to pay off their mortgage.
My nanas health declined more and more until my grandad broke with the stress of her health about 6 weeks ago and said he couldn’t do everything anymore.
My mum and her sister and brother are currently splitting the care of my nana but from their own homes. So my nana is a bit of a nomad and is in a different home every day of the week. My nana has expressed that she feels like she’s a burden on everyone and wants to go home.

My AIBU is I’m saying to my mum, auntie and uncle that my nana can’t be ship from one home to another every day of the week, we need to come up with a way of protecting my nana and graddad but from their home. They don’t want to put her in a home as my nana worked in care homes for many years and has always said to us to not put her in one.

Does anyone have any recourses to help my grandad? Realistically my nana can’t be left alone, I have my children to look after and my nanas children all have their own jobs. We’re all just a bit stuck with what to do.
My mum and I have come up with an arrangement of helping my grandad gut the house to get it into a liveable home for my nana to return too. Which we have said we can keep doing this multiple times a week to ensure the house stays clean and tidy for them. However, my grandad still has to work, meaning even if she does return home, there’s no one there to look after her.
If anyone has any advice I’d be so appreciative.
Thank you for reading!

You need to contact adult social care at your local council. They should be able to help you.
Also, we promised my mam we wouldn’t put her in a home when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, unfortunately it was a promise we couldn’t keep.

You need to get in touch with your local adult social services and ask them to do an assessment of needs. This really helped me with a family situation. Also ring Age Concern for advice. Alzheimers charities too? Have you spoken to your nan's GP?

Due to age, my relative was put at the top of all waiting lists by SS.

No one ever says they want to go into a home. Ever. My Nan certainly didn’t. But the reality is, unless you have someone who is physically able to care for them 24/7, it simply must be an option.

Certainly, moving her around will distress her more and more, as the dementia progresses.

When my FIL was told he had dementia, the GP referred him to the local dementia team. They were an intensive home treatment team, and were absolutely brilliant. Might there's be something similar that you can access in your area? They did everything from caring, shopping, helping him take his dog to the vet, sorting a safe for his medication.

Yes, my MIL always said she didn't want to go into a care home. But by the time that her dementia had made residential care the only safe option, she was mentally past objecting. And she grew very fond of the staff.

Just to add that adult social care can also undertake a carer's assessment for your grandad so that he gets some support too. Despite what your nana has previously said about care homes, dementia care needs specialist training and an environment that reduces stress. Moving her around at the moment won't be helping her. She may not be ready for nursing homes yet but social services can arrange carers to visit, make sure she is washed, fed etc. for the time being.

Get adult social care involved, they might be able to arrange carers to help put. Sadly the nature of alzheimers is that it usually becomes unmanageable for the patient to remain at home and a care home is the only option x

Talk with your nana and family. Please get her permission and arrange a weekday to sit with her and call the local social care team to refer her, whilst you are with her (so she can give permission to share etc). Ask for grandad to have carers assessment at same time as her needs assessment

Then leave your number for further detail gathering.
You need to explain nana is being a shipped temporarily from house to house as this will up her priority aa it indicates significant level of care and support needs and high level of carer strain.

They will arrange for assessment visits, as for someone else in family to be contacted to attend at same time (either your aunts or you).

Let them look at options. You'd be surprised what can be arranged for eg
3 days week day centre and a care package at home ; family covering weekend day times etc might have enough of a supportive effect as a care home if she's sleeping well at night