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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I admit I was a shit

12 replies

WestMauling · 02/04/2023 09:49

I read lots of threads on here of people being let down not turning up to social events etc - it's definitely happened to me.

But - here's a situation where my night school class were going out for a meal and I didn't turn up or bother to reply to a text saying 'are you coming?' when a woman I was friendly with texted me to ask on the day. This, despite earlier that day replying to a text from her concerning 'bringing a bottle' that indicated I was very likely to attend.

Just to mention, this was 15 years ago so not current .

I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself and have no excuses. I totally own it.

OP posts:
DrHousecuredme · 02/04/2023 09:56

No excuses, fine but I'm intrigued...what is your reasoning here? What was the thought process behind just ignoring her message?

And also, did the friendship survive?

Albiboba · 02/04/2023 09:59

If you didn’t apologise at the time there’s no point claiming to own it now.

Original poster
WestMauling · 02/04/2023 10:02

Albiboba · 02/04/2023 09:59

If you didn’t apologise at the time there’s no point claiming to own it now.

Fair enough. I didn't apologise at any time. My behaviour was selfish and cowardly.

OP posts:
Original poster
WestMauling · 02/04/2023 10:12

DrHousecuredme · 02/04/2023 09:56

No excuses, fine but I'm intrigued...what is your reasoning here? What was the thought process behind just ignoring her message?

And also, did the friendship survive?

Right. This was in 2008 - so think run up to Xmas 2008. Earlier that year I'd suffered a serious trauma and was trying to rebuild my life. But that's no excuse. If I was well enough to go to classes I'm well enough to go to social stuff or at least to reply to the text and say I wasn't going. Which is still selfish, admittedly, but not as cowardly.

My reasoning was, because it was the tail end of the year - mid December 2008 - that anything I did in 2008 didn't matter - I was going to be a much better behaved person in 2009. This is pathetic and no excuse.

With the other lady - let's call her Denise - we didn't fall out - and I didn't apologise- but it was awkward for a second when we saw each other the next time. However, as we didn't socialise outside the class at all, I couldn't honestly call us 'friends' at any point, just people who were friendly in the class I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
WestMauling · 02/04/2023 10:14

DrHousecuredme · 02/04/2023 09:56

No excuses, fine but I'm intrigued...what is your reasoning here? What was the thought process behind just ignoring her message?

And also, did the friendship survive?

The other thing, just for full context - every one in the class was very pleasant and straightforward so it's not as if I had issues with anyone in the class

OP posts:
Honeypotday · 02/04/2023 10:15

I’ve done things like this. Not recently, but one thing I will say is not to give yourself a hard time over it. I just tend to think I am an extremely different person now. I’m also fairly tolerant of others behaving inconsiderately or similar. I just work on the assumption it’s them, not me.

Worst thing I did was not answer my phone to someone who had arranged to stay at mine: admittedly she did sort of invite herself but still.

Original poster
WestMauling · 02/04/2023 10:20

Honeypotday · 02/04/2023 10:15

I’ve done things like this. Not recently, but one thing I will say is not to give yourself a hard time over it. I just tend to think I am an extremely different person now. I’m also fairly tolerant of others behaving inconsiderately or similar. I just work on the assumption it’s them, not me.

Worst thing I did was not answer my phone to someone who had arranged to stay at mine: admittedly she did sort of invite herself but still.

This is what I tell myself. To be honest if she invited herself I don't blame you for not answering!!

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/04/2023 10:24

Why on earth are you berating yourself for a relatively minor rudeness from 15 years ago??!

Yes, you were rude but it was 15 years ago. I doubt Denise remembers.

Is there something else going on in your life now that's making you dwell on this?

Original poster
WestMauling · 02/04/2023 10:29

DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/04/2023 10:24

Why on earth are you berating yourself for a relatively minor rudeness from 15 years ago??!

Yes, you were rude but it was 15 years ago. I doubt Denise remembers.

Is there something else going on in your life now that's making you dwell on this?

Reasonable question - it's something I've thought about from time to time.

Also, there was another thread on here last night about a poster who'd invited friends who'd indicated they were coming, then appear to be no shows. So I was just posting about a situation from the other side. You see a lot of threads in the vein of people being let down by friends

OP posts:
Tryphenia · 02/04/2023 10:31

WestMauling · 02/04/2023 10:29

Reasonable question - it's something I've thought about from time to time.

Also, there was another thread on here last night about a poster who'd invited friends who'd indicated they were coming, then appear to be no shows. So I was just posting about a situation from the other side. You see a lot of threads in the vein of people being let down by friends

Show quote history

These people weren’t friends, though, if you’d never seen them outside of a night class. Different situation, especially if you’d never said you’d attend.

DrHousecuredme · 02/04/2023 10:54

Oh, it doesn't sound that bad tbh, I mean they weren't your best mates and were presumably still able to have a nice time without you.
I think in the past I've just not turned up to things where I was fairly sure I wouldn't be missed or negatively impact on the activity.

Littlecamellia · 02/04/2023 10:56

We've all done things we're ashamed of, so don't beat yourself up about it. It's long gone and you've probably learned from it.

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