Mum talking bad about my dc

[heythere01]

A bit of background context: Growing up my dm never stopped my uncles scaring & telling us off. I explicitly remember a time when I was 11-12 years old and I had got a crush on this boy and maybe they suspected. I had gone to hang with my cousins and the boy happen to be in the house. When I went back to the house my uncle demanded my phone and when I refused, he cornered me and snatched it off me and threatened to beat me up. I cried & was more upset why my mum did nothing & why she would allow that. A lot of broken trust from there.

Fast forward, I am a mother now & I have very different views now. I never RARELY go out with my DH because our kids are young. I asked my mum if she can look after my child and she said yes. Once I was back I got a cold reception from her and she on more than one occasion has spoken bad about my child, saying she's very loud and name calling her. Out of respect for my mother, I have never said a thing to her and have always spoken to my child before and after and ensure she doesn't scream or shout when she's playing. Tonight, I came home & my DD was crying so I was comforting her and all I can hear in the background is "why are you hugging her", " you should hug me instead" and again name calling. I love mum to bits but I just can't stand to think, I think she doesn't like my child. I did mention this to her before but tonight I told her thank you for looking after her but basically won't ask again and you seem to always have something bad to say about her. She got upset with me and left making me feel bad. I got my DD to call and say sorry for being loud & not listening.

It's the constant comments like oh she's going to be sly or up to no good when she's 15 just watch, she's 7 btw. My DD is a beautiful child who loves to dress up and dance & she's got a unique character.

Sorry for the long post but am I being too sensitive & it's an old school thing or is she out of order. Do you think I could of handled it any more different?

I'm a actually very close to my family & my parents have made comments in past that daughters who get upset over basically family telling their kids of or hitting etc are basically no good. I can't help feeling like I'm gaslighted on a daily.

Did she call your mum names?

No, my mum calling my DD names to me or just in the background. I couldn't translate in English but they don't please my ears as a mother either.

Keep your child away from your mother. Your child is picking up on your mothers dislike for her. She deserves to be loved unconditionally and your mother does not seem able to do that. It's awful she's talking about your daughter to you like that. Imagine what language she might use when complaining about her to other people? She's not in good hands and you can't expect a child to never scream or shout.

Ahh ok sorry, I wasn't sure.

In that case I'd keep her contact with your mum to a minimum and don't ask her to babysit again.

It doesn't look as though she's going to change I'm afraid.

It sounds like your mother is abusing your child. You should tell your mother off infront of your child and never let her see her again

It's history repeating itself. Your mum is doing to your daughter what your uncle did to you, while you're standing idly by, being polite and asking your daughter to apologise.

Everything you felt, she will feel it too. You need to break the cycle.

Your mother sounds quite narcissistic.

I wouldn’t want her having alone time with your daughter again, and it also makes me feel sorry for your daughter that she had to phone and apologise for being loud/not listening…..did your daughter think she had done anything wrong? Or are you believing what your mum says?

Keep your poor child away from this horrible woman.
"why are you hugging her", " you should hug me instead" and again name calling
Just NO. That’s insane. Your mother doesn’t like you or your child and she’s jealous of the attention you quite rightly give to your daughter.

Basically, your daughter will be on here one day, writing something very similar to what you have. Unless you protect her from your mother and any other abusive adult in your lives.

So I have a baby, and I had warned my DD before leaving that when the baby is going down, she needs to keep the noise down but instead made so much noise that it In fact distressed the baby. I think the whole environment was overwhelming for everyone in that moment. My mum was also very sick lately and I was worried she would have one of those episodes from the stress of things. My DD when I'm not around, can make it difficult by not listening so that's why I told her to apologise.

I try my best daily to break any cycle that I was in. My family find it strange the level of attention I give my child and think I spoil her. I disagree completely. I have so much trauma in myself that I worry I'm rubbing it on her. However, I make sure my DD knows she has me and I am there for her always in every way.

Your mother is emotionally harming your child like she emotionally harmed you. Please put a stop to it by either NC, LC or working on boundaries and assertiveness. I am sorry for all you've been through. You know this isn't right, that's why you're posting. This is the opening of a door for a new opportunity, to protect both yourself and your daughter emotionally.

Made me tear up a little. It's such a weird position to be in. 1. Dealing with my own trauma, 2. Doing anything I can to make sure my children never feel how I do & 3. Also, feeling so guilty for putting this up or having those feelings forwards my mum. I feel like I am doing something bad

Can I ask what your background is? Not that it makes any difference to your mum’s toxic behaviour but it may help to understand the cultural setting.

If an adult called my child names, I wouldnt be making my child apologise first

@heythere01 it is very difficult but you are not alone. With regard to feeling guilty perhaps look up FOG which stands for Fear Obligation and Guilt and describes the feelings we often have when trying to assert ourselves and our own needs against those who are emotionally abusive. It is not an easy road but there are many of us on it and we can do it!

I love mum to bits

Really? Are you sure what you feel is genuine love, or is it something more complicated, bound up in FOG? - https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Because your mum allowed your uncle to bully & terrify you as a child, is horrible to you now, & is doing exactly the same to your child.
Why are you allowing your child to suffer the same treatment you suffered?

Out of respect for my mother, I have never said a thing to her and have always spoken to my child before and after and ensure she doesn't scream or shout when she's playing. Tonight, I came home & my DD was crying so I was comforting her and all I can hear in the background is "why are you hugging her", " you should hug me instead" and again name calling. I love mum to bits but I just can't stand to think, I think she doesn't like my child. I did mention this to her before but tonight I told her thank you for looking after her but basically won't ask again and you seem to always have something bad to say about her. She got upset with me and left making me feel bad. I got my DD to call and say sorry for being loud & not listening.

So on this one occasion, you backed your mother against your daughter TWICE.

Why are you taking your mother's side in berating & criticising your child?
Where is the respect for your daughter, who you should be protecting?

This is not normal OP. Apologies if this is coming over as harshly worded, but you need to see this situation from an outsider's perspective, because I think you have been conditioned to accept very poor treatment your entire life, so cannot see what your mother is doing to your child.
You are so hopelessly enmeshed in your mother's toxicity that you cannot see it clearly for what it is. This is NOT your fault, but you need to get a clearer understanding of the dynamic. The website linked above will help with that.

It's the constant comments like oh she's going to be sly or up to no good when she's 15 just watch
Come on OP. Don't let your mother erase your child's confidence & boundaries like she erased yours.
That's a disgusting thing to say about a child. You'd be well within reason to tell your mother to fuck off when she makes remarks like that.
Stop using her for childcare, your DD needs your protection.

PP upthread mentioned narcissism.
The label doesn't matter - the behaviour does, & just the snapshot you've provided sounds like there is some kind of personality disorder going on. When you have time, have a look at Dr Ramani & see if any of her wisdom about this type of individual sounds familiar - of so, you will find Dr R a great source of advice & comfort.

I had warned my DD before leaving that when the baby is going down, she needs to keep the noise down but instead made so much noise that it In fact distressed the baby.

So your DD did misbehave. In that case are you surprised your DM told her off?

Sounds like your DM supports discipline and you do not. She might be a lot stricter than you but giving your DD hugs when she was clearly in the wrong sends a very wrong message.