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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think he's just not that into me?

20 replies

GrandmaSharkdodo · 01/04/2023 22:58

Hi, looking for some (friendly) advice please. I'm recently separated (42, f) and as I've been in a sexless marriage for quite a few years I've joined a dating website fairly quickly to, ahem, get rid of some of the cobwebs. Anyway, I met someone and we had an amazing first date. He was really kind, sweet, funny and we clicked. I wasn't really expecting to like someone in a serious way, was looking for something more casual as I don't think I'm ready yet. After the first date he messaged me, was messaging about meeting up again.
The second date planning was late notice. He didn't say if he could meet this weekend till Thursday, as his brother was having a party and he didn't know when.
We were all ready for the second date today. He messaged me this morning, sweet message, checking all was still ok. Then he sent me a photo this afternoon, a few hours before the date with an eye patch. He had an accident and had to cancel.
Later on this evening I saw him online on the dating app. Which is fine as we only had one date... But as my self.esteem is really low I'm.starting to get paranoid that he is making up excuses to keep me on a back burner but that he's not as I to me as I am him.
What do you think, oh wise women of Mumsnet?
YABU. It's early on and he's just taking things steady
YANBU. Yeah it sounds like he's keeping you sweet but not massively keen

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 01/04/2023 23:08

An eye patch! What was the accident? It's not stopping him from looking at other potential dates, is it?

Original poster
GrandmaSharkdodo · 01/04/2023 23:11

@determinedtomakethiswork he helps his parents at their allotment and walked into a tree branch. Apparently. I dunno... It seems very elaborate if it's a lie. But I'm very paranoid

OP posts:
CandleInTheStorm · 01/04/2023 23:16

I'd say he's keeping his options open tbh, but this is really normal on dating apps early on. I'm sure if you had a few more dates and got to know each other, it might change. I wouldn't write him off just yet, maybe go on another date. But beware of 'situationships' where they want the chat/dates/even sex but "aren't ready" to commit just yet whilst they keep their options open on the apps.

MegIsWhite · 01/04/2023 23:17

I'd keep it in mind as a maybe. The mistake some people make is to put all your eggs in one basket too soon (or at all). He could be doing the opposite.

So don't worry about him. Keep searching. If he contacts you to make an arrangement, make sure it's mutually beneficial and not just at his own convenience. I'd go as far as saying that if he doesn't seem to have this in mind (moving forward) and can only think of his convenience, he may not be worth it.

Cherryana · 01/04/2023 23:19

You have only been on one date.
You need to be the one keeping your options open….try to guard your heart a little through this process until someone has proved worthy of your attention..and that can only happen over time.

Aixellency · 01/04/2023 23:20

No eyepatch emoji!Angry

So I’m guessing you’re too young to have read ‘The Rules’? Much of the book was weird and swiftly outdated - but the advice about weekends was sound. Can’t recall exactly but you really should never accept a last minute weekend date. It almost certainly means you were not first choice, and that you don’t hold yourself in high enough esteem to expect to be their first choice.

Good thing he still had one good eye to scope out other dating prospects, eh?

DannyZukosSmile · 01/04/2023 23:21

Yeah, he's definitely keeping his options open and keeping you at arms length.

I have to ask - is there any reason why you're so desperate to try and enter into another relationship, when you're very recently separated?

You're not one of these 'any man's better than no man' women, are you? Don't be one of them. Don't just settle. Spend some time on your own. You don't need to have a man, You need to stop feeling like you need to have a man validate you.

Original poster
GrandmaSharkdodo · 01/04/2023 23:21

Thanks for the replies. I haven't gone on dates etc for so long, and it was so great. I know I need to chill out but it's hard.

OP posts:
UnfinishedUserna · 01/04/2023 23:23

If it's an iPhone I think there's a way to check when the picture was taken? So at least you'll know it's from today!

Original poster
GrandmaSharkdodo · 01/04/2023 23:23

Very sound advice. I really didn't think I would get like this. I thought I could just have some casual sex to make up for lost time. But perhaps I'm not ready?

OP posts:
704703hey · 01/04/2023 23:24

It's difficult to say, it's too early.

It sounds like it would be a good idea to focus on yourself for now.

MegIsWhite · 01/04/2023 23:27

Have you ever had casual sex before? You may not be ready if you're hoping on this one person and have self esteem/rejection issues (I don't mean this negatively).

I don't agree to look up the picture. Sleuthing would get you down an unpleasant and paranoid rabbit hole and it's only been one date with a practical stranger. I say move on to other potential ones but keep communicating if he contacts. 💐

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 23:27

After one date you cannot demand he is exclusive to you. Which is what yours are basically saying. One date. You like him he needs to come off the apps and commit.

too much. Too soon, too needy. Slow down. Calm down, get to know him. Everyone can smell desperation A mile away and it’s really unattractive.

ilikeyarn · 01/04/2023 23:29

I would see him today and explain you don't mind if his eye is sore. Offer a date of listening to podcasts together, or just relaxing with the dog. Essentially, find out about his eye. If it looks red, fine. If his eye is normal, leave early. Find out today because it is the measure of this man.

TeamSleep · 01/04/2023 23:30

The eye thing could be true. You were looking at the dating app too to see that he’s online so at least you’re both in the same headspace. Whatever reason you were on there could be the same reason he is and that’s fine. It’s early days.

Original poster
GrandmaSharkdodo · 01/04/2023 23:32

@Wheresthebloodynurofen
I'm not asking for exclusivity...
Just not to be messed around. If he's not being truthful and cancelling plans with me then I know to keep away.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I kind of already know I'm not really in the right place yet. But it's been 5 years of no sex so I was hoping to build a bit of confidence back up in that area by remembering I used to be ok at it!! 🤣🤣

OP posts:
704703hey · 01/04/2023 23:35

It's a new world for you, but take it easy! It's already making you feel insecure.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2023 23:48

I think you are banking too much on one date. It would be wise to give this one a miss. He is already messing you about and you don't know where you are up to with him. Not good.

Scuttlingherbert · 01/04/2023 23:56

In my experience, after being in a long relationship where I really had to try and convince myself I still fancied the other person, when I was then dating and actually fancied the person it was really hard not to get carried away.

Original poster
GrandmaSharkdodo · 02/04/2023 00:12

@Scuttlingherbert I think you've hit the nail on the head. On the dating app I've found myself to be quite picky too. Which I think might be why I've gotten over excited. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
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