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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have lost my temper at my partner?

18 replies

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 09:30

Just for backstory: my partner and me have been having issues for a very long time. I've tried to leave but can't afford to, I cant work more hours or get a better job right now (although I have started an access to university course so I'm trying), I have spoken to womens aid but there genuinely isn't much help and apparently the council can't help without actual evidence of abuse which I don't have.

Whenever we have arguments he constantly swears at me, tells me to go fuck myself, tells me I'm a psycho, that I'm overreacting and that I just don't understand him and always make him out to be worse than he is. I rarely react to those things, I don't use personal insults and don't swear at him but last night I did. I'm not proud of it but I hit my last straw.

Our eldest has a stomach bug, she threw up in her bed and I called and asked for help so I could get her changed, sort the bed out etc. Without waking up our youngest who was sleeping. He was clearly very annoyed with me and I asked him twice what was wrong - the first time he ignored me, the second time he snapped at me to just stop looking at him. I told our eldest that she could sleep in our bed because I needed to keep an eye on her (and I didn't want to wake the youngest up, my eldest sleeps on the top bunk bed and their room is too small for me to make up a bed on the floor for myself) and he made a comment about just going to sleep in his car then. I was trying to deal with a poorly child who was getting visibly distressed at his snapping and I have emetophobia and was trying to keep myself from panicking at the sick myself - so I snapped and said oh just fuck off then.

He didn't sleep in his car, he is still asleep now. I have been up since 5am because now my youngest is showing signs of coming down with the bug as am I. I woke up to a message on my phone from him telling me how unreasonable I was for telling him to fuck off, and that he's sick of me not understanding his side of things and I interrupted him watching a film that he wanted to watch hence why he was annoyed and I never let him explain. I really don't think I'm unreasonable to think our poorly child takes priority over a film! And while I know I didn't respond brilliantly, I think my response was understandable under the circumstances.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/04/2023 09:44

So he's spent years being abusive to you and treating you like a bit of 💩 and you clapped back good for you.

PooCurtain · 01/04/2023 09:47

Did you consult him about having a child sleeping in the bed with him? Where were you expecting him to sleep?

TwilightSkies · 01/04/2023 09:49

Did you consult him about having a child sleeping in the bed with him? Where were you expecting him to sleep?

Dont try and justify an abusers shitty behaviour! You are trying to blame OP. Why is that?

DustyLee123 · 01/04/2023 09:50

Well done for giving him some of his own medicine. Play the long game, check out of the relationship but keep it friendly, while you work your way out of there.

Original poster

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 09:50

@PooCurtain I didn't because he was snapping at me, she had slept in the bed with us the night before because she was sick though and he hadn't had an issue then. I thought she was better yesterday and she obviously wasn't. The bed is big enough for all of us to sleep in comfortably, we're all quite small.

OP posts:

Original poster

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 09:56

I feel like I've checked out emotionally for the most part but when I feel like I'm feeling stronger, he still manages to make me feel guilty for certain things.

OP posts:

CleaningOutMyCloset · 01/04/2023 10:00

He sounds like a vile husband and a vile parent. I'd be making plans to leave.

Original poster

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 10:30

I want to leave, the problem is I've got myself into such a mess and I can't figure a way out. Even if I can save up enough for a deposit, the average 2 bed flat in my area is £1,500 and finding a landlord who will accept UC (which I would be reliant on - I only earn around £800 a month currently) is near impossible. My name is on the tenancy in our current flat so if I leave I will be classed as intentionally homeless and won't get help, and he won't leave (I've asked). He's never hit me - only walls - so I have no real evidence that he's abusive and so if I went to the council it's my word against his, and he's very manipulative.

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 01/04/2023 10:36

Stop right there.

Your name is on the tenancy...is his as well?
Married or partner?

If only you are on the tenancy and you aren't married you can legally kick him out. The police can help you with that if he won't.

Furrydogmum · 01/04/2023 10:37

Isn't hitting walls classed as abusive? Can you get him on video on your phone? Not much help I know but you really do need to get out and get your kids away from this unpleasantness.

Original poster

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 10:37

Both of our names are on the tenancy, we aren't married though.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 10:40

PooCurtain · 01/04/2023 09:47

Did you consult him about having a child sleeping in the bed with him? Where were you expecting him to sleep?

OP already explained why the child needed to sleep in their bed. If he didn't like it, there was a sofa available, or he could have stayed in the bed too. And why would it be OP's job to sort out where he was going to sleep when she was dealing with an ill child?

Sapphire387 · 01/04/2023 11:01

Hang on, you're in a council flat?

I live in a housing association place and they take domestic abuse very seriously.

If I were you, I would start keeping a diary and record whatever evidence you can.

Has anyone else ever witnessed his behaviour? Would it be worth reporting him to the police, perhaps?

If I were you, I would go down the route with the council of trying to get yourself rehoused because of domestic abuse. Do not relinquish a social tenancy and go into private, if you can possibly avoid it.

Original poster

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 11:04

No it's private sorry not council. He earns an ok wage so we privately rent and I work around the children and his job. Other people have noticed certain things, they don't know the full extent because some of it is embarassing and I don't want to tell them, and also I feel like I'm talking behind his back too.

OP posts:

Sapphire387 · 01/04/2023 11:09

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 11:04

Ah ok sorry, I misinterpreted what you said about going to the council, I'm guessing you meant asking them to house you for the first time instead. I still think it's worth recording what is happening.

If you can, I think it's worth opening up to those around you. People will want to help. You must know - his behaviour is not normal. Yes, we can all lose our tempers but it's not normal to repeatedly swear at and insult a partner in the way he does to you.

It's probably worth contacting some organisations like Women's Aid and Shelter about possible housing options.

Original poster

MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 11:18

@Sapphire387 yes I probably didn't word that very well sorry, I don't imagine I'd have a lot of luck with the council but the housing crisis and rent prices are terrifying

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 01/04/2023 13:26

Oh I'm sorry, was really hoping his name wasn't on it. Try calling womens aid, even if they can't help practically they can help you feel heard (and sane). They might be able to give you some good advice.

Hope you all get over this sickness bug soon

Moreorlessmentallystable · 01/04/2023 14:08

Oh FFS tell him to grow a pair...watching a film! 🤣. Maybe if he had better arguments you'd let him explain but him sulking because he is asked to help, when you shouldn't really need to ask it's unacceptable. Looks like you are dealing with 3 kids, not 2.

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