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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just liked to be put first for once?

22 replies

Wiggleinherwalk · 01/04/2023 00:30

Planning on having a little do for my daughter's 2nd birthday in the summer - just NCT & nursery friends for soft play in a church hall type affair.

Messaged my mum, who lives in Norfolk, to let her know I'm trying to pin down dates to either the Sat before or after DD actual birthday in July, to say it would be nice if she could join. And she's just sent me some ridiculous replies!

She's dog sitting for 2 weeks before, for her partner's son's dog, so can't do the first suggested weekend. She's then "got herself in a stress and panic" because she's looked at flights, but they're expensive, and she'd have to go via Amsterdam. She's looked at National Express, but it's 9-10hrs with a 2hr change in London.

I live in Manchester! There's a 4.5hr direct train from a station a 15min taxi ride from her house?! Which I've told her multiple times, but somehow doesn't seem to be the answer?!

She now has a "master plan" to get her partner to drive from dog sitting in Somerset, to Manchester, to stay with his sister, and will see us around staying with her. Depending on when the dog sitting ends, as they've not given a definite date.

There's a lot of back story with her partner but we think he's utterly disgusting and he will be in no way invited to the birthday party or to spend any time with us. But I'm sure it's going to be inevitable that he'll just 'pop-up' as he'll want to drop her off or collect her from seeing us and then try to make his way inside.

I just don't get why she seems to invent complications when it's really not that hard, and why instead of spending a couple of days with her daughter and granddaughter she'll be balancing seeing us with staying with someone else. My daughter is 20m old and she's met her 4 times, 3 of which I've made 100% of the effort to do the 5+hr drive with a baby. And then I was buying all the groceries, making tea, cooking, washing up, and doing 100% of the childcare still while she crooned over her while letting her tip water all over herself or play with the gas fireplace.

She didn't join us for DDs 1st birthday as it was a month before flying abroad for my brother's wedding, and she was in 'too much of a tiswas' over the thought of that to visit for a couple of days.

I just wish I hadn't mentioned it, don't even really feel like doing anything anymore, and am tempted to just go away for the weekend. Feel like a child but why can't she ever seem to just prioritise me and her granddaughter for a weekend, instead of making everything so stressful and upsetting?! So many of my friends have such lovely supportive families, and I just feel so continually let down by her at every step..

OP posts:

Daftasyoulike · 01/04/2023 00:37

I'm SO sorry to hear this OP, you must feel terribly let down by her. Unfortunately with people like this, it's unlikely that they will ever change, so for future reference, hard as I'm sure it will be, I wouldn't count on your Mum for anything. You say that you don't really feel like doing a party now, so don't, it's not as if your little one will really know any different on her 2nd birthday, so I would suggest that you do as you said, go away for the weekend, at least that way no one else is going to disappoint you.

Original poster

Wiggleinherwalk · 01/04/2023 01:06

Thank you for the sympathy @Daftasyoulike - as you say it's very unlikely she'll suddenly change, just sad and lonely to never feel like a priority...

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 01/04/2023 01:09

Am so sorry op, she probably 'loves all the drama' 1 for the attention she can create for herself, 2 because she can have an affect on you that gives her 'power' possibly?

Walkingtheplank · 01/04/2023 01:22

People like this never change. I really tried when my children were babies (now teens). We had a falling out when DC1 was c.7 months. I saw a therapist to try to get over 'my' issues. Spent DC2's first birthday sitting at home waiting for them to (not) arrive. 2nd birthday we went out because they wouldn't give us a time and there they were all put out when we came home mid afternoon and they were waiting for us.

We have to work around dog sitting, or their multiple holidays or trips to friends. DCs didnt go to stay with them last summer as DCs had a few things on and DPs put their friends' needs first. They could work around us. They and their friends are long retired. But we're the ones being difficult what with jobs, school, exams, sport commitments.

This is a long winded way to say do what you want to do. Make your plans and if your mum turns up that's great (not so much if her partner comes too). You cant change people like this. I wish I'd worked thus out sooner.

Original poster

Wiggleinherwalk · 01/04/2023 11:39

Sorry @Walkingtheplank that you're having a similar experience.

I also had some counselling last year to try and get some tactics in how to deal with it, but his advice was also 'you can't change people', just try and build a relationship at a level that's possible, even if it's just talking about the weather. Which was good as it confirmed "it's not me, its them", but was also quite depressing as it writes off any possibility of change or improvement...

Just frustrates me as she acts like the doting grandma, pictures up in the house, forwards on things I send her to her friends, imagine passes on stories to her book group etc, but I don't really think my little one could pick her out of a lineup!

OP posts:

TomatoFrog · 01/04/2023 11:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Wiggleinherwalk · 01/04/2023 11:45

@MichelleScarn Not sure if drama or power with her, more she's just incredibly weak willed and has no 'gumption', and has one slightly negative experience and then writes everything off forever.

With her reluctance with trains, she came up once and got a bit cold waiting for a change at a station and sat next to someone who was a bit bigger so she felt like they were encroaching on her seat - so now she'll never get a train again. I've suggested getting the direct train, booking 2 seats together..

OP posts:

Macaroni46 · 01/04/2023 11:47

Going to go against the grain here. You say you find your DM's partner 'utterly disgusting' and that he is in 'no way invited'. Could this be part of her reluctance to visit?

Slimjimtobe · 01/04/2023 11:49

Why do you even want her there ? Just Ignore her. She’s very false sending on doting pictures and can’t be actually bothered herself

I would do a little trip to the zoo just as a family as once they start school the bigger parties start

try not to let her get you down

Original poster

Wiggleinherwalk · 01/04/2023 12:05

@Macaroni46
Perhaps, think he makes her feel guilty if she does things without him. And think more in her mind is if he drives her up she doesn't have to take any responsibility for making her own arrangements - can just sit in the passenger seat and be ferried around.

(When I say disgusting, he confessed to my mum to raping his ex partner, she was asleep he started have sex with her, she woke up and said no, he carried on til he finished. His jokes are misogynistic and awful - one of his favorites ends with "... and then they gang raped her!! HAHAHA!' At my brothers wedding he said something so disgusting to my sister-in-law's mum that she said she was never willing to see him again.)

He's not 'a bit annoying' or a clash of personality - I would happily rise above if he made her happy but wasn't necessarily someone I'd pick! But I'm very clear he can't be around my daughter.

I've said to my mum I think she's in an abusive relationship as he's pretty horrible to her, but despite having her own house/finances/options she's chosen to be with him rather than be alone. Which is pretty tragic. Feel like I should save her somehow, but she doesn't want to make any positive changes and at the end of the day is a grown woman.

OP posts:

Macaroni46 · 01/04/2023 12:17

Wiggleinherwalk · 01/04/2023 12:05

He's not 'a bit annoying' or a clash of personality - I would happily rise above if he made her happy but wasn't necessarily someone I'd pick! But I'm very clear he can't be around my daughter.

I see where you're coming from now that you've updated. Sounds like your DM is in a controlling relationship, as you suggest. I think sadly, right now, you have to accept that she won't be able to prioritise you which is shit for you and very hurtful. I feel for you.

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2023 12:29

It sounds like you shouldn’t negotiate or discuss the plans, just say we’re doing x on this date; and invite her then don’t engage with all the logistics. She sounds exhausting though

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 01/04/2023 12:54

Oh my god OP I can totally relate. My mum is a panicky drama llama about stuff, it only when it comes to me! Flying to Manchester from Norfolk? Good grief

it may be time to square with yourself that you’re better off not trying to please her OP.

Newuser82 · 01/04/2023 12:57

It doesn't sound like she is bothered about coming. I know it's really hard. My mother rarely comes to see my kids on their birthday and she lives about half an hour away. It's awful but there may not be much you can do to change things.

dottiedodah · 01/04/2023 13:12

Her DP sounds vile! I expect shes afraid of upsetting him if she comes on her own .Shes the loser though long term .As others say ,dont make it into a big thing .Have a little day out somewhere .Dont worry if shes not there ,have fun with your family .As I say she is making a mistake putting him first!

dottiedodah · 01/04/2023 13:14

Just have a nice WE away as you said .This will be fine ,plenty of time when DD at School for hectic parties anyway!

thegrain · 01/04/2023 13:15

I'd just tell her whenever it is and say see you if you can make it if not no worries. And leave it at that.

Tryphenia · 01/04/2023 13:21

I get that it’s maddening (I’m the daughter of someone not dissimilar), but she presumably does see these things as huge obstacles and colossal insoluble problems. My mother will say something like ‘Well, I can’t do that week at all’, and it turns out that she has one commitment on the Tuesday, but in her head that eats the whole week. Or, because she’s a terrible people-pleaser (not to her offspring, but all others) with no capacity to say no, she’ll have undertaken to do something for someone else on some unspecified date in a particular month, but because they haven’t bothered to say exactly when she won’t ask, in case they think it’s ‘unreasonable’, so she can’t commit to anything else that month in case it clashes. But in her mind, these are a HUGE DEAL, not little things that could be cleared up with communication and common sense.

Tryphenia · 01/04/2023 13:23

And yes, my technique is to say ‘X is happening at 2.30 on Saturday at y place. We’d love if you could come.’ And not engage in any further negotiations.

2bazookas · 01/04/2023 13:27

Just say "Sorry to hear you can't make it to the party Mum, but don't worry, there will be plenty of other birthdays".

Then disengage from her ridiculous drama.

AgentJohnson · 01/04/2023 13:36

Your therapist gave excellent advice. She isn’t going to change so stop wasting time waiting for her to. Set a good example for your daughter by not prioritising someone who treats you like an option.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 01/04/2023 13:39

She probably does want to come. But has this strange need to stay in her relationship, and knows going without him, will upset him.

It matters not that there is perfectly good reason for him not to be there. If reason came into it, she wouldn't still be with him.

Try and detach your feeling to her, and think about her as "the partner of dickhead". Of course dickheads partner can't come. Dickhead would make her life miserable. I know this isn't right, but if she is being controlled and abused, it is in fact, how it is. Her excuses aren't real. She knows it. She has to come up with something though, because she's not going to say "my abusive partner will become more abusive, so I can't" any time soon.

The day will hopefully come when she sees the light, and she will free herself. And you'll probably see a lot of her then. Until then, please don't consume yourself with taking this personally against you or your DD, it's not why she's not there.

Sounds like the party is going to be lovely, hope DD has a brilliant day.

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