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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Politely turning down an invitation and then the person who invited you is "upset" because you aren't going??

24 replies

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/03/2023 21:35

Aibu to think if you get invited to an event and you reply immediately saying "thank you for inviting me but I can't come due to X but I hope the rest of you have a really lovely time xx" - if the original invitee is "upset" about you not going, that is their issue? I am somehow feeling like the villain here when I never wanted to be invited in the first place .

OP posts:

sixfoot · 31/03/2023 21:36

You are DEFINITELY not BU! This has happened to me twice recently with the same person. It’s them, not you.

cartagenagina · 31/03/2023 21:36

YANBU. Childish behaviour.

Unless it’s your child’s wedding 😂

MavisTheMonkey · 31/03/2023 21:36

Unless there is a big back story YANBU.
It's an invite not a summons.

RosesInWater · 31/03/2023 21:37

As the old MN saying goes - it ain't a summons it's an invite". But some hosts take it personally which is why there is so much angst about declining invites. From what you say, you gave plenty of notice with a reason, so think no more of it, it is not your problem anymore.

However.... if it is a big celebration I would send a card and small gift, but that's just me you don't have to.

titchy · 31/03/2023 21:38

Yanbu. Unless it's your own birthday celebration.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 31/03/2023 21:38

This used to happen to me until
I stopped feeling bad about saying no op

NameChange60000 · 31/03/2023 21:57

I think we could only judge that if we knew who the person is, what's the occasion, and what reason did you give.

If it was a friend asking you to go and watch a movie and you said sorry im already at my sisters wedding, YANBU.

If it was your sisters wedding and you said sorry im going to my friends to watch a movie, well YANBU but you would think you'd be able to easily rearrange the movie.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2023 22:05

Stop giving a fuck if the asker gets upset. That's not your problem.

Original poster

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/03/2023 22:11

This is two friends I go out with fairly often in a group of three. They bumped into each other on the street recently and made a plan to go on a European city break weekend away and booked flights that same day. I got a text message inviting me at 1.45pm and declined invite by 9pm the same day. Then I was made to feel bad for not going! It would have cost me a few hundred quid which I don't have spare atm and also I had something booked in my calendar for one of the days which I didn't want to miss. But I've had to do a lot of apologising for upsetting one of these friends. But IANBU am I?

OP posts:

XanaduKira · 31/03/2023 22:12

YADNBU Op.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/03/2023 22:13

Tell her to grow the fuck up, people have plans, those plans can be just wanting to stay at home, no one gets to demand attendance except the law.

MintJulia · 31/03/2023 22:15

If you can't go, then you can't go. It is not your fault, and your friend needs to get over it.

RestingRulers · 31/03/2023 22:16

Are you sure they are cross with you and not just sad you aren't going. 'Upset' because you aren't going but not 'upset' with you?

NeshNamechanger · 31/03/2023 22:18

Sounds like they wanted to split the costs perhaps?
Bit wierd to be that annoyed.

BluetheBear · 31/03/2023 22:31

It's weird they picked the dates etc then presented it to you as a fait accompli and are still upset you can't go

surely you'd all agree a time (if you wanted to go)

BUT it is handy for them to do it this way if you don't want to go as you can just say no busy

BanditsGravyStain · 31/03/2023 22:34

RestingRulers · 31/03/2023 22:16

Are you sure they are cross with you and not just sad you aren't going. 'Upset' because you aren't going but not 'upset' with you?

I thought this, but OP said she has had to do a lot of apologising so I don’t think this is someone saying “aw mate gutted you can’t come, would have been great to see you” or similar.

Blinkerz · 31/03/2023 22:59

Have you posted about this before? If seemed familiar? They don't know about the money you have in the bank from your other post do they? If so they might wonder if you're being honest saying you don't have a few hundred quid.

UsingChangeofName · 31/03/2023 23:02

It's weird they picked the dates etc then presented it to you as a fait accompli and are still upset you can't go

surely you'd all agree a time (if you wanted to go)

This.
If people really want someone to be there, then they arrange the date after checking with all the people they want to be there.
Or
If it is something that is not going to be enjoyed by, or easily afforded by each of the people they want there, then the organiser would find an event / activity that each of the people can afford / will enjoy.
Anything presented as a 'fait accompli' is always going to get people who either can't or don't want to go.

YANBU

whynotwhatknot · 31/03/2023 23:30

did they pay upfront is that why theyre pissed off

their own problem for next checking first

DorritLittle · 31/03/2023 23:50

They had booked their tickets before asking you! Don’t apologise for that OP. Or even think about it.

MorningtonCr · 21/12/2023 07:39

If it was that important to them then they would have checked the date with you beforehand

rookiemere · 21/12/2023 07:58

YANBU.
I go away on foreign trips with friends quite often and we would never book without checking everyone can either make the dates or has decided not to go.

I'd throw it right back at the, "Dear Friends, I wish you had checked the dates with me before booking. It is unfortunate that I've already got the jamboree booked in for that date. Have a great time on your trip."

rookiemere · 21/12/2023 07:59

Humph Zombie thread.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2023 08:12

Jesus no. If they had really cared about you being there they would’ve taken the trouble to check your appetite and availability before booking.

Who books and pays for something like a City break without checking if the other invitees are actually free? That’s batshit.

To be honest it sounds like a tactical overreaction because they feel guilty for not having invited you in the first place.

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