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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My new partner

17 replies

Akay42 · 31/03/2023 14:04

I split with my sons (3yrs) father about 2 years ago. He was controlling during our relationship and is still trying to be. I have met a lovely man whom i knew years but was married, hes since divorced and we get on so well. My sons father wants to meet my new bf before he meets my son. I understand it can be a sensitive subject and im meant to meet my partner this wkend but my childs father is begging me to cancel this wkend as he has to work and cant look after our son (so he says) i said no. He asked we go to mediation again to speak about my new partner. Im trying to keep him happy but my partner is important to me and i dont believe my ex has to work i think its another form of control over me. I think personally he is just trying to be awkward as i have said my new bf will gladly meet him this evening or tomorrow if he wants but he said no we have to meet the mediator 1st which i dont understand.

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 31/03/2023 14:07

He is still trying to control you. You can choose whether to agree or not. Personally I wouldn't... But it's your choice.

Just bear in mind, you'll never "keep him happy" - there will always be something else...

Beamur · 31/03/2023 14:07

Your ex has zero rights to request this.
When the children are with you it's up to you where they go and who they meet.
If you trust this man, then that's good enough. Unless your ex has reasons to fear for his children it's none of his business.

Marblessolveeverything · 31/03/2023 14:11

Given the history no. You need clear and consistent boundaries for your own protection. Your ex has no say in who you introduce your son to. He probably will revert by saying he would introduce his to you, but that is because he would enjoy the element of control.

Lolapusht · 31/03/2023 14:13

Im trying to keep him happy…why?

He’s still controlling you. What is the purpose of him meeting your BF? Is he likely to say “Well, he seems like a great bloke! Congrats on finding someone so nice. Let me know if you want me to have DC when it’s not my time so you can stay overnight”?

What is the purpose of mediation? So he can list all his reasons for why you having a BF is unreasonable and why he shouldn’t be introduced to DC?Any chance you’ll have to agree to not introducing BF to DC which will limit the amount of time you can see him?

MMMarmite · 31/03/2023 14:15

If he has to work then he should find alternative childcare. Or, longer term, change his employment so he can't be required to work when he has childcare responsibilities. Unless you usually have give-and-take both ways, its not your job to change your plans to bail him out.

JudgeRudy · 31/03/2023 14:17

Akay42 · 31/03/2023 14:04

I split with my sons (3yrs) father about 2 years ago. He was controlling during our relationship and is still trying to be. I have met a lovely man whom i knew years but was married, hes since divorced and we get on so well. My sons father wants to meet my new bf before he meets my son. I understand it can be a sensitive subject and im meant to meet my partner this wkend but my childs father is begging me to cancel this wkend as he has to work and cant look after our son (so he says) i said no. He asked we go to mediation again to speak about my new partner. Im trying to keep him happy but my partner is important to me and i dont believe my ex has to work i think its another form of control over me. I think personally he is just trying to be awkward as i have said my new bf will gladly meet him this evening or tomorrow if he wants but he said no we have to meet the mediator 1st which i dont understand.

Everything you've said sounds perfectly reasonable however after years of being in an abusive relationship you might sometimes feel the need to check with others. Don't doubt yourself.

It's not a bad idea for your ex to meet your partner at some stage however that's by mutual agreement between the THREE of you, not at your exs instruction.

If he's being awkward as you think stick to your guns. If he out and out refuses to take his son, it's immaterial whether he's right or wrong. What he wants is a reaction and likely for you to be unable to see your partner. Even if you chose not to, I'd be making it clear now that if he doesn't have him either your mum (or who ever) will take him, or your partner has suggested doing something together with the 3 of you. Either way you're seeing your partner and will decided on the day whether your child comes along.
Do not get into arguments about whether or not its 'too early', or whether ex gets to 'vet him'...just keep repeating you haven't decided yet what YOU will choose to do. Of course if he had his son on agreed days you wouldn't need to even be thinking about this.

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 14:18

´I’m not going to mediation over this because you do not get any kind of vote in my choice of partner. There is nothing to discuss. When I feel it is the right time, he will meet our son. He has very kindly agreed to meet you this weekend, as that is something you have indicated will put you more at ease. If you don’t meet him, that’s fine. It will make no difference either way to my choice of partner or when I choose to have him meet our son.’

Chickychoccyegg · 31/03/2023 14:22

Tell him to piss off, why would you have mediation to discuss your bf, absolute madness, its got nothing to do with him, he's just trying to control you.

youveturnedupwelldone · 31/03/2023 14:31

Definitely tell him to piss off. I bet he won't/hasn't offered the same if he's introducing someone!

It's all about control. Put those boundaries up and keep them solid.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2023 14:38

He wants to keep you fully under his thumb. Don't allow it.

Original poster
Akay42 · 03/04/2023 04:57

Thank you all for your messages it really really helps xx❤️

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 03/04/2023 05:23

You're giving him way too much information about your life.

There should only be one topic of conversation and that's your shared child.

Look up Grey Rock technique and stop answering intrusive questions.

Bananalanacake · 03/04/2023 05:35

Why does your ex know about the bf, none of his business, you don't have to tell him of his existence at all.

Campervangirl · 03/04/2023 06:07

Blobblobblob · 03/04/2023 05:23

You're giving him way too much information about your life.

There should only be one topic of conversation and that's your shared child.

Look up Grey Rock technique and stop answering intrusive questions.

Absolutely this.

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 03/04/2023 06:12

Just do whatever you would want him to do with a new partner.

thegrain · 03/04/2023 06:16

He doesn't get a say. But how long have you known your partner - is your ex right to be concerned it might be too soon?

GoodChat · 03/04/2023 06:17

Assuming your DS met your new partner this weekend but this sounds like you've really rushed them meeting and I can understand your ex being cautious.

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