I dislike/sometimes hate my 4 year old

[PainProblems]

He hits me, kicks DS2, bites me and DS2. He is impossible. Says he wants something then doesn't etc. Asks for a biscuits them throws it on the floor. Then tries to eat the crumbs off the floor like a dog.

He is on the way to an ASD diagnosis (referred by nursery). But with his meltdowns...he does actually stop if he thinks he will get something. It feels like he loves hitting me.

I am compassionate, loving but firm with boundaries. I try to be.

Just now we went to a cafe and when DH food turned up before his, he picked up DH plate of food and threw it at someone.

DH took DS out of the cafe straight away and went to the car. Me and DS2 sat and ate our food for 10 mins and it was heaven. DS2 is 2 and he and me had the nicest 10 mins. He's so sweet. He barely gets any of my attention because I'm always dealing with DS1.

I feel so low. I know it can't all be me being a shitty mum as DS2 is completely different - sure he still has his moments but I feel we are on the same side, he is playful and sweet. I can't connect to DS1. DS1 feels like an abusive partner, he's obsessed with me, follows me round, hates me doing anything with anyone, tries to control what I eat even, and then if I stand my ground I get hit repeatedly.

I'm in contact with the local authority. Pushing to start EHCP application as soon as he starts school. I'm doing the practical stuff but what I can't deal with is honestly this feeling of resentment. I'm so understanding to DS1, I talk to him about his feelings, im trying so hard, and I just feel like I'm his doormat.

I'm always the positive one out of me and DH saying "DS1 just needs the right support and for us to parent firmly but gently blah blah" and right now I feel like giving up entirely.

Right now DH is telling DS1 how sad he has made mummy with his constant violence and breaking stuff and usually I'd tell DH to stop and instead parent positively....but honestly I'm just sitting here in silence feeling numb.

Sorry that was a complete ramble. I know im being unreasonable. He's only 4. But he humiliates me and hurts me so often.

We went through a stage with our neurotypical son at 4 where he used to lash out when upset, hitting etc. The nursery also told us he was behind in his speech.
We got help with his speech and the hitting etc. stopped completely by the time he was 5, I think a lot of it was him struggling to express himself.
It might be something different entirely if he's having a ASD diagnosis but if his speech is behind at all you might find speech support services help too? Sorry to hear how much it's getting you down, it is horrible to think you aren't getting ahead of it but 4 is very young. My son is now 6 and there is no violent outbursts there at all anymore.

Pushing to start EHCP application as soon as he starts school.

You don’t need to wait. You can request an EHCNA yourself now. On their website IPSEA have a model letter you can use.

What support is DS receiving at nursery?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS. Also, contact Home Start as they may be able to support you.

If you haven’t already request a home OT assessment to look at making home safer and better meet DS1’s needs.

Scope offer mentoring to parents of DC on the pathway for assessment.

OP.
Maybe take your DH's approach at least for a while
At least hitting needs to be treated without compromise.

Get that ECHP now. You lead the process, not the nursery/school.

How verbal is DC? Any learning disability?

Rant away Op, some days everything feels impossible. Always happy to listen. ♥️

YANBU and anybody who says you are really doesn’t have a bloody clue.

It’s clearly not your son’s fault that he’s behaving this way, but that doesn’t mean it’s your fault either.

Raising children is already hard and raising children with additional needs is so much harder.

Not only are you trying to muddle through and work out how best to try and manage your DS’ behaviour, you’re also coming to terms with the fact that your life with him is probably not how you imagined. That must be even harder for you when you see how much easier it is with your youngest child.

Have you joined any support groups where you can meet other parents going through the same thing? I think meeting others who just get it, who may well have tips for how they manage the most difficult days, or who you can just vent to a little bit would be so beneficial for you.

I really wish you the best for your family for the future.

I feel for you @PainProblems please please vent away x x

Sounds like you have every right to be at the end of your tether.
Keep pushing for help, I know it's hard when you don't have the energy, so ask DH to contact nursery, doctors, health visitor- anyone that can give you some help with meeting your and your son's needs.
You sound like you are doing the best you can in very trying situation, and although I know what you mean trying to parent positively, but I think it will be a positive experience for your DH to show to your son that he is standing up for you, the mother, and demanding you are shown more respect.

You poor thing, that sounds incredibly tough.

Sounds like you are doing a really good job of supporting DS1 but you are at the end of your tether. Can you have a break at all and leave DH with the children while you see a friend or whatever? I realise that this doesn't solve the problem but sometimes it is the relentlessness that is the hardest thing so simply having a break can really help. You can also take turns with your DH to have one child and do something together (so he takes DS1 and you take DS2 and both do different things, then next time the other way round) so that you each get a share of harder and easier parenting and both children get plenty of 1-2-1 attention.

Don't beat your self up about how you feel x