To not go?

[bonnymiffy]

We (me DH, DDs) have recently relocated150 miles for family reasons. I don't know anyone here (he does) and DH has decided that I need to be involved in things and make new friends (true) so he has found a group for me to join doing something that I used to do ages ago. So far so good, but I haven't done this activity in over 20 years, I'd need to practice (alot) to be up to the required standard (ie at the lower level, others already in the group are professionals). The first meeting is on Sunday and I really really don't want to go. I find it hard enough to go into a room full of people without knowing anyone else there (I have suffered from anxiety previously) and it's only Friday and I am in tears as I type this. I really can't see me coming away at the end feeling anything other than completely inadequate. DH is an eternal optimist and I feel that he has overstated my abilities. Do I go the once and hope that it's not that bad? Or say sod it and stay at home?

I would be put off going just for knowing I didn’t arrange it myself - I’d feel like a child having my parent do that for me !

But maybe give it a go… if you don’t like it you don’t have to go back

I'm struggling to think of a situation/activity where you would have a social group but the others are a professional standard. How do you know they are of this standard? Is it a sport? Is it a team, so you feel you will be letting others down with your lack of ability? Or is it more that you will be physically left behind (something like running or cycling?) and the others will feel the need to slow down to keep pace with you? Are there different levels so you could join at a lower level? Could you get there early and make sure you are clear that you don't think you will be up to the required level, so can you treat this as a trial session?

Do you want to meet new people?
Do you want to restart this hobby?
I also think you’re not over the anxiety. This is a huge reaction.

orchestra?

I'd force yourself to go if you can. It's not going to get any easier to go into a room of strangers and it sounds like you do want to meet new people?

Also thing about strangers being friends you've not yet met ...

If you don't want to go, don't go.
You don't need your DH organising your social life for you.
You're aware you need and would like to integrate and make friends and you get to decide when and how you do this. Unless you've already been there for a year or two and your anxiety is still affecting you so badly that you think you'll never get round to building friendships and hobbies, I'd relax and take your time.
Perhaps think about getting some support for your anxiety if it really is holding you back though. Maybe some counselling.

Go,once you are there you will feel much better.
Until then practice living in the moment.it does take practice,without a doubt.but every time you think of it you are getting yourself worked up so don't think about it.
Just put it aside,accept you are going and move on.
Sitting in tears is doing you no good whatsoever is it?
Get up and do something you want or need to do and concentrate on that alone,don't allow your mind to wander ahead.
But some rose quartz and keep with you.
Be as positive as you can as the laws of attraction means you'll attract what you're giving out.🌈

How are you going to improve if you don't go? I'm sure you're not as far below par as to think.
If you let the fear rule, you'll never do anything. I don't see why you can't give it a go, your DH is trying to do something nice to help you make friends.

Can you contact a group leader, explain your situation and ask if you can just pop along to meet them and observe for now as you’re a bit rusty?

If it's an orchestra, two of my good friends recently joined one after not playing for about 25years. The group was very welcoming and they absolutely love going. my friemnd said the first time she went, she didn't play, she just mimicked the movement with her fingers (violin). she then practiced and each week after that ventured into playing more and more and they're now practicing for various concerts.

Go along, tell them you haven't played in 20years and you're just going to sit and observe and try to remember what happens. it'll be absolutely fine :)

You’ve moved 150 miles away and acknowledge that you need to make new friends so running away from your first group meeting is going to make it ten times harder for you to try something else.

What’s the worst that can happen? It’s just other people. Presumably you’re not fighting a grizzly bear whilst in your bra and pants?

Go along and give it a try and if you don’t enjoy it, remind yourself that you don’t have to go back.

You also need to do this to be a good role model for your DD’s. Show them that being a bit scared of something new is ok but that it’s important to give things a fair try.

Do you have a contact number or email for the organiser? I think if you could get in touch and say, “I’ve signed up for x but I’m pretty rusty, would you recommend I start now or get to a certain level before joining?”
Or words to that effect.

They may put your mind at ease and say “absolutely we have all levels of ability” or something. I know you said there are professional level people in the group, but they may be pretty inclusive. Or maybe they’ll put you off further and you’ll know it’s not for you/(yet).
Its totally fine if you’re not ready but getting as much info as possible helps so it’s not just your under-confidence informing the decision.

There's an app called Meetup that shows you all the different groups/ meetups/ events in your area both in person and online if you want to see what might interest you.

As for this group, if you don't feel comfortable then don't go, just arrange something else you'd feel happier going along to. I'm sure your DH is just encouraging you to go because it's the only thing that's been arranged.

I also have serious anxieties around walking in a room full of people so don't blame you one bit for being in tears

Thanks everyone, I may just need to hoick up my big girl pants and go for it. The leader knows my standard (I introduced myself via email) and hasn't indicated I wouldn't be good enough (yes it is musical, and there are professionals in the group). I've got a folder of music to practice and I think that's what's made it worse! And no, I'm probably not over any anxiety issues so that's not helping. I'll get a better idea of whether or not to keep up with it if I go once, I can decide after that.

I made a post recently about an almost identical problem (a different activity). I gritted my teeth, and took the plunge. It was fine and now I’m having a great time. I truly understand how you feel, I was so scared and I cried. It feels so silly now. Please go.

I think you need to find something at your own pace.