Not coping with husband leaving

[Mollylegs]

Hi, I hope it's ok to post here again. I had posted last year after my husband first left me. My husband(21 years) together left me for someone else in August last year. He is now living with the other person that according to him didn't even exist. I feel really stupid to admit I'm still devastated about this, A couple of folk had pointed out that I should have been feeling better and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I agree to a certain extent, I should stop being a silly cow and just get on with it. It's so hard though, I miss him even though he's been an absolute arsehole. I feel so unsettled every day, I feel sick and on edge. I know I should be stronger than this but I really can't help it. Is it going to get any easier? Thanks for any replies.

Grieving for the end of a marriage that lasted two decades will take longer than six months! I can’t imagine why people are telling you to ‘feel better’ when you aren’t even divorced yet. Divorce is hard, whatever the circumstances. Yes, it will get better, but not just because you ‘snap out of it,’ it will take time. I would say that, while there are loads of positives to keep an eye out for, I still feel pretty low pretty often and I’m at least a year ahead of you with the divorce behind me.

Thank you yesilikeit I've been in tears this morning, I'm just so stressed out

It’s a very confusing thing to discover, followed by a period of decision-making in the face of great uncertainty. Stressful hardly covers it. Do keep one eye peeled for the positives, though, as they start to emerge.

I was mad with grief for a good year when my marriage ended, and it took another year after that for shoots of contentment to emerge. My life now immeasurably better in every way, but I went through ghastliness to get here. Acknowledge your pain, cry and do what you must, BUT remember there a brighter future. It IS there for you.

Oh I want to give you a hug OP. Ignore those silly people - their comments show their own lack of understanding or empathy.

You've suffered a huge betrayal and will be dealing with grief, possibly trauma, and also huge life changes. You might find it helpful to read about disenfranchised grief - grief can come from separation just as much as from bereavement, and "disenfranchised" is when those around you fail to acknowledge it or provide support. Being told you shouldn't feel your grief makes it 10 times harder to deal with.

Some of the following might help; if any are not right for you that's fine too. A support group (perhaps online) of people who've been through the same situation and understand. Reading books or listening to podcasts by people who've gone through similar. Let yourself feel your feelings, without judging yourself. Trying to get out every day for fresh air and exercise. Finding small things that you enjoy (or, if you're not able to enjoy anything, just small things that make you feel slightly better). Some people find breathing exercises or mediation or yoga help with the feeling of being on edge. Some people find it helpful to talk to a therapist (they vary a lot so if the first one is unhelpful, move on to another if available).

Goodness me, it's early days. It took me a good few years to recover but that wasn't helped by endless abuse from ex and OW that never seemed to end. You're grieving, it's normal. Perhaps consider some counselling because that did save me at the time! You'll get there, in your own good time.

It took me 6 months before I could even think about reclaiming my life when I found out my husband of 20 years had been cheating.

After 6 months I started joining meet up groups, making friends, going to the gym, making plans for the life that I wanted to live.

It took another 5 years before I was ready to start dating again. It takes a very, very long time to get over losing the future you thought you had. No one who has not experienced it themselves will understand.

You'll get there but don't expect it to happen quickly. Try reading the Chump Lady website.

My life is honestly so much better now than when I was married.

Hi, everyone who commented I just want to thank you. It has knocked my confidence and at the moment I don't see a point that I'll feel better any time soon. Thanks for replying x